[News] Post-DOMA Do's and Don'ts for the Single Queer

Anti-Imperialist News news at freedomarchives.org
Tue Oct 29 10:17:41 EDT 2013


Dearly beloved -
I thought, given as Halloween is growing nigh and all: What could be 
scarier than MARRIAGE??? And now that the repeal of DOMA has given many 
of us equal rights to be terrified, here’s this thing:

*POST-DOMA DO’S AND DON’TS FOR THE SINGLE QUEER*

Now that the Defense of Marriage Act has been repealed and same-sex 
couples in select states are free to legally marry, homophobia has lost 
much of its cultural currency. These days, discerning bigots consider it 
/passé/ to hate homos, bi’s, trannies, or the gender-questioning, as 
long as they’ve gone to all the trouble of registering their silver 
patterns at Macy’s.

             Since society tends to see the sexual commingling of 
legally sanctioned couples – either straight or gay - as a bland, 
nonthreatening amalgam, the fashionably phobic now choose a more refined 
target on which to project their innate fears and insecurity: the single 
queer. Sans spouse, sans mate, sans boo – sans everything.

             If you’re single; if you have no one you can chastise for 
ordering the wrong flavor of sexual lube on the Internet; if there’s no 
Special Someone in your life to blurt out your most intimate secrets in 
front of dozens of strangers on the A Train, cheer up. Your time will 
come. Meanwhile, the important thing is not to call attention to 
yourself as the pissed-off stereotype of the single LGBTQ reprobate that 
you probably are. “Out and Proud” is so old hat; “Effete and Discrete” 
is where it’s at. Here are some pointers to follow until the Right 
Partner comes along.

*DON'T:* throw gin bottles at the TV and scream, "WHY CAN'T I FILE A 
JOINT TAX RETURN?" while gay and/or lesbian “power couples” strut their 
/joie de vivre/ stuff in front of news cameras. Other married people in 
the room can sense your desperation and might start to shun you as one 
of those embarrassing single people. Try to understand that, in today’s 
world, sexuality of all shapes and sizes is acceptable. It is the fact 
of your own solitary existence – alone, staring into the Infinity’s 
bleak, cold void of human purposelessness and mortality – that makes you 
the /real/ pervert.

*DO:* dress in clothes that tastefully conform to the image of a hip, 
gay married person. This means, ladies: no jockstraps; gents: no 
hoopskirts. Red ribbons and rainbow flag pins should be neatly pinned to 
lapels, not through nipples. When in doubt as to your costume, consult 
your local genitalia. Persons of the /gyno/ persuasion should wear a 
slimming dress or smart, "Rachel Maddow" slacks, while those of the 
/dudely/ persuasion should don a casual, “Anderson Cooper” suit with 
pants reaching well below the knee.

*DON'T:* tease the radical "queers." These people stridently call 
married people horrid names like “breeders” and “couple-talist pigs.” 
They enjoy making everyone around them unhappy with their ridiculous 
protests about keeping the “law” off their “bodies.” Historians of the 
1980s record these malcontents following President Reagan around, 
chanting, “Racist-Sexist-Anti-Gay-Ronald-Reagan-Go-Away." For pity's 
sake, if they really wanted the president to "Go Away," they wouldn't 
have gone to a place where they knew he would /be/, would they? Given 
their illogic and volatility, it is best not to point and laugh while 
they protest. Their little faces get red and they have seizures and pass 
out, then are carried off by cops, who do god knows what with them, thus 
hastening their inevitable, dinosaur-like extinction. On second thought: 
go ahead and tease them.

*NEVER:* question your governmental authorities about issues that are 
not specifically about gay rights. After all, what do /you/ know about 
U.S. policy? Maybe Pakistan thinks drone attacks are cool! Maybe polar 
bears enjoy playing on melting icecaps! Remember, if it's not our 
problem, it doesn't really exist. Vive /our/ difference!

*DO:* jump to your feet and cheer like a Hun witnessing a human 
sacrifice when our President begins a speech with rote chumminess like, 
"Michelle and I …" Remember, our President is now a Fellow Couple. He’s 
also having a mighty hard time these days, so cheer after anything he 
says that is not blatantly against gay marriage. Nothing impresses a 
president like adoration, which will remind him that we are not 
terrorists and do not deserve to be sent to Guantánamo to be held under 
"indefinite detention." (Note to single queers: send President wee note, 
thanking him for not holding you under indefinite detention. A small 
hanging plant might also help him through this financial crisis.)

*DON'T:* perform the gaucherie of attempting to start a third “radical” 
political party. This is the height of ingratitude, and has been done to 
death. Both married and single homos have the potential to be just as 
sleazy and compromising as any heterosexual in either Party – let's use it!

*DO:* go online! A life devoted to blogging and tweeting makes you feel 
like you're on the verge of thousands of intimate relationships, when in 
reality, your life becomes more atomized and interior than ever! It's 
fun to have a gay singles website – you may get thousands of "hits" – 
but you'll never get an STD! LOL!

*DON'T:* stop, no matter how alone you are, adding to your gay-marriage 
hope chest! All the best TV sit-coms prove that married people will 
inevitably like you if you keep showing them that you, as a single 
person, hate yourself! Making disparaging remarks about your weight 
and/or body image is good. Also useful are whimsical remarks about how 
you never got dates in high school. And don’t forget developing funny, 
self-degrading crushes on unattainable icons, stars, and heroes. Just 
keep insulting yourself, and ultimately, people will accept you for 
whatever it is you might be if you could ever get married.

                                                                                     ©  Susie Day, 2013


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