[News] The Bankers United will never be Indicted

[Anti-Imperialist News]

BERNIE BREAKOUT SHOCKER! MADOFF ALMOST MADE OFF!!!

Today at dawn, New York City police surprised a 
gang of free market fanatics just before they 
could set off a massive dynamite explosion that 
would have blown away the entire northern wall of 
lower Manhattan's Metropolitan Correctional 
Center. The gang members, clad in black Armani 
ski masks and tasteful Christian Dior jogging 
suits, fled the scene, leaving behind a 
communiqué identifying themselves as the Wealthy 
Underground Organization, a militant clandestine 
group dedicated to the "liberation" of disgraced 
businessman and former NASDAQ chairman, Bernard L. Madoff.

According to police, the Wealthy Underground 
Organization is one of a growing number of 
capitalist extremist groups borrowing tactics 
from the 1960s nostalgia craze in order to fight 
what it sees as the "socialist menace" brought on 
by President Obama's response to the economic crisis.

News of the daring rescue attempt quickly spread 
throughout radical capitalist circles, bringing 
tycoons, magnates, and entrepreneurs – from 
corporate CEOs to ice cream vendors – to the 
Correctional Center to demonstrate in support of 
the Wealthy Underground. Picketing and chanting, 
protestors held signs reading "FREE BERNIE!" and 
"THE BANKERS UNITED WILL NEVER BE INDICTED."

Muffy-Ayn Randsworth, Harvard Business School 
senior and president of Students for an 
Autocratic Society (SAS), grabbed a bullhorn, 
climbed onto the hood of her Mini Cooper, and 
began lecturing the crowd, calling Bernard Madoff 
the "Che Guevara of free market capitalism."

"Bernie brought down the System, baby!" 
proclaimed Ms. Randsworth. "By defrauding 
thousands of innocent people and charitable 
organizations to the tune of $65 billion, he said 
NO to oppressive fiscal regulations and 
petit-bourgeois guilt. Like a heroic professor, 
persecuted for teaching evolution, Bernard Madoff 
is behind bars today for demonstrating his belief 
in social Darwinism. OFF THE REGS!"

The crowd roared its approval, then began 
spontaneously to chant: BERNIE MADOFF, LIVE LIKE 
HIM – DARE TO SWINDLE, DARE TO WIN!

The protest was generally peaceful, except when a 
passing driver got out of his Meals on Wheels van 
and shouted, "You don't like it here? Go back to 
the Cayman Islands." Calm was quickly restored, 
however, when several Goldman Sachs executives beat him senseless.

Although the radical free enterprise movement 
appears to have started with a few fanatics in 
society's upper reaches, it has quickly gained 
wider popularity than the 1960s anti-war movement 
ever had. Many Americans, embittered by their 
government's economic measures, which have bilked 
them out of jobs, homes, and hard-earned tax 
dollars, are beginning to take clues from Bernard 
Madoff, who was able to privatize a similar – 
albeit illegal – scheme for vast personal gain.

Bobby Cy-Bot, iPod salesman who attended the 
rally on break from his Apple Computer store, 
says that, after Darth Vader, Bernard Madoff is 
his biggest hero. "The pigs hate how Madoff put a 
cool super-villain face on human greed," opined 
Mr. X-Bot. "Thanks to Madoff, anyone in America 
can be a psycho super-crook with superpowers to 
wipe out every life form on the planet in an 
insatiable quest for lucre, pelf, and power. 
Madoff brought reality to the world of video games, man."

Sallie Faye, mother of three, who was in the area 
to visit her unemployment office, agreed. "The 
whole stock market is basically lotto for the 
rich – but with fewer regulations, more people 
can play! Pretty soon, due to all the 
acquisitions and mergers and stuff, there'll be 
only one big gimongous mega-corporation left on 
earth, with one person controlling it. It's my 
right as an American to waste my life, hoping that one person will be ME."

Ms. Faye then walked over to a vendor's table to 
pick up a pamphlet and buy an extra-tight pink 
T-shirt with sequins that spelled out "FIGHT THE POWERLESS."

Given the scope of the Wealthy Underground's 
influence, authorities have no clue where or how 
the gang will strike next. Intelligence efforts 
have so far failed to penetrate Underground 
activities, although a few lurid reports have 
surfaced about secret cadre meetings with "tender 
offers," "put options," that lead to "hostile 
takeovers," and members sucking gold bullion 
cubes to achieve a hallucinatory high. There are 
also rumors of plans to kidnap known socialists, 
such as Paul Krugman and Rachel Maddow.

According to anonymous sources, the Wealthy 
Underground Organization may even have installed 
"soft on capitalism" sympathizers at the highest 
levels of government. This could explain why, 
when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was 
informed of the Wealthy Underground's attempt to 
blow up the jail holding the perpetrator of 
history's biggest investor fraud, she remarked, "I didn't do it, but I dug it."

Meanwhile, Bernard Madoff's aboveground support 
committee is planning a series of bake sales and 
al fresco puppet shows to raise money for Mr. 
Madoff's prison commissary fund. His attorneys, 
however, caution potential contributors not to 
expect returns on their "donations" for at least four years.



                               ©  Susie Day, 2009

(Former Weather Underground member Laura 
Whitehorn made certain tax-free word contributions, here.)



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