[News] Republicans Sell Soul to Pat Robertson
Anti-Imperialist News
news at freedomarchives.org
Fri Feb 5 10:21:57 EST 2010
REPUBLICANS SELL SOUL TO PAT ROBERTSON
(PU) In an oak-paneled conference room somewhere
in Manhattans Goldman Sachs building, the
Republican National Committee today signed over
its soul to the Reverend Pat Robertson.
They had a soul? asked a reporter at a press
conference shortly after the signing. Oh yes,
explained RNC chairman Michael Steele. You see,
the legal reality of corporate personhood extends
to the right of individual political entities to
acquire souls, then sell or buy them in the free
market. You may, in fact, be surprised to learn
that Republican humans also possess souls. I
myself have one that Ive wisely converted to
several hundred shares of Lockheed Martin.
The Robertson deal, however, which some analysts
have called a leveraged buyout, appears to be
part of a greater plan. According to Mr.
Steele, the sale of the RNCs soul to Pat
Robertson legally empowers the Republican Party
to nominate God in the next election for President of the United States.
Although some in the GOP feel the choice is a
comedown from W, most embrace the strategy. The
Lord God Almighty is your ideal Presidential
candidate, exulted Senator Tom Coburn of
Oklahoma. Gods got loads of experience
governing, Hes against gay marriage, and
obviously, youll go to hell if you dont vote
for Him. Plus, we really like His stand on Haiti.
Mr. Coburn was referring to the Reverend
Robertsons televised remark on January 13 that
the massive earthquake devastating the Caribbean
nation of Haiti was Gods curse for its 1804
revolution, when Haitian slaves made what Mr.
Robertson called a pact with the devil to overthrow their French rulers.
Like most epic ventures, the Robertson deal began
in humble obscurity. An RNC member present at the
deals inception spoke on condition of anonymity.
It was the day after the earthquake. A bunch of
us Party hacks were sitting around, feeling
depressed that we were no longer the
Congressional majority. Some of the more
self-pitying among us had started to wear
dashikis and say how they knew what its like to
be a minority. They also said the U.S. should
look to its foreign policy to see why Haiti is so
poor in the first place. Thats when somebody
suggested we send Oxfam some money to help those
poor Haitians. I was just about to take out my
checkbook thats how low Id sunk. Luckily, the
TV was on and suddenly, in the background, we
heard the healing voice of Pat Robertson,
reminding us that those people basically got what they deserved.
Only a few days later, the Party received divine
affirmation when Republican Scott Brown from
Massachusetts was elected to the U.S. Senate. But
soon came the fear that, even with this
blessing, the fact that America had elected
Barack Obama President could call down Gods
wrath at any moment. At this point, the
Republican National Committee decided to contact
Gods agent, Pat Robertson, to offer God the U.S.
Presidency. Unfortunately, Mr. Robertson wanted
18 percent of Gods earnings. And so began negotiations.
Now utterly soulless, the Party is throwing
itself into an early campaign. GOP volunteers are
busy, hand-lettering homemade protest signs
reading PREVENT EARTHQUAKES, VOTE GOD and
LETS PUT THE WHITE BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE,
with which they intend to infiltrate regularly
scheduled spontaneous Tea Party marches on Washington.
Republicans are also using Gods Haiti example to
appeal to corporate interests, arguing that God
is not only in favor of exploiting labor, but is
also against big government. In directly
punishing evil and rewarding good, argues the
GOP, President God would cut out the middleman,
effectively eliminating the Justice Department,
along with most other federal institutions
although He might create a Department of Slavery.
Our system of checks and balances would remain as
the father, the son, and the holy ghost.
Other electoral parties, having gotten wind of
the RNC campaign, are considering running their
own higher powers. The Green Party is expected
to nominate Mother Nature. Various communist and
socialist parties, with their signature refusal
to acknowledge any god, will be forced to sit out
the election, which means that the Democratic
Party will likely attract the remaining leftwing
vote by dropping its support for Obama and offering the candidacy to Satan.
Republicans, however, scoff at these prospects.
One nation, totally under God, you betcha, said
Sarah Palin, who, it is rumored, wants to be
considered for First Lady. If you think about
it, Gods Haitian policy totally validates
Americas response to Hurricane Katrina, not to
mention Iraq and Afghanistan. As long as nobody
decides to nominate Allah, I think Americas going to be OK.
Back at the Goldman Sachs building, a few
reporters, not yet laid off from their secular
humanist news organs, were becoming querulous.
The idea that catastrophes are divine punishment
is profoundly immoral, shouted Bill Moyers of PBS. That could never happen.
All at once, the building began to tremble.
Tables buckled and windows dropped from their
frames. Some at the press conference
involuntarily shrieked that God was meting out
Judgment. But they were instantly rebuked by the
Reverend Pat Robertson, who was quick to point
out that the Goldman Sachs building happened to
have been built on a fault line.
© Susie Day, 2010
Freedom Archives
522 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110
415 863-9977
www.Freedomarchives.org
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