[News] The Bankers United will never be Indicted
Anti-Imperialist News
news at freedomarchives.org
Fri Apr 10 11:42:49 EDT 2009
BERNIE BREAKOUT SHOCKER! MADOFF ALMOST MADE OFF!!!
Today at dawn, New York City police surprised a
gang of free market fanatics just before they
could set off a massive dynamite explosion that
would have blown away the entire northern wall of
lower Manhattan's Metropolitan Correctional
Center. The gang members, clad in black Armani
ski masks and tasteful Christian Dior jogging
suits, fled the scene, leaving behind a
communiqué identifying themselves as the Wealthy
Underground Organization, a militant clandestine
group dedicated to the "liberation" of disgraced
businessman and former NASDAQ chairman, Bernard L. Madoff.
According to police, the Wealthy Underground
Organization is one of a growing number of
capitalist extremist groups borrowing tactics
from the 1960s nostalgia craze in order to fight
what it sees as the "socialist menace" brought on
by President Obama's response to the economic crisis.
News of the daring rescue attempt quickly spread
throughout radical capitalist circles, bringing
tycoons, magnates, and entrepreneurs from
corporate CEOs to ice cream vendors to the
Correctional Center to demonstrate in support of
the Wealthy Underground. Picketing and chanting,
protestors held signs reading "FREE BERNIE!" and
"THE BANKERS UNITED WILL NEVER BE INDICTED."
Muffy-Ayn Randsworth, Harvard Business School
senior and president of Students for an
Autocratic Society (SAS), grabbed a bullhorn,
climbed onto the hood of her Mini Cooper, and
began lecturing the crowd, calling Bernard Madoff
the "Che Guevara of free market capitalism."
"Bernie brought down the System, baby!"
proclaimed Ms. Randsworth. "By defrauding
thousands of innocent people and charitable
organizations to the tune of $65 billion, he said
NO to oppressive fiscal regulations and
petit-bourgeois guilt. Like a heroic professor,
persecuted for teaching evolution, Bernard Madoff
is behind bars today for demonstrating his belief
in social Darwinism. OFF THE REGS!"
The crowd roared its approval, then began
spontaneously to chant: BERNIE MADOFF, LIVE LIKE
HIM DARE TO SWINDLE, DARE TO WIN!
The protest was generally peaceful, except when a
passing driver got out of his Meals on Wheels van
and shouted, "You don't like it here? Go back to
the Cayman Islands." Calm was quickly restored,
however, when several Goldman Sachs executives beat him senseless.
Although the radical free enterprise movement
appears to have started with a few fanatics in
society's upper reaches, it has quickly gained
wider popularity than the 1960s anti-war movement
ever had. Many Americans, embittered by their
government's economic measures, which have bilked
them out of jobs, homes, and hard-earned tax
dollars, are beginning to take clues from Bernard
Madoff, who was able to privatize a similar
albeit illegal scheme for vast personal gain.
Bobby Cy-Bot, iPod salesman who attended the
rally on break from his Apple Computer store,
says that, after Darth Vader, Bernard Madoff is
his biggest hero. "The pigs hate how Madoff put a
cool super-villain face on human greed," opined
Mr. X-Bot. "Thanks to Madoff, anyone in America
can be a psycho super-crook with superpowers to
wipe out every life form on the planet in an
insatiable quest for lucre, pelf, and power.
Madoff brought reality to the world of video games, man."
Sallie Faye, mother of three, who was in the area
to visit her unemployment office, agreed. "The
whole stock market is basically lotto for the
rich but with fewer regulations, more people
can play! Pretty soon, due to all the
acquisitions and mergers and stuff, there'll be
only one big gimongous mega-corporation left on
earth, with one person controlling it. It's my
right as an American to waste my life, hoping that one person will be ME."
Ms. Faye then walked over to a vendor's table to
pick up a pamphlet and buy an extra-tight pink
T-shirt with sequins that spelled out "FIGHT THE POWERLESS."
Given the scope of the Wealthy Underground's
influence, authorities have no clue where or how
the gang will strike next. Intelligence efforts
have so far failed to penetrate Underground
activities, although a few lurid reports have
surfaced about secret cadre meetings with "tender
offers," "put options," that lead to "hostile
takeovers," and members sucking gold bullion
cubes to achieve a hallucinatory high. There are
also rumors of plans to kidnap known socialists,
such as Paul Krugman and Rachel Maddow.
According to anonymous sources, the Wealthy
Underground Organization may even have installed
"soft on capitalism" sympathizers at the highest
levels of government. This could explain why,
when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was
informed of the Wealthy Underground's attempt to
blow up the jail holding the perpetrator of
history's biggest investor fraud, she remarked, "I didn't do it, but I dug it."
Meanwhile, Bernard Madoff's aboveground support
committee is planning a series of bake sales and
al fresco puppet shows to raise money for Mr.
Madoff's prison commissary fund. His attorneys,
however, caution potential contributors not to
expect returns on their "donations" for at least four years.
© Susie Day, 2009
(Former Weather Underground member Laura
Whitehorn made certain tax-free word contributions, here.)
Freedom Archives
522 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110
415 863-9977
www.Freedomarchives.org
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