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<div align="center"><b>AMERICA CRASHES WHITE HOUSE DINNER<br><br>
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(PU) Last night, in another embarrassing lapse
of security, nine Secret Service agents were trampled to death when
approximately 658,000 U.S. residents of every race, age, and sexual
orientation mobbed the White House, demanding admission to a state
dinner. Most explained that their reason for crashing the dinner was to
have a chance at appearing on reality TV.<br><br>
Starry-eyed yet determined as they queued up to
shake hands with the President, the interlopers denied having been
inspired by Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the enterprising Virginia couple
who sneaked into a previous White House dinner in hopes of persuading
cable channel Bravo to choose them for its new reality show, “The Real
Housewives of D.C.”<br><br>
“Those has-beens,” sneered former Aetna customer
service employee Amanda Weltschmerz, as she elbowed her way through the
throng. Grabbing a reporter’s microphone, she continued, “Americans are
tired of appearing only on photo ID’s and surveillance cameras. The one
true way we’ll be seen as worthwhile in this society is to market
ourselves, cut the balls off the competition, and become loveable mass
media personalities, known by millions of faceless losers we’ll never
meet. Yoo hoo, Mr. Comcast – I’m ready for my close-up.”<br><br>
Ms. Weltschmerz added, wresting her arm away
from a police officer, that her personal goal was to be chosen to appear
on “Sacked,” a new cable television show in which recently laid-off
office personnel are flown, free-of-charge, to Cayman Islands strip
clubs, where they perform the latest exotic dances, as Goldman Sachs
CEO’s stuff food stamps into their G-strings.<br><br>
On a more educational note, several contestants
from the upcoming History Channel show, “I Am the Real Anastasia,”
compared the White House “uprising” to the 1917 storming of the Winter
Palace. One czarina-wannabe, however, was quick to add that similarities
stopped there.<br><br>
“Whereas 20th century masses wanted bread and
freedom,” said Imperial Russian Princess #28 (a/k/a Angie Kronstadt),
“today’s serfs care little for freedom, and desire to be emotionally fed.
I shall ask my father the Czar to destroy them.”<br><br>
Indeed, according to a recent poll conducted by
the Coalition for the Nameless, an organization dedicated to defending
the rights of the “publicity-challenged,” 86% of impoverished Americans
now feel it is “passé,” if not downright “communist,” to beg for quarters
and half-eaten sandwiches. Most of those polled felt, conversely, that
doing all manner of self-aggrandizing, dangerous, and/or degrading things
in order to become instantly famous was a “good idea,” and that, once
people are famous, they naturally acquire homes, jobs, healthcare, and
love.<br><br>
Niles Bupkis, former software designer, emptied
several trays of White House hors d’oeuvres into his backpack as he
explained: “It’s more than losing my material way of life. It’s knowing
that my government, in order to stabilize an economy that betrayed me, is
waging an endless war, destroying the planet, and that I am powerless to
change anything. I have no voice, no place, and no purpose – I get that.
So can I at least be on TV?”<br><br>
The growing demand for fame has led many
scientists and government officials to compare mental health in the
United States to other vanishing natural resources, such as air, soil,
and water. Some Democratic legislators have suggested a top-down approach
to the problem. Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) plans to introduce a bill
enabling the federal government to sponsor TV airtime during which each
U.S. citizen would be guaranteed his or her own “reality” program for 15
seconds. “We had to scale back from our 15-minutes-of-fame goal,” stated
Mr. Sanders, “since our domestic budget is virtually shot. Thanks again,
AIG.” The Senate is scheduled to debate Tuesday on whether the bill
should include illegal aliens.<br><br>
Most Congress members, however, oppose the bill,
arguing that the public’s deepening mental illness should be addressed by
the private sector. The New York Times has, in fact, already instituted a
regular column for the “Emotionally Neediest Cases.”<br><br>
The heartbreaking case of Frank Zilchworth, an
out-of-work realtor, attracted national attention. The Times portrayed a
man so emotionally starved and abused that, to garner any self-esteem, he
was forced to spend hours of his workday going online to news sites and
typing racist comments after stories involving Arabs or Muslims. Wrote
the Times: “Frank worries that, as his life worsens, the only thing that
will stop him from shooting his wife, his children, then himself, is the
open adoration of millions of non-Muslim TV viewers. Or maybe a book
contract. You can save Frank – and his family – or you can turn this
page.”<br><br>
Back at the White House, 658,000 fame-seekers
have entrenched themselves, bringing out sleeping bags and toothbrushes.
Finding momentary strength in numbers, they have announced that, until
each and every one of them gets on TV, no one will leave. White House
security guards, on orange alert, are nervously locking and unlocking
their weapons, while furtively preening and smiling into news
cameras.<br><br>
Meanwhile, overhead, a giant helium balloon
floats by. It may or may not contain the entire disadvantaged second
grade class of P.S. 18 in the South Bronx. Is this a cheap publicity
stunt so the kids can get their greedy little faces on milk
cartons?<br><br>
No one notices.<br><br>
<br><br>
© Susie Day, 2009<br><br>
</b> <br><br>
Michaela and Tareq Salahi:<br><br>
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/27/us/politics/27party.html?scp=1&sq=salahi&st=cse">
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/27/us/politics/27party.html?scp=1&sq=salahi&st=cse</a>
<br><br>
Storming the Winter Palace:<br><br>
<a href="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7415813397534202522">
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7415813397534202522#</a><br><br>
Balloon boy:<br><br>
<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/10/18/colorado.balloon.investigation/index.html">
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/10/18/colorado.balloon.investigation/index.html</a>
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