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<font size=2>Dear masses -<br><br>
As you probably know, David Kato, a gay Ugandan activist, was killed last
week. One of the factors that brought this about was the influx into
Uganda of a u.s. organization called Exodus International, an ex-gay
ministry that advances the "message of Freedom from homosexuality
through the power of Jesus Christ." So here is this - but please
don't think i don't care about what's happening in Egypt.<br>
luv - sd</font><font size=3> <br><br>
</font><div align="center"><font face="Candara" size=3><b>QUEERER MY GOD,
TO THEE: THE EX-STRAIGHT MINISTRIES<br><br>
</div>
Believe it or not, heterosexuals, God loves you.
And because of His love, God told us to launch a pricey advertizing
blitz, gently rebuking you on billboards and in newspapers across the
country. Unfortunately, we could only afford to rebuke you in this crummy
tabloid-type publication. But we know God will understand. The important
thing is for us to shame you into seeking reparative therapy.<br><br>
Yes, blessed are you, the little straight ones –
in spite of your abominable heterosexual behavior. Blessed are you
straight women, even as you diet and wax your legs and work overtime to
pay for your reconstructive surgery, desperately hoping that no one will
call you old or fat or ugly. Blessed are you straight men, even as you
grunt and make kissy sounds at the shapely butts, waxed legs, and
reconstructed pixie noses of the straight women, desperately hoping that
no one will call you a fag.<br><br>
We believe that you would stop all this sinful
heterosexuality if you knew that it makes the Baby Jesus cry. In fact,
the Baby Jesus cried all over Queensland, Australia. Did you know you
caused massive flooding? And did you know that you prompted the eruption
of a volcano on Mount Kirishima, forcing the Baby Jesus to puke on Japan?
That you are responsible for dread diseases such as mononucleosis,
syphilis, and other “straight plagues”? That your selfish heterosexual
“lifestyle” may be ruining the planet? There’s no telling where the Baby
Jesus will strike next. Shouldn’t you stop before it’s too late?<br><br>
That’s why we of Ex-Straight Ministries founded
Exorcist International: to stop you. You see, God feels that you would be
saved if you allowed us to free you from heterosexuality by destroying
your deepest psychosexual selfhood. But in a nice way. Do you want a
hug?<br><br>
There, wuzza-wuzza. We forgive you. Modern
science knows you can’t help it. You’ve got original sin, but it’s not in
your soul; it’s lying lewdly around in your misshapen, Satan-soaked
hypothalamus gland. God thinks it’s a pity that the so-called men of
science didn’t “fix” you in utero. But then, your parents – no doubt
ignorant heterosexuals themselves – probably didn’t know any
better.<br><br>
According to the latest – heterosexual –
statistics, homosexuals comprise only 1-to-10% of the population. That
leaves 90-to-99% of our globe roiling in the fetid clutches of –
heterosexuals! Continuing our calculations, we deduce that a full
90-to-99% of all drunk drivers, gun-toting psychotics, sub-prime mortgage
financiers, marauding space aliens, fundamentalist suicide bombers, war
criminals, and toxic waste particulates are…heterosexual!<br><br>
Ergo, if anything died, you killed it. If
anything was bombed, you did it. And if we all perish in some apocalyptic
nuclear war, you caused it. Good lord, you straight people are taking us
to hell in a handcar.<br><br>
God has really put up with too much from you
people. Remember that heterosexual who dropped the dime on Jesus? He went
over, smooched Him, and told the Romans, “Ecce homo” – meaning, in
ancient Christian, “There’s the homo,” or, “How come he’s 33 and not
married yet?” Then came centuries of ignorance, anti-Semitism, racism,
slave trading, witch burnings, genocide, and extremely lax personal
hygiene. Thanks a lot, pals.<br><br>
Yet there is still time to upgrade your
heterosexuality, O reprobates. Somewhere, there is a same-sex person for
you, waiting to engage you in throbbing homo luv. For it is through queer
sex that God works His magic.<br><br>
You see, every time two (or more) hot lesbo-babes make love, an angel
gets her boobs. And every time some studly dudes lather up in steamy
action, there is a slight drop in the local murder/suicide rate. In fact,
all we need for world peace is for gay marriage to be legalized, and
maybe one or two more amusing TV sit-coms, decorated with wacky
homosexual and/or transgendered characters!<br><br>
Of course, we of Exorcist International admit
that we too are imperfect. We too have made the Baby Jesus colicky. We
have stood by in liberal complacency while gay men, lesbians,
transgendered people, bisexuals, and drag queens were taunted,
humiliated, beaten, ostracized, strangled, mutilated, imprisoned, and
executed all over North and South America, Asia, Europe, and Africa. In
fact, a gay activist in Uganda was just hammered to death after a local
newspaper ran his name in a list of “homos,” advising readers to “hang
them.” We confess that it’s probably due to our fear of being seen as
“politically correct thugs” that we queers don’t pay you back in kind.
For that, we humbly ask God’s forgiveness.<br><br>
Still, you need redemption more than we do. For
it is written that in order to accept Divine Love, you must first learn
to hate yourselves. And surely you can find it in your hearts to do that?
For us? Now, would each of you please reach into your perverted little
pockets and send us $1,000, so we can take out that ad rebuking you on
billboards across the country?<br><br>
© Susie Day, 201</font><font face="Tahoma" size=3>1<br><br>
</font><font face="Candara" size=3><i>(Dedicated to David Kato, Ugandan
gay right activist, beaten to death January 26, 2011)<br><br>
</i></b></font>
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/28/world/africa/28uganda.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=david%20kato&st=cse">
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/28/world/africa/28uganda.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=david%20kato&st=cse</a>
<br><br>
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/30/weekinreview/30gettleman.html?_r=1&ref=weekinreview" eudora="autourl">
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/30/weekinreview/30gettleman.html?_r=1&ref=weekinreview<br>
<br>
</a> Exodus International/Ex-Gay Ministries:<br><br>
<a href="http://gaylife.about.com/od/religion/i/ex_gay.htm">
http://gaylife.about.com/od/religion/i/ex_gay.htm</a><br><br>
<a href="http://exodusinternational.org/" eudora="autourl">
http://exodusinternational.org/<br><br>
</a>Ex-Gay ads:<br><br>
<a href="http://www.truthwinsout.org/ex-gay-ads/">
http://www.truthwinsout.org/ex-gay-ads/</a><br><br>
Queensland Australia floods:<br><br>
<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-12149921">
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-12149921</a><br><br>
Japan volcano:<br><br>
<i>
<a href="http://nation.foxnews.com/culture/2011/01/28/japan-alert-after-volcanos-biggest-eruption-50-years">
http://nation.foxnews.com/culture/2011/01/28/japan-alert-after-volcanos-biggest-eruption-50-years</a>
<br><br>
<a href="http://english.ntdtv.com/ntdtv_en/ns_asia/2011-01-29/991105001071.html" eudora="autourl">
http://english.ntdtv.com/ntdtv_en/ns_asia/2011-01-29/991105001071.html<br>
<br>
</a></i>Hypothalamus and homosexuality:<br><br>
<a href="http://allpsych.com/journal/homosexuality.html">
http://allpsych.com/journal/homosexuality.html</a><br><br>
<br>
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