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<div align="center"><font size=3><b>REPUBLICANS SELL SOUL TO PAT
ROBERTSON<br><br>
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(PU) In an oak-paneled conference room somewhere in Manhattan’s Goldman
Sachs building, the Republican National Committee today signed over its
soul to the Reverend Pat Robertson.<br><br>
“They had a soul?” asked a reporter at a press conference shortly after
the signing. “Oh yes,” explained RNC chairman Michael Steele. “You see,
the legal reality of corporate personhood extends to the right of
individual political entities to acquire souls, then sell or buy them in
the free market. You may, in fact, be surprised to learn that Republican
humans also possess souls. I myself have one that I’ve wisely converted
to several hundred shares of Lockheed Martin.”<br><br>
The Robertson deal, however, which some analysts have called a leveraged
buyout, appears to be part of a “greater plan.” According to Mr. Steele,
the sale of the RNC’s soul to Pat Robertson legally empowers the
Republican Party to nominate God in the next election for President of
the United States.<br><br>
Although some in the GOP feel the choice is “a comedown from W,” most
embrace the strategy. “The Lord God Almighty is your ideal Presidential
candidate,” exulted Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma. “God’s got loads of
experience governing, He’s against gay marriage, and obviously, you’ll go
to hell if you don’t vote for Him. Plus, we really like His stand on
Haiti.”<br><br>
Mr. Coburn was referring to the Reverend Robertson’s televised remark on
January 13 that the massive earthquake devastating the Caribbean nation
of Haiti was God’s “curse” for its 1804 revolution, when Haitian slaves
made what Mr. Robertson called a “pact with the devil” to overthrow their
French rulers.<br><br>
Like most epic ventures, the Robertson deal began in humble obscurity. An
RNC member present at the deal’s inception spoke on condition of
anonymity.<br><br>
“It was the day after the earthquake. A bunch of us Party hacks were
sitting around, feeling depressed that we were no longer the
Congressional majority. Some of the more self-pitying among us had
started to wear dashikis and say how they knew what it’s like to be a
‘minority.’ They also said the U.S. should look to its foreign policy to
see why Haiti is so poor in the first place. That’s when somebody
suggested we send Oxfam some money to help those poor Haitians. I was
just about to take out my checkbook – that’s how low I’d sunk. Luckily,
the TV was on and suddenly, in the background, we heard the healing voice
of Pat Robertson, reminding us that those people basically got what they
deserved.”<br><br>
Only a few days later, the Party received divine affirmation when
Republican Scott Brown from Massachusetts was elected to the U.S. Senate.
But soon came the fear that, even with this “blessing,” the fact that
America had elected Barack Obama President could call down God’s wrath at
any moment. At this point, the Republican National Committee decided to
contact God’s agent, Pat Robertson, to offer God the U.S. Presidency.
Unfortunately, Mr. Robertson wanted 18 percent of God’s earnings. And so
began negotiations.<br><br>
Now utterly soulless, the Party is throwing itself into an early
campaign. GOP volunteers are busy, hand-lettering homemade protest signs
reading “PREVENT EARTHQUAKES, VOTE GOD” and “LET’S PUT THE WHITE BACK IN
THE WHITE HOUSE,” with which they intend to infiltrate regularly
scheduled spontaneous Tea Party marches on Washington.<br><br>
Republicans are also using God’s Haiti example to appeal to corporate
interests, arguing that God is not only in favor of exploiting labor, but
is also against big government. In directly punishing evil and rewarding
good, argues the GOP, President God would cut out the middleman,
effectively eliminating the Justice Department, along with most other
federal institutions – although He might create a Department of Slavery.
Our system of checks and balances would remain as the father, the son,
and the holy ghost.<br><br>
Other electoral parties, having gotten wind of the RNC campaign, are
considering running their own “higher powers.” The Green Party is
expected to nominate Mother Nature. Various communist and socialist
parties, with their signature refusal to acknowledge any god, will be
forced to sit out the election, which means that the Democratic Party
will likely attract the remaining leftwing vote by dropping its support
for Obama and offering the candidacy to Satan.<br><br>
Republicans, however, scoff at these prospects. “One nation, totally
under God, you betcha,” said Sarah Palin, who, it is rumored, wants to be
considered for First Lady. “If you think about it, God’s Haitian policy
totally validates America’s response to Hurricane Katrina, not to mention
Iraq and Afghanistan. As long as nobody decides to nominate Allah, I
think America’s going to be OK.”<br><br>
Back at the Goldman Sachs building, a few reporters, not yet laid off
from their secular humanist news organs, were becoming querulous. “The
idea that catastrophes are divine punishment is profoundly immoral,”
shouted Bill Moyers of PBS. “That could never happen.”<br><br>
All at once, the building began to tremble. Tables buckled and windows
dropped from their frames. Some at the press conference involuntarily
shrieked that God was meting out Judgment. But they were instantly
rebuked by the Reverend Pat Robertson, who was quick to point out that
the Goldman Sachs building happened to have been built on a fault
line.<br><br>
© Susie Day, 2010<br><br>
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