[News] America Crashes White House Dinner
news at freedomarchives.org
Fri Dec 11 15:08:29 EST 2009
AMERICA CRASHES WHITE HOUSE DINNER
(PU) Last night, in another embarrassing
lapse of security, nine Secret Service agents
were trampled to death when approximately 658,000
U.S. residents of every race, age, and sexual
orientation mobbed the White House, demanding
admission to a state dinner. Most explained that
their reason for crashing the dinner was to have
a chance at appearing on reality TV.
Starry-eyed yet determined as they queued
up to shake hands with the President, the
interlopers denied having been inspired by
Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the enterprising
Virginia couple who sneaked into a previous White
House dinner in hopes of persuading cable channel
Bravo to choose them for its new reality show, The Real Housewives of D.C.
Those has-beens, sneered former Aetna
customer service employee Amanda Weltschmerz, as
she elbowed her way through the throng. Grabbing
a reporters microphone, she continued,
Americans are tired of appearing only on photo
IDs and surveillance cameras. The one true way
well be seen as worthwhile in this society is to
market ourselves, cut the balls off the
competition, and become loveable mass media
personalities, known by millions of faceless
losers well never meet. Yoo hoo, Mr. Comcast Im ready for my close-up.
Ms. Weltschmerz added, wresting her arm
away from a police officer, that her personal
goal was to be chosen to appear on Sacked, a
new cable television show in which recently
laid-off office personnel are flown,
free-of-charge, to Cayman Islands strip clubs,
where they perform the latest exotic dances, as
Goldman Sachs CEOs stuff food stamps into their G-strings.
On a more educational note, several
contestants from the upcoming History Channel
show, I Am the Real Anastasia, compared the
White House uprising to the 1917 storming of
the Winter Palace. One czarina-wannabe, however,
was quick to add that similarities stopped there.
Whereas 20th century masses wanted bread
and freedom, said Imperial Russian Princess #28
(a/k/a Angie Kronstadt), todays serfs care
little for freedom, and desire to be emotionally
fed. I shall ask my father the Czar to destroy them.
Indeed, according to a recent poll
conducted by the Coalition for the Nameless, an
organization dedicated to defending the rights of
the publicity-challenged, 86% of impoverished
Americans now feel it is passé, if not
downright communist, to beg for quarters and
half-eaten sandwiches. Most of those polled felt,
conversely, that doing all manner of
self-aggrandizing, dangerous, and/or degrading
things in order to become instantly famous was a
good idea, and that, once people are famous,
they naturally acquire homes, jobs, healthcare, and love.
Niles Bupkis, former software designer,
emptied several trays of White House hors
doeuvres into his backpack as he explained:
Its more than losing my material way of life.
Its knowing that my government, in order to
stabilize an economy that betrayed me, is waging
an endless war, destroying the planet, and that I
am powerless to change anything. I have no voice,
no place, and no purpose I get that. So can I at least be on TV?
The growing demand for fame has led many
scientists and government officials to compare
mental health in the United States to other
vanishing natural resources, such as air, soil,
and water. Some Democratic legislators have
suggested a top-down approach to the problem.
Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) plans to introduce
a bill enabling the federal government to sponsor
TV airtime during which each U.S. citizen would
be guaranteed his or her own reality program
for 15 seconds. We had to scale back from our
15-minutes-of-fame goal, stated Mr. Sanders,
since our domestic budget is virtually shot.
Thanks again, AIG. The Senate is scheduled to
debate Tuesday on whether the bill should include illegal aliens.
Most Congress members, however, oppose the
bill, arguing that the publics deepening mental
illness should be addressed by the private
sector. The New York Times has, in fact, already
instituted a regular column for the Emotionally Neediest Cases.
The heartbreaking case of Frank Zilchworth,
an out-of-work realtor, attracted national
attention. The Times portrayed a man so
emotionally starved and abused that, to garner
any self-esteem, he was forced to spend hours of
his workday going online to news sites and typing
racist comments after stories involving Arabs or
Muslims. Wrote the Times: Frank worries that, as
his life worsens, the only thing that will stop
him from shooting his wife, his children, then
himself, is the open adoration of millions of
non-Muslim TV viewers. Or maybe a book contract.
You can save Frank and his family or you can turn this page.
Back at the White House, 658,000
fame-seekers have entrenched themselves, bringing
out sleeping bags and toothbrushes. Finding
momentary strength in numbers, they have
announced that, until each and every one of them
gets on TV, no one will leave. White House
security guards, on orange alert, are nervously
locking and unlocking their weapons, while
furtively preening and smiling into news cameras.
Meanwhile, overhead, a giant helium balloon
floats by. It may or may not contain the entire
disadvantaged second grade class of P.S. 18 in
the South Bronx. Is this a cheap publicity stunt
so the kids can get their greedy little faces on milk cartons?
No one notices.
© Susie Day, 2009
Michaela and Tareq Salahi:
Storming the Winter Palace:
522 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110
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