[News] The Problem with Heterosexuals
Anti-Imperialist News
news at freedomarchives.org
Fri Dec 12 18:30:48 EST 2008
The Problem with Heterosexuals
Proposition 1984
By SUSIE DAY
Look at your paycheck. Did your company take out
again for Iraqi quagmire-maintenance? Now, look
around. Is the crime rate going up in your
neighborhood? Do you suspect your nifty new
iPhone is tracking your every move? Are you
worried that the economic meltdown will leave you
homeless, starving, and naked in the streets?
Perhaps you are already homeless, starving, and
naked in the streets with your new iPhone? Would you agree there is a Problem?
You know what the Problem is, don't you? Heterosexuals. I have evidence.
Everywhere you go there they are. Walking.
Talking. Eating. Buying things. Going to the "Men" or the "Ladies" room.
Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of
thing. We all have our repulsive little quirks, I
suppose. Some of my best friends are straight:
"heavy in the loafer"; "friends of Britney," if
you will. We admire these people for their sports
stadiums; their automated tollbooths; that
slaphappy sit-com humor that has allowed
Heterosexuals to survive centuries of hardship. But there are limits.
Marriage, for instance. Show me where in the
Bible it says that two people of opposing
genders, by becoming legally wed, should be able
to get Social Security, Food Stamps, and Income Tax benefits.
Shocking? Yes! SIMPLY BY GETTING MARRIED,
Heterosexuals derive some 1,400 entitlements
approximately 1,000 federal and 400 state FEW
OF WHICH CAN BE OBTAINED OUTSIDE THE BONDS OF
LEGAL MATRIMONY! Imagine Heterosexuals being
allowed to visit spouses in hospitals; claiming
joint privileges to adopt and raise children;
gaining immigrant residency status; obtaining
bereavement or sick leave. Disgusting!
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE IN THE MESS WE'RE IN TODAY!
These "special rights" invoked by
connubially-wedded Heterosexuals have upset the
natural order of things. They are against God's
Plan for Us. Hark: you can almost hear God retching.
I admit they had me fooled for a while. At first,
Heterosexuals appeared to be just another
harmless identity group. They stayed in their
place. We tolerated them. Heck, weren't we all "just people"?
Then I got up the nerve to enroll in the School
of American Ballet. My application was turned
down: they wanted someone whose posture was a
little "straighter." The economy started to tank
and several of my friends were "laid" off their
jobs. A nuclear family moved into our neighborhood and rents skyrocketed.
So I began to look around. I realized that what I
had been watching was part of a carefully
orchestrated plan. "They teach god-knows-what
filth in our schools," I thought, "inherit each
other's estates, get conjugal visits in prison
and there's nothing we can do about it."
Or was there? I got some facts. Did you know that:
*Heterosexuals comprise at least 90% of the population?
*That this "population" is teeming with huge
numbers of muggers, pickpockets, corporate
polluters, slumlords, child pornographers, and fascist dictators?
*It therefore follows that at least 90% of all
muggers, pickpockets, corporate polluters,
slumlords, child pornographers, and fascist dictators are
HETEROSEXUALS!!!
WHY ARE THESE DEVIANTS ALLOWED TO MARRY EACH
OTHER? DON'T THEY HAVE ENOUGH RIGHTS?
I have begun an anthropomorphic study of
Heterosexuals. Oh, they start off innocently
enough. As babies, Heterosexuals are often quite
cute. Many of them, however, cry all night and
drool a lot the first signs that something is not right.
As Heterosexuals grow older, they watch TV for
hours depraved programs such as "Family Guy" or
"MASH" reruns, designed to implant the
psychosexual desire ONLY for others of the
"opposite" sex. Then they go outdoors to engage
in shame-based playtime activities such as
"house" or "doctor." Soon, all they can think of
is buying nudity-promoting hygiene products and
getting a place of their own, so they can procure
other Heterosexuals with whom to enjoy frequent
and legal erotic relations. Thus are they
indoctrinated into HETEROSEXUALITY'S MATRIMONIAL
DOMINATION OF THE ENTIRE GLOBE!!!
Accident? No! Through patient research, I have
uncovered a vast, international conspiracy of
Militant Heterosexuals who seek total worldwide
supremacy over Planet Earth! Their behavior is
being constantly monitored by their Militant
Heterosexual president, Big Breeder. "Big Breeder
Is Watching" is one of the mottos of the
Breederhood. Others include: (1) Freedom is
Marriage; (2) War Is Cute When It's Between the
Sexes; and (3) Ignorance Of And Alienation From
My Wondrously Protean, Polymorphous Libido Is A
Small Price To Pay For World Domination.
Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. So
get righteous: Go up to each and every
Heterosexual you see on the street. Ask them to
think about the chaos in the Middle East and the
economic meltdown; about domestic surveillance
and starving in the streets. Tell them THEY have caused these problems.
Then get them to give you their paychecks.
Susie Day can be reached at: <mailto:sday at skadden.com>sday at skadden.com
© Susie Day, 2008
Freedom Archives
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San Francisco, CA 94110
415 863-9977
www.Freedomarchives.org
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