[News] Queerer My God, To Thee: The Ex-Straight Ministries

Fri Feb 4 08:18:14 EST 2011

Dear masses -

As you probably know, David Kato, a gay Ugandan 
activist, was killed last week. One of the 
factors that brought this about was the influx 
into Uganda of a u.s. organization called Exodus 
International, an ex-gay ministry that advances 
the "message of Freedom from homosexuality 
through the power of Jesus Christ." So here is 
this - but please don't think i don't care about what's happening in Egypt.
luv - sd

QUEERER MY GOD, TO THEE: THE EX-STRAIGHT MINISTRIES

      Believe it or not, heterosexuals, God loves 
you. And because of His love, God told us to 
launch a pricey advertizing blitz, gently 
rebuking you on billboards and in newspapers 
across the country. Unfortunately, we could only 
afford to rebuke you in this crummy tabloid-type 
publication. But we know God will understand. The 
important thing is for us to shame you into seeking reparative therapy.

      Yes, blessed are you, the little straight 
ones – in spite of your abominable heterosexual 
behavior. Blessed are you straight women, even as 
you diet and wax your legs and work overtime to 
pay for your reconstructive surgery, desperately 
hoping that no one will call you old or fat or 
ugly. Blessed are you straight men, even as you 
grunt and make kissy sounds at the shapely butts, 
waxed legs, and reconstructed pixie noses of the 
straight women, desperately hoping that no one will call you a fag.

      We believe that you would stop all this 
sinful heterosexuality if you knew that it makes 
the Baby Jesus cry. In fact, the Baby Jesus cried 
all over Queensland, Australia. Did you know you 
caused massive flooding? And did you know that 
you prompted the eruption of a volcano on Mount 
Kirishima, forcing the Baby Jesus to puke on 
Japan? That you are responsible for dread 
diseases such as mononucleosis, syphilis, and 
other “straight plagues”? That your selfish 
heterosexual “lifestyle” may be ruining the 
planet? There’s no telling where the Baby Jesus 
will strike next. Shouldn’t you stop before it’s too late?

      That’s why we of Ex-Straight Ministries 
founded Exorcist International: to stop you. You 
see, God feels that you would be saved if you 
allowed us to free you from heterosexuality by 
destroying your deepest psychosexual selfhood. 
But in a nice way. Do you want a hug?

      There, wuzza-wuzza. We forgive you. Modern 
science knows you can’t help it. You’ve got 
original sin, but it’s not in your soul; it’s 
lying lewdly around in your misshapen, 
Satan-soaked hypothalamus gland. God thinks it’s 
a pity that the so-called men of science didn’t 
“fix” you in utero. But then, your parents – no 
doubt ignorant heterosexuals themselves – probably didn’t know any better.

      According to the latest – heterosexual – 
statistics, homosexuals comprise only 1-to-10% of 
the population. That leaves 90-to-99% of our 
globe roiling in the fetid clutches of – 
heterosexuals! Continuing our calculations, we 
deduce that a full 90-to-99% of all drunk 
drivers, gun-toting psychotics, sub-prime 
mortgage financiers, marauding space aliens, 
fundamentalist suicide bombers, war criminals, 
and toxic waste particulates are
heterosexual!

      Ergo, if anything died, you killed it. If 
anything was bombed, you did it. And if we all 
perish in some apocalyptic nuclear war, you 
caused it. Good lord, you straight people are taking us to hell in a handcar.

      God has really put up with too much from 
you people. Remember that heterosexual who 
dropped the dime on Jesus? He went over, smooched 
Him, and told the Romans, “Ecce homo” – meaning, 
in ancient Christian, “There’s the homo,” or, 
“How come he’s 33 and not married yet?” Then came 
centuries of ignorance, anti-Semitism, racism, 
slave trading, witch burnings, genocide, and 
extremely lax personal hygiene. Thanks a lot, pals.

      Yet there is still time to upgrade your 
heterosexuality, O reprobates. Somewhere, there 
is a same-sex person for you, waiting to engage 
you in throbbing homo luv. For it is through 
queer sex that God works His magic.

You see, every time two (or more) hot lesbo-babes 
make love, an angel gets her boobs. And every 
time some studly dudes lather up in steamy 
action, there is a slight drop in the local 
murder/suicide rate. In fact, all we need for 
world peace is for gay marriage to be legalized, 
and maybe one or two more amusing TV sit-coms, 
decorated with wacky homosexual and/or transgendered characters!

      Of course, we of Exorcist International 
admit that we too are imperfect. We too have made 
the Baby Jesus colicky. We have stood by in 
liberal complacency while gay men, lesbians, 
transgendered people, bisexuals, and drag queens 
were taunted, humiliated, beaten, ostracized, 
strangled, mutilated, imprisoned, and executed 
all over North and South America, Asia, Europe, 
and Africa. In fact, a gay activist in Uganda was 
just hammered to death after a local newspaper 
ran his name in a list of “homos,” advising 
readers to “hang them.” We confess that it’s 
probably due to our fear of being seen as 
“politically correct thugs” that we queers don’t 
pay you back in kind. For that, we humbly ask God’s forgiveness.

      Still, you need redemption more than we do. 
For it is written that in order to accept Divine 
Love, you must first learn to hate yourselves. 
And surely you can find it in your hearts to do 
that? For us? Now, would each of you please reach 
into your perverted little pockets and send us 
$1,000, so we can take out that ad rebuking you 
on billboards across the country?

                                    © Susie Day, 2011

(Dedicated to David Kato, Ugandan gay right 
activist, beaten to death January 26, 2011)

<http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/28/world/africa/28uganda.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=david%20kato&st=cse>http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/28/world/africa/28uganda.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=david%20kato&st=cse

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/30/weekinreview/30gettleman.html?_r=1&ref=weekinreview

  Exodus International/Ex-Gay Ministries:

<http://gaylife.about.com/od/religion/i/ex_gay.htm>http://gaylife.about.com/od/religion/i/ex_gay.htm

http://exodusinternational.org/

Ex-Gay ads:

<http://www.truthwinsout.org/ex-gay-ads/>http://www.truthwinsout.org/ex-gay-ads/

Queensland Australia floods:

<http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-12149921>http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-12149921

Japan volcano:

<http://nation.foxnews.com/culture/2011/01/28/japan-alert-after-volcanos-biggest-eruption-50-years>http://nation.foxnews.com/culture/2011/01/28/japan-alert-after-volcanos-biggest-eruption-50-years

http://english.ntdtv.com/ntdtv_en/ns_asia/2011-01-29/991105001071.html

Hypothalamus and homosexuality:

<http://allpsych.com/journal/homosexuality.html>http://allpsych.com/journal/homosexuality.html

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415 863-9977

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