<html>
<body>
<font size=3><b>BERNIE BREAKOUT SHOCKER! MADOFF ALMOST MADE
OFF!!!<br><br>
Today at dawn, New York City police surprised a gang of free market
fanatics just before they could set off a massive dynamite explosion that
would have blown away the entire northern wall of lower Manhattan's
Metropolitan Correctional Center. The gang members, clad in black Armani
ski masks and tasteful Christian Dior jogging suits, fled the scene,
leaving behind a communiqué identifying themselves as the Wealthy
Underground Organization, a militant clandestine group dedicated to the
"liberation" of disgraced businessman and former NASDAQ
chairman, Bernard L. Madoff.<br><br>
According to police, the Wealthy Underground Organization is one of a
growing number of capitalist extremist groups borrowing tactics from the
1960s nostalgia craze in order to fight what it sees as the
"socialist menace" brought on by President Obama's response to
the economic crisis.<br><br>
News of the daring rescue attempt quickly spread throughout radical
capitalist circles, bringing tycoons, magnates, and entrepreneurs – from
corporate CEOs to ice cream vendors – to the Correctional Center to
demonstrate in support of the Wealthy Underground. Picketing and
chanting, protestors held signs reading "FREE BERNIE!" and
"THE BANKERS UNITED WILL NEVER BE INDICTED."<br><br>
Muffy-Ayn Randsworth, Harvard Business School senior and president of
Students for an Autocratic Society (SAS), grabbed a bullhorn, climbed
onto the hood of her Mini Cooper, and began lecturing the crowd, calling
Bernard Madoff the "Che Guevara of free market
capitalism."<br><br>
"Bernie brought down the System, baby!" proclaimed Ms.
Randsworth. "By defrauding thousands of innocent people and
charitable organizations to the tune of $65 billion, he said NO to
oppressive fiscal regulations and petit-bourgeois guilt. Like a heroic
professor, persecuted for teaching evolution, Bernard Madoff is behind
bars today for demonstrating his belief in social Darwinism. OFF THE
REGS!" <br><br>
The crowd roared its approval, then began spontaneously to chant: BERNIE
MADOFF, LIVE LIKE HIM – DARE TO SWINDLE, DARE TO WIN!<br><br>
The protest was generally peaceful, except when a passing driver got out
of his Meals on Wheels van and shouted, "You don't like it here? Go
back to the Cayman Islands." Calm was quickly restored, however,
when several Goldman Sachs executives beat him senseless.<br><br>
Although the radical free enterprise movement appears to have started
with a few fanatics in society's upper reaches, it has quickly gained
wider popularity than the 1960s anti-war movement ever had. Many
Americans, embittered by their government's economic measures, which have
bilked them out of jobs, homes, and hard-earned tax dollars, are
beginning to take clues from Bernard Madoff, who was able to privatize a
similar – albeit illegal – scheme for vast personal gain.<br><br>
Bobby Cy-Bot, iPod salesman who attended the rally on break from his
Apple Computer store, says that, after Darth Vader, Bernard Madoff is his
biggest hero. "The pigs hate how Madoff put a cool super-villain
face on human greed," opined Mr. X-Bot. "Thanks to Madoff,
anyone in America can be a psycho super-crook with superpowers to wipe
out every life form on the planet in an insatiable quest for lucre, pelf,
and power. Madoff brought reality to the world of video games,
man."<br><br>
Sallie Faye, mother of three, who was in the area to visit her
unemployment office, agreed. "The whole stock market is basically
lotto for the rich – but with fewer regulations, more people can play!
Pretty soon, due to all the acquisitions and mergers and stuff, there'll
be only one big gimongous mega-corporation left on earth, with one person
controlling it. It's my right as an American to waste my life, hoping
that one person will be ME."<br><br>
Ms. Faye then walked over to a vendor's table to pick up a pamphlet and
buy an extra-tight pink T-shirt with sequins that spelled out "FIGHT
THE POWERLESS."<br><br>
Given the scope of the Wealthy Underground's influence, authorities have
no clue where or how the gang will strike next. Intelligence efforts have
so far failed to penetrate Underground activities, although a few lurid
reports have surfaced about secret cadre meetings with "tender
offers," "put options," that lead to "hostile
takeovers," and members sucking gold bullion cubes to achieve a
hallucinatory high. There are also rumors of plans to kidnap known
socialists, such as Paul Krugman and Rachel Maddow.<br><br>
According to anonymous sources, the Wealthy Underground Organization may
even have installed "soft on capitalism" sympathizers at the
highest levels of government. This could explain why, when Secretary of
State Hillary Clinton was informed of the Wealthy Underground's attempt
to blow up the jail holding the perpetrator of history's biggest investor
fraud, she remarked, "I didn't do it, but I dug it."<br><br>
Meanwhile, Bernard Madoff's aboveground support committee is planning a
series of bake sales and al fresco puppet shows to raise money for Mr.
Madoff's prison commissary fund. His attorneys, however, caution
potential contributors not to expect returns on their
"donations" for at least four years.<br><br>
<br><br>
© Susie Day, 2009 <br><br>
(Former Weather Underground member Laura Whitehorn made certain tax-free
word contributions, here.)<br><br>
<br>
</b></font><x-sigsep><p></x-sigsep>
<font size=3 color="#FF0000">Freedom Archives<br>
522 Valencia Street<br>
San Francisco, CA 94110<br><br>
</font><font size=3 color="#008000">415 863-9977<br><br>
</font><font size=3 color="#0000FF">
<a href="http://www.freedomarchives.org/" eudora="autourl">
www.Freedomarchives.org</a></font><font size=3> </font></body>
</html>