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<h1><font face="Times New Roman, Times" size=4><b>The Problem with
Heterosexuals <br>
</i></font><font face="Times New Roman, Times" size=5 color="#990000">
Proposition 1984
</b></font></h1><font face="Times New Roman, Times" size=4>By SUSIE DAY
<br><br>
</font><font face="Verdana" size=6 color="#993300">L</font>
<font face="Verdana" size=2>ook at your paycheck. Did your company take
out again for Iraqi quagmire-maintenance? Now, look around. Is the crime
rate going up in your neighborhood? Do you suspect your nifty new iPhone
is tracking your every move? Are you worried that the economic meltdown
will leave you homeless, starving, and naked in the streets? Perhaps you
are already homeless, starving, and naked in the streets with your new
iPhone? Would you agree there is a Problem?<br><br>
You know what the Problem is, don't you? Heterosexuals. I have
evidence.<br><br>
Everywhere you go – there they are. Walking. Talking. Eating. Buying
things. Going to the "Men" or the "Ladies" room.
<br><br>
Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of thing. We all have our
repulsive little quirks, I suppose. Some of my best friends are straight:
"heavy in the loafer"; "friends of Britney," if you
will. We admire these people for their sports stadiums; their automated
tollbooths; that slaphappy sit-com humor that has allowed Heterosexuals
to survive centuries of hardship. But there are limits.<br><br>
Marriage, for instance. Show me where in the Bible it says that two
people of opposing genders, by becoming legally wed, should be able to
get Social Security, Food Stamps, and Income Tax benefits. <br><br>
Shocking? Yes! SIMPLY BY GETTING MARRIED, Heterosexuals derive some 1,400
entitlements – approximately 1,000 federal and 400 state – FEW OF WHICH
CAN BE OBTAINED OUTSIDE THE BONDS OF LEGAL MATRIMONY! Imagine
Heterosexuals being allowed to visit spouses in hospitals; claiming joint
privileges to adopt and raise children; gaining immigrant residency
status; obtaining bereavement or sick leave. Disgusting!<br><br>
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE IN THE MESS WE'RE IN TODAY! <br><br>
These "special rights" invoked by connubially-wedded
Heterosexuals have upset the natural order of things. They are against
God's Plan for Us. Hark: you can almost hear God retching.<br><br>
I admit they had me fooled for a while. At first, Heterosexuals appeared
to be just another harmless identity group. They stayed in their place.
We tolerated them. Heck, weren't we all "just people"?<br><br>
Then I got up the nerve to enroll in the School of American Ballet. My
application was turned down: they wanted someone whose posture was a
little "straighter." The economy started to tank and several of
my friends were "laid" off their jobs. A nuclear family moved
into our neighborhood – and rents skyrocketed.<br><br>
So I began to look around. I realized that what I had been watching was
part of a carefully orchestrated plan. "They teach god-knows-what
filth in our schools," I thought, "inherit each other's
estates, get conjugal visits in prison – and there's nothing we can do
about it."<br><br>
Or was there? I got some facts. Did you know that:<br><br>
*Heterosexuals comprise <i>at least</i> 90% of the population?<br><br>
*That this "population" is teeming with huge numbers of
muggers, pickpockets, corporate polluters, slumlords, child
pornographers, and fascist dictators?<br><br>
*It therefore follows that at least <b>90%</b> of all muggers,
pickpockets, corporate polluters, slumlords, child pornographers, and
fascist dictators are … HETEROSEXUALS!!! <br><br>
WHY ARE THESE DEVIANTS ALLOWED TO MARRY EACH OTHER? DON'T THEY HAVE
ENOUGH RIGHTS? <br><br>
I have begun an anthropomorphic study of Heterosexuals. Oh, they start
off innocently enough. As babies, Heterosexuals are often quite cute.
Many of them, however, cry all night and drool a lot – the first signs
that something is not right.<br><br>
As Heterosexuals grow older, they watch TV for hours – depraved programs
such as "Family Guy" or "MASH" reruns, designed to
implant the psychosexual desire ONLY for others of the
"opposite" sex. Then they go outdoors to engage in shame-based
playtime activities such as "house" or "doctor."
Soon, all they can think of is buying nudity-promoting hygiene products
and getting a place of their own, so they can procure other Heterosexuals
with whom to enjoy frequent and <i>legal</i> erotic relations. Thus are
they indoctrinated into HETEROSEXUALITY'S MATRIMONIAL DOMINATION OF THE
ENTIRE GLOBE!!!<br><br>
Accident? No! Through patient research, I have uncovered a vast,
international conspiracy of Militant Heterosexuals who seek total
worldwide supremacy over Planet Earth! Their behavior is being constantly
monitored by their Militant Heterosexual president, Big Breeder.
"Big Breeder Is Watching" is one of the mottos of the
Breederhood. Others include: (1) Freedom is Marriage; (2) War Is Cute
When It's Between the Sexes; and (3) Ignorance Of And Alienation From My
Wondrously Protean, Polymorphous Libido Is A Small Price To Pay For World
Domination.<br><br>
Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. So get righteous: Go up to
each and every Heterosexual you see on the street. Ask them to think
about the chaos in the Middle East and the economic meltdown; about
domestic surveillance and starving in the streets. Tell them THEY have
caused these problems. <br><br>
Then get them to give you their paychecks.<br><br>
<b>Susie Day</b> can be reached at:
<a href="mailto:sday@skadden.com">sday@skadden.com</a><br><br>
© Susie Day, 2008<br><br>
<br><br>
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