[News] Post-DOMA Do's and Don'ts for the Single Queer
Anti-Imperialist News
news at freedomarchives.org
Tue Oct 29 10:17:41 EDT 2013
Dearly beloved -
I thought, given as Halloween is growing nigh and all: What could be
scarier than MARRIAGE??? And now that the repeal of DOMA has given many
of us equal rights to be terrified, here’s this thing:
*POST-DOMA DO’S AND DON’TS FOR THE SINGLE QUEER*
Now that the Defense of Marriage Act has been repealed and same-sex
couples in select states are free to legally marry, homophobia has lost
much of its cultural currency. These days, discerning bigots consider it
/passé/ to hate homos, bi’s, trannies, or the gender-questioning, as
long as they’ve gone to all the trouble of registering their silver
patterns at Macy’s.
Since society tends to see the sexual commingling of
legally sanctioned couples – either straight or gay - as a bland,
nonthreatening amalgam, the fashionably phobic now choose a more refined
target on which to project their innate fears and insecurity: the single
queer. Sans spouse, sans mate, sans boo – sans everything.
If you’re single; if you have no one you can chastise for
ordering the wrong flavor of sexual lube on the Internet; if there’s no
Special Someone in your life to blurt out your most intimate secrets in
front of dozens of strangers on the A Train, cheer up. Your time will
come. Meanwhile, the important thing is not to call attention to
yourself as the pissed-off stereotype of the single LGBTQ reprobate that
you probably are. “Out and Proud” is so old hat; “Effete and Discrete”
is where it’s at. Here are some pointers to follow until the Right
Partner comes along.
*DON'T:* throw gin bottles at the TV and scream, "WHY CAN'T I FILE A
JOINT TAX RETURN?" while gay and/or lesbian “power couples” strut their
/joie de vivre/ stuff in front of news cameras. Other married people in
the room can sense your desperation and might start to shun you as one
of those embarrassing single people. Try to understand that, in today’s
world, sexuality of all shapes and sizes is acceptable. It is the fact
of your own solitary existence – alone, staring into the Infinity’s
bleak, cold void of human purposelessness and mortality – that makes you
the /real/ pervert.
*DO:* dress in clothes that tastefully conform to the image of a hip,
gay married person. This means, ladies: no jockstraps; gents: no
hoopskirts. Red ribbons and rainbow flag pins should be neatly pinned to
lapels, not through nipples. When in doubt as to your costume, consult
your local genitalia. Persons of the /gyno/ persuasion should wear a
slimming dress or smart, "Rachel Maddow" slacks, while those of the
/dudely/ persuasion should don a casual, “Anderson Cooper” suit with
pants reaching well below the knee.
*DON'T:* tease the radical "queers." These people stridently call
married people horrid names like “breeders” and “couple-talist pigs.”
They enjoy making everyone around them unhappy with their ridiculous
protests about keeping the “law” off their “bodies.” Historians of the
1980s record these malcontents following President Reagan around,
chanting, “Racist-Sexist-Anti-Gay-Ronald-Reagan-Go-Away." For pity's
sake, if they really wanted the president to "Go Away," they wouldn't
have gone to a place where they knew he would /be/, would they? Given
their illogic and volatility, it is best not to point and laugh while
they protest. Their little faces get red and they have seizures and pass
out, then are carried off by cops, who do god knows what with them, thus
hastening their inevitable, dinosaur-like extinction. On second thought:
go ahead and tease them.
*NEVER:* question your governmental authorities about issues that are
not specifically about gay rights. After all, what do /you/ know about
U.S. policy? Maybe Pakistan thinks drone attacks are cool! Maybe polar
bears enjoy playing on melting icecaps! Remember, if it's not our
problem, it doesn't really exist. Vive /our/ difference!
*DO:* jump to your feet and cheer like a Hun witnessing a human
sacrifice when our President begins a speech with rote chumminess like,
"Michelle and I …" Remember, our President is now a Fellow Couple. He’s
also having a mighty hard time these days, so cheer after anything he
says that is not blatantly against gay marriage. Nothing impresses a
president like adoration, which will remind him that we are not
terrorists and do not deserve to be sent to Guantánamo to be held under
"indefinite detention." (Note to single queers: send President wee note,
thanking him for not holding you under indefinite detention. A small
hanging plant might also help him through this financial crisis.)
*DON'T:* perform the gaucherie of attempting to start a third “radical”
political party. This is the height of ingratitude, and has been done to
death. Both married and single homos have the potential to be just as
sleazy and compromising as any heterosexual in either Party – let's use it!
*DO:* go online! A life devoted to blogging and tweeting makes you feel
like you're on the verge of thousands of intimate relationships, when in
reality, your life becomes more atomized and interior than ever! It's
fun to have a gay singles website – you may get thousands of "hits" –
but you'll never get an STD! LOL!
*DON'T:* stop, no matter how alone you are, adding to your gay-marriage
hope chest! All the best TV sit-coms prove that married people will
inevitably like you if you keep showing them that you, as a single
person, hate yourself! Making disparaging remarks about your weight
and/or body image is good. Also useful are whimsical remarks about how
you never got dates in high school. And don’t forget developing funny,
self-degrading crushes on unattainable icons, stars, and heroes. Just
keep insulting yourself, and ultimately, people will accept you for
whatever it is you might be if you could ever get married.
© Susie Day, 2013
--
Freedom Archives 522 Valencia Street San Francisco, CA 94110 415
863.9977 www.freedomarchives.org
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