[News] Brain Surgery Excises Obama Ambivalence for Rads

[Anti-Imperialist News]

*Brain Surgery Excises Obadiah Ambivalence for Rads*
by Susie Day

16.07.12
http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/2012/day160712.html

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- In what promises to be a real boost for the U.S. 
presidential incumbent, a team of doctors has devised a "miraculous" new 
method of brain surgery that purportedly will enable thousands of 
radical leftists, progressives, and revolutionaries to vote -- on 
purpose -- for Barack Obama in the fall election.

The operation involves slicing through the cranium of a typical 
"latte-sucking socialist" to disconnect the normal part of the brain 
from the enlarged ultra-left temporal lobe, or "cerebral meshuganut 
center," that has become repeatedly traumatized during the past four 
years of the Obama administration.

This prefrontal "l'Obamamy," though still in experimental stages, seems 
to relieve patients of the grandiose delusion that they are personally 
responsible for stopping federal policies that have produced a range of 
"atrocities," from the killing of multiple thousands of civilians 
overseas to the continued destruction of the biosphere.

"I heartily endorse and recommend this product," stated Democratic 
National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz at a recent 
pre-convention press conference.  According to reports from Fox News, 
however, Ms. Wasserman Schultz appears to have invested heavily in 
National Public Radio, a major funder of the research that went into 
developing the l'Obamamy.

No one is quite sure just how the l'Obamamic procedure works, but it 
seems to remove some of the waxy buildup in an area of the brain known 
as the "Kumbayah Oblongata," so that psychotic illusions pertaining to 
the existence of viable third parties, The Revolution, hope-and-change, 
etc. are eradicated.  But whatever its why's and wherefore's, the 
operation results in cutting through ethical conflicts experienced by 
leftwing radicals who complain of blinding existential pain at being 
pressured by their less radical peers to vote for the Democratic 
presidential candidate, merely because he is "better" than the Republican.

"My more liberal friends all told me I /had/ to vote for Obama to save 
us from Romney's terrible domestic policies 
<http://www.isidewith.com/romney-vs-obama-on-the-issues>," said Dave 
Weiner-Vegan, who underwent a l'Obamamy last Tuesday.  "But I just 
couldn't.  I mean, who could ethically choose between a corporate 
shill/war criminal who favors gay marriage and abortion rights, and a 
corporate shill/war criminal wannabe who doesn't?"

Mr. Weiner-Vegan, a former peace activist, paused while a nurse adjusted 
his IV drip and then continued, laughing, "I see now that I was totally 
deranged.  When November comes, I will be proud to vote for . . . to 
vote for . . . that guy we thought was going to close Guantánamo."

Mr. Weiner-Vegan went on to express his gratitude that he was able to 
afford this operation because of the new national healthcare plan that 
forces employers to provide "free" l'Obamamies to all workers.  This 
plan, warn Beltway insiders, may be pushed to the limit once the public 
learns of the operation's cosmetic side effects.

"My l'Obamamy is more effective than Botox, and p.s., it's way less 
bourgeois," quipped trend-setting photojournalist Libby Chardonnay at 
George Clooney's recent fundraiser for Mr. Obama 
<http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/11/george-clooney-obama_n_1508850.html>.

Admitting to having had "work done," Ms. Chardonnay went on to say, 
"It's like my superego just got a tummy-tuck.  I've regained the apathy 
I thought I'd lost in my youth.  All my grief and worry lines that came 
from covering the Persian Gulf are gone!  Now, when I'm on assignment 
and need to snap a photo of some Pakistani kid being hit by a drone 
<http://dawn.com/2012/07/14/drone-attacks-legality/>, I just close my 
eyes and visualize a gay wedding.  Hell, I've already turned in my 
absentee ballot.  Thank you, L'Obama Care!"

In addition to a sense of apathy, three out of four postoperative 
patients report getting a "real nice feeling" when exposed to random 
sound bites 
<http://www.politico.com/politico44/2012/07/standout-soundbites-from-obamas-betting-on-america-128206.html> 
from the President's campaign speeches.  According to trained medical 
personnel on the graveyard shift at Bellevue Hospital, such actual 
campaign /aperçus/ as, "The great thing about our democracy is you get 
to be the tiebreaker," cannot be fully understood or appreciated 
/unless/ a listener has recently had extensive brain surgery.

Despite this surgical breakthrough, however, national security experts 
speak of the need to remain vigilant against those who do not evince 
"real nice feelings" about either presidential candidate.  As part of 
the fight against terrorism, law enforcement officials advise anyone who 
sees a person or persons demonstrating politically motivated discontent 
to notify authorities.

For example, this reporter just alerted police to the annoying presence 
of Iraqi war veteran Steve Schellschoken, who is sitting right now in 
Zuccotti Park, holding a hand-scrawled cardboard sign saying: "VOTING 
FOR THE LESSER OF 2 EVILS IS ITSELF EVIL!!!"

Now, as the police handcuff him and lead him away, Mr. Schellschoken is 
heard to say: "How come you people aren't outraged?  Our best choice for 
President is some fascist-lite dude whose military attacks destroy more 
lives than Bush; who spies without warrants on millions of Americans; 
who'll frack our brains out if we let him.  This election is fucking 
wrong, man.  We have a duty to /remember/ it's wrong, remember that 
every day.  So that someday we can maybe do something about this."

Subsequent tweets from OWS activists that Mr. Schellschoken has been 
added to President Obama's "Kill List" 
<http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/29/world/obamas-leadership-in-war-on-al-qaeda.html?pagewanted=all> 
have been widely denied.

-- 
Freedom Archives 522 Valencia Street San Francisco, CA 94110 415 
863-9977 www.freedomarchives.org
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