[News] Republicans Sell Soul to Pat Robertson

[Anti-Imperialist News]

REPUBLICANS SELL SOUL TO PAT ROBERTSON

(PU) In an oak-paneled conference room somewhere 
in Manhattan’s Goldman Sachs building, the 
Republican National Committee today signed over 
its soul to the Reverend Pat Robertson.

“They had a soul?” asked a reporter at a press 
conference shortly after the signing. “Oh yes,” 
explained RNC chairman Michael Steele. “You see, 
the legal reality of corporate personhood extends 
to the right of individual political entities to 
acquire souls, then sell or buy them in the free 
market. You may, in fact, be surprised to learn 
that Republican humans also possess souls. I 
myself have one that I’ve wisely converted to 
several hundred shares of Lockheed Martin.”

The Robertson deal, however, which some analysts 
have called a leveraged buyout, appears to be 
part of a “greater plan.” According to Mr. 
Steele, the sale of the RNC’s soul to Pat 
Robertson legally empowers the Republican Party 
to nominate God in the next election for President of the United States.

Although some in the GOP feel the choice is “a 
comedown from W,” most embrace the strategy. “The 
Lord God Almighty is your ideal Presidential 
candidate,” exulted Senator Tom Coburn of 
Oklahoma. “God’s got loads of experience 
governing, He’s against gay marriage, and 
obviously, you’ll go to hell if you don’t vote 
for Him. Plus, we really like His stand on Haiti.”

Mr. Coburn was referring to the Reverend 
Robertson’s televised remark on January 13 that 
the massive earthquake devastating the Caribbean 
nation of Haiti was God’s “curse” for its 1804 
revolution, when Haitian slaves made what Mr. 
Robertson called a “pact with the devil” to overthrow their French rulers.

Like most epic ventures, the Robertson deal began 
in humble obscurity. An RNC member present at the 
deal’s inception spoke on condition of anonymity.

“It was the day after the earthquake. A bunch of 
us Party hacks were sitting around, feeling 
depressed that we were no longer the 
Congressional majority. Some of the more 
self-pitying among us had started to wear 
dashikis and say how they knew what it’s like to 
be a ‘minority.’ They also said the U.S. should 
look to its foreign policy to see why Haiti is so 
poor in the first place. That’s when somebody 
suggested we send Oxfam some money to help those 
poor Haitians. I was just about to take out my 
checkbook – that’s how low I’d sunk. Luckily, the 
TV was on and suddenly, in the background, we 
heard the healing voice of Pat Robertson, 
reminding us that those people basically got what they deserved.”

Only a few days later, the Party received divine 
affirmation when Republican Scott Brown from 
Massachusetts was elected to the U.S. Senate. But 
soon came the fear that, even with this 
“blessing,” the fact that America had elected 
Barack Obama President could call down God’s 
wrath at any moment. At this point, the 
Republican National Committee decided to contact 
God’s agent, Pat Robertson, to offer God the U.S. 
Presidency. Unfortunately, Mr. Robertson wanted 
18 percent of God’s earnings. And so began negotiations.

Now utterly soulless, the Party is throwing 
itself into an early campaign. GOP volunteers are 
busy, hand-lettering homemade protest signs 
reading “PREVENT EARTHQUAKES, VOTE GOD” and 
“LET’S PUT THE WHITE BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE,” 
with which they intend to infiltrate regularly 
scheduled spontaneous Tea Party marches on Washington.

Republicans are also using God’s Haiti example to 
appeal to corporate interests, arguing that God 
is not only in favor of exploiting labor, but is 
also against big government. In directly 
punishing evil and rewarding good, argues the 
GOP, President God would cut out the middleman, 
effectively eliminating the Justice Department, 
along with most other federal institutions – 
although He might create a Department of Slavery. 
Our system of checks and balances would remain as 
the father, the son, and the holy ghost.

Other electoral parties, having gotten wind of 
the RNC campaign, are considering running their 
own “higher powers.” The Green Party is expected 
to nominate Mother Nature. Various communist and 
socialist parties, with their signature refusal 
to acknowledge any god, will be forced to sit out 
the election, which means that the Democratic 
Party will likely attract the remaining leftwing 
vote by dropping its support for Obama and offering the candidacy to Satan.

Republicans, however, scoff at these prospects. 
“One nation, totally under God, you betcha,” said 
Sarah Palin, who, it is rumored, wants to be 
considered for First Lady. “If you think about 
it, God’s Haitian policy totally validates 
America’s response to Hurricane Katrina, not to 
mention Iraq and Afghanistan. As long as nobody 
decides to nominate Allah, I think America’s going to be OK.”

Back at the Goldman Sachs building, a few 
reporters, not yet laid off from their secular 
humanist news organs, were becoming querulous. 
“The idea that catastrophes are divine punishment 
is profoundly immoral,” shouted Bill Moyers of PBS. “That could never happen.”

All at once, the building began to tremble. 
Tables buckled and windows dropped from their 
frames. Some at the press conference 
involuntarily shrieked that God was meting out 
Judgment. But they were instantly rebuked by the 
Reverend Pat Robertson, who was quick to point 
out that the Goldman Sachs building happened to 
have been built on a fault line.

                                    ©  Susie Day, 2010



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