[News] America Crashes White House Dinner

Fri Dec 11 15:08:29 EST 2009

AMERICA CRASHES WHITE HOUSE DINNER

      (PU) Last night, in another embarrassing 
lapse of security, nine Secret Service agents 
were trampled to death when approximately 658,000 
U.S. residents of every race, age, and sexual 
orientation mobbed the White House, demanding 
admission to a state dinner. Most explained that 
their reason for crashing the dinner was to have 
a chance at appearing on reality TV.

      Starry-eyed yet determined as they queued 
up to shake hands with the President, the 
interlopers denied having been inspired by 
Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the enterprising 
Virginia couple who sneaked into a previous White 
House dinner in hopes of persuading cable channel 
Bravo to choose them for its new reality show, “The Real Housewives of D.C.”

      “Those has-beens,” sneered former Aetna 
customer service employee Amanda Weltschmerz, as 
she elbowed her way through the throng. Grabbing 
a reporter’s microphone, she continued, 
“Americans are tired of appearing only on photo 
ID’s and surveillance cameras. The one true way 
we’ll be seen as worthwhile in this society is to 
market ourselves, cut the balls off the 
competition, and become loveable mass media 
personalities, known by millions of faceless 
losers we’ll never meet. Yoo hoo, Mr. Comcast – I’m ready for my close-up.”

      Ms. Weltschmerz added, wresting her arm 
away from a police officer, that her personal 
goal was to be chosen to appear on “Sacked,” a 
new cable television show in which recently 
laid-off office personnel are flown, 
free-of-charge, to Cayman Islands strip clubs, 
where they perform the latest exotic dances, as 
Goldman Sachs CEO’s stuff food stamps into their G-strings.

      On a more educational note, several 
contestants from the upcoming History Channel 
show, “I Am the Real Anastasia,” compared the 
White House “uprising” to the 1917 storming of 
the Winter Palace. One czarina-wannabe, however, 
was quick to add that similarities stopped there.

      “Whereas 20th century masses wanted bread 
and freedom,” said Imperial Russian Princess #28 
(a/k/a Angie Kronstadt), “today’s serfs care 
little for freedom, and desire to be emotionally 
fed. I shall ask my father the Czar to destroy them.”

      Indeed, according to a recent poll 
conducted by the Coalition for the Nameless, an 
organization dedicated to defending the rights of 
the “publicity-challenged,” 86% of impoverished 
Americans now feel it is “passé,” if not 
downright “communist,” to beg for quarters and 
half-eaten sandwiches. Most of those polled felt, 
conversely, that doing all manner of 
self-aggrandizing, dangerous, and/or degrading 
things in order to become instantly famous was a 
“good idea,” and that, once people are famous, 
they naturally acquire homes, jobs, healthcare, and love.

      Niles Bupkis, former software designer, 
emptied several trays of White House hors 
d’oeuvres into his backpack as he explained: 
“It’s more than losing my material way of life. 
It’s knowing that my government, in order to 
stabilize an economy that betrayed me, is waging 
an endless war, destroying the planet, and that I 
am powerless to change anything. I have no voice, 
no place, and no purpose – I get that. So can I at least be on TV?”

      The growing demand for fame has led many 
scientists and government officials to compare 
mental health in the United States to other 
vanishing natural resources, such as air, soil, 
and water. Some Democratic legislators have 
suggested a top-down approach to the problem. 
Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) plans to introduce 
a bill enabling the federal government to sponsor 
TV airtime during which each U.S. citizen would 
be guaranteed his or her own “reality” program 
for 15 seconds. “We had to scale back from our 
15-minutes-of-fame goal,” stated Mr. Sanders, 
“since our domestic budget is virtually shot. 
Thanks again, AIG.” The Senate is scheduled to 
debate Tuesday on whether the bill should include illegal aliens.

      Most Congress members, however, oppose the 
bill, arguing that the public’s deepening mental 
illness should be addressed by the private 
sector. The New York Times has, in fact, already 
instituted a regular column for the “Emotionally Neediest Cases.”

      The heartbreaking case of Frank Zilchworth, 
an out-of-work realtor, attracted national 
attention. The Times portrayed a man so 
emotionally starved and abused that, to garner 
any self-esteem, he was forced to spend hours of 
his workday going online to news sites and typing 
racist comments after stories involving Arabs or 
Muslims. Wrote the Times: “Frank worries that, as 
his life worsens, the only thing that will stop 
him from shooting his wife, his children, then 
himself, is the open adoration of millions of 
non-Muslim TV viewers. Or maybe a book contract. 
You can save Frank – and his family – or you can turn this page.”

      Back at the White House, 658,000 
fame-seekers have entrenched themselves, bringing 
out sleeping bags and toothbrushes. Finding 
momentary strength in numbers, they have 
announced that, until each and every one of them 
gets on TV, no one will leave. White House 
security guards, on orange alert, are nervously 
locking and unlocking their weapons, while 
furtively preening and smiling into news cameras.

      Meanwhile, overhead, a giant helium balloon 
floats by. It may or may not contain the entire 
disadvantaged second grade class of P.S. 18 in 
the South Bronx. Is this a cheap publicity stunt 
so the kids can get their greedy little faces on milk cartons?

      No one notices.

                                    ©  Susie Day, 2009

Michaela and Tareq Salahi:

<http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/27/us/politics/27party.html?scp=1&sq=salahi&st=cse>http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/27/us/politics/27party.html?scp=1&sq=salahi&st=cse

Storming the Winter Palace:

<http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7415813397534202522>http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7415813397534202522#

Balloon boy:

<http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/10/18/colorado.balloon.investigation/index.html>http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/10/18/colorado.balloon.investigation/index.html

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