[News] The Problem with Heterosexuals

[Anti-Imperialist News]

The Problem with Heterosexuals
Proposition 1984

By SUSIE DAY

Look at your paycheck. Did your company take out 
again for Iraqi quagmire-maintenance? Now, look 
around. Is the crime rate going up in your 
neighborhood? Do you suspect your nifty new 
iPhone is tracking your every move? Are you 
worried that the economic meltdown will leave you 
homeless, starving, and naked in the streets? 
Perhaps you are already homeless, starving, and 
naked in the streets with your new iPhone? Would you agree there is a Problem?

You know what the Problem is, don't you? Heterosexuals. I have evidence.

Everywhere you go – there they are. Walking. 
Talking. Eating. Buying things. Going to the "Men" or the "Ladies" room.

Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of 
thing. We all have our repulsive little quirks, I 
suppose. Some of my best friends are straight: 
"heavy in the loafer"; "friends of Britney," if 
you will. We admire these people for their sports 
stadiums; their automated tollbooths; that 
slaphappy sit-com humor that has allowed 
Heterosexuals to survive centuries of hardship. But there are limits.

Marriage, for instance. Show me where in the 
Bible it says that two people of opposing 
genders, by becoming legally wed, should be able 
to get Social Security, Food Stamps, and Income Tax benefits.

Shocking? Yes! SIMPLY BY GETTING MARRIED, 
Heterosexuals derive some 1,400 entitlements – 
approximately 1,000 federal and 400 state – FEW 
OF WHICH CAN BE OBTAINED OUTSIDE THE BONDS OF 
LEGAL MATRIMONY! Imagine Heterosexuals being 
allowed to visit spouses in hospitals; claiming 
joint privileges to adopt and raise children; 
gaining immigrant residency status; obtaining 
bereavement or sick leave. Disgusting!

AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE IN THE MESS WE'RE IN TODAY!

These "special rights" invoked by 
connubially-wedded Heterosexuals have upset the 
natural order of things. They are against God's 
Plan for Us. Hark: you can almost hear God retching.

I admit they had me fooled for a while. At first, 
Heterosexuals appeared to be just another 
harmless identity group. They stayed in their 
place. We tolerated them. Heck, weren't we all "just people"?

Then I got up the nerve to enroll in the School 
of American Ballet. My application was turned 
down: they wanted someone whose posture was a 
little "straighter." The economy started to tank 
and several of my friends were "laid" off their 
jobs. A nuclear family moved into our neighborhood – and rents skyrocketed.

So I began to look around. I realized that what I 
had been watching was part of a carefully 
orchestrated plan. "They teach god-knows-what 
filth in our schools," I thought, "inherit each 
other's estates, get conjugal visits in prison – 
and there's nothing we can do about it."

Or was there? I got some facts. Did you know that:

*Heterosexuals comprise at least 90% of the population?

*That this "population" is teeming with huge 
numbers of muggers, pickpockets, corporate 
polluters, slumlords, child pornographers, and fascist dictators?

*It therefore follows that at least 90% of all 
muggers, pickpockets, corporate polluters, 
slumlords, child pornographers, and fascist dictators are 
 HETEROSEXUALS!!!

WHY ARE THESE DEVIANTS ALLOWED TO MARRY EACH 
OTHER? DON'T THEY HAVE ENOUGH RIGHTS?

I have begun an anthropomorphic study of 
Heterosexuals. Oh, they start off innocently 
enough. As babies, Heterosexuals are often quite 
cute. Many of them, however, cry all night and 
drool a lot – the first signs that something is not right.

As Heterosexuals grow older, they watch TV for 
hours – depraved programs such as "Family Guy" or 
"MASH" reruns, designed to implant the 
psychosexual desire ONLY for others of the 
"opposite" sex. Then they go outdoors to engage 
in shame-based playtime activities such as 
"house" or "doctor." Soon, all they can think of 
is buying nudity-promoting hygiene products and 
getting a place of their own, so they can procure 
other Heterosexuals with whom to enjoy frequent 
and legal erotic relations. Thus are they 
indoctrinated into HETEROSEXUALITY'S MATRIMONIAL 
DOMINATION OF THE ENTIRE GLOBE!!!

Accident? No! Through patient research, I have 
uncovered a vast, international conspiracy of 
Militant Heterosexuals who seek total worldwide 
supremacy over Planet Earth! Their behavior is 
being constantly monitored by their Militant 
Heterosexual president, Big Breeder. "Big Breeder 
Is Watching" is one of the mottos of the 
Breederhood. Others include: (1) Freedom is 
Marriage; (2) War Is Cute When It's Between the 
Sexes; and (3) Ignorance Of And Alienation From 
My Wondrously Protean, Polymorphous Libido Is A 
Small Price To Pay For World Domination.

Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. So 
get righteous: Go up to each and every 
Heterosexual you see on the street. Ask them to 
think about the chaos in the Middle East and the 
economic meltdown; about domestic surveillance 
and starving in the streets. Tell them THEY have caused these problems.

Then get them to give you their paychecks.

Susie Day can be reached at: <mailto:sday at skadden.com>sday at skadden.com

©  Susie Day, 2008




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