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<b><big><big><span class="style1">Brain Surgery Excises Obadiah
Ambivalence for Rads</span></big></big></b><br>
<span class="style2">by Susie Day<br>
<br>
</span>16.07.12<br>
<a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/2012/day160712.html">http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/2012/day160712.html</a><br>
<p>NEW YORK, N.Y. -- In what promises to be a real boost for the U.S.
presidential incumbent, a team of doctors has devised a "miraculous"
new method of brain surgery that purportedly will enable thousands of
radical leftists, progressives, and revolutionaries to vote -- on
purpose -- for Barack Obama in the fall election.</p>
<p>The operation involves slicing through the cranium of a typical
"latte-sucking socialist" to disconnect the normal part of the brain
from the enlarged ultra-left temporal lobe, or "cerebral meshuganut
center," that has become repeatedly traumatized during the past four
years of the Obama administration.</p>
<p>This prefrontal "l'Obamamy," though still in experimental stages,
seems to relieve patients of the grandiose delusion that they are
personally responsible for stopping federal policies that have produced
a range of "atrocities," from the killing of multiple thousands of
civilians overseas to the continued destruction of the biosphere.</p>
<p>"I heartily endorse and recommend this product," stated Democratic
National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz at a recent
pre-convention press conference. According to reports from Fox News,
however, Ms. Wasserman Schultz appears to have invested heavily in
National Public Radio, a major funder of the research that went into
developing the l'Obamamy.</p>
<p>No one is quite sure just how the l'Obamamic procedure works, but it
seems to remove some of the waxy buildup in an area of the brain known
as the "Kumbayah Oblongata," so that psychotic illusions pertaining to
the existence of viable third parties, The Revolution, hope-and-change,
etc. are eradicated. But whatever its why's and wherefore's, the
operation results in cutting through ethical conflicts experienced by
leftwing radicals who complain of blinding existential pain at being
pressured by their less radical peers to vote for the Democratic
presidential candidate, merely because he is "better" than the
Republican.</p>
<p>"My more liberal friends all told me I <em>had</em> to vote for
Obama to save us from <a
href="http://www.isidewith.com/romney-vs-obama-on-the-issues"
class="style5">Romney's terrible domestic policies</a>," said Dave
Weiner-Vegan, who underwent a l'Obamamy last Tuesday. "But I just
couldn't. I mean, who could ethically choose between a corporate
shill/war criminal who favors gay marriage and abortion rights, and a
corporate shill/war criminal wannabe who doesn't?"</p>
<p>Mr. Weiner-Vegan, a former peace activist, paused while a nurse
adjusted his IV drip and then continued, laughing, "I see now that I
was totally deranged. When November comes, I will be proud to vote for
. . . to vote for . . . that guy we thought was going to close
Guantánamo."</p>
<p>Mr. Weiner-Vegan went on to express his gratitude that he was able
to afford this operation because of the new national healthcare plan
that forces employers to provide "free" l'Obamamies to all workers.
This plan, warn Beltway insiders, may be pushed to the limit once the
public learns of the operation's cosmetic side effects.</p>
<p>"My l'Obamamy is more effective than Botox, and p.s., it's way less
bourgeois," quipped trend-setting photojournalist Libby Chardonnay at <a
href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/11/george-clooney-obama_n_1508850.html"
class="style5">George Clooney's recent fundraiser for Mr. Obama</a>.</p>
<p>Admitting to having had "work done," Ms. Chardonnay went on to say,
"It's like my superego just got a tummy-tuck. I've regained the apathy
I thought I'd lost in my youth. All my grief and worry lines that came
from covering the Persian Gulf are gone! Now, when I'm on assignment
and need to snap a photo of some Pakistani kid being hit by a <a
href="http://dawn.com/2012/07/14/drone-attacks-legality/"
class="style5">drone</a>, I just close my eyes and visualize a gay
wedding. Hell, I've already turned in my absentee ballot. Thank you,
L'Obama Care!"</p>
<p>In addition to a sense of apathy, three out of four postoperative
patients report getting a "real nice feeling" when exposed to <a
href="http://www.politico.com/politico44/2012/07/standout-soundbites-from-obamas-betting-on-america-128206.html"
class="style5">random sound bites</a> from the President's campaign
speeches. According to trained medical personnel on the graveyard
shift at Bellevue Hospital, such actual campaign <em>aperçus</em> as,
"The great thing about our democracy is you get to be the tiebreaker,"
cannot be fully understood or appreciated <em>unless</em> a listener
has recently had extensive brain surgery.</p>
<p>Despite this surgical breakthrough, however, national security
experts speak of the need to remain vigilant against those who do not
evince "real nice feelings" about either presidential candidate. As
part of the fight against terrorism, law enforcement officials advise
anyone who sees a person or persons demonstrating politically motivated
discontent to notify authorities.</p>
<p>For example, this reporter just alerted police to the annoying
presence of Iraqi war veteran Steve Schellschoken, who is sitting right
now in Zuccotti Park, holding a hand-scrawled cardboard sign saying:
"VOTING FOR THE LESSER OF 2 EVILS IS ITSELF EVIL!!!"</p>
<p>Now, as the police handcuff him and lead him away, Mr. Schellschoken
is heard to say: "How come you people aren't outraged? Our best choice
for President is some fascist-lite dude whose military attacks destroy
more lives than Bush; who spies without warrants on millions of
Americans; who'll frack our brains out if we let him. This election is
fucking wrong, man. We have a duty to <em>remember</em> it's wrong,
remember that every day. So that someday we can maybe do something
about this."</p>
<p>Subsequent tweets from OWS activists that Mr. Schellschoken has been
added to President <a
href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/29/world/obamas-leadership-in-war-on-al-qaeda.html?pagewanted=all"
class="style5">Obama's "Kill List"</a> have been widely denied.</p>
<div class="moz-signature">-- <br>
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415 863-9977
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