[News] Economy Blameless! Number one cause of layoffs: employees
news at freedomarchives.org
Mon May 4 12:47:30 EDT 2009
ECONOMY BLAMELESS! NO. 1 CAUSE OF LAYOFFS: EMPLOYEES!
Washington and Wall Street breathed a sigh
of relief today at news that the economic
downturn is not, in fact, responsible for a
record 5.1 million job losses and an unemployment
rate of 8.5%. According to a report just released
by the Institute for the Advancement of Middle
Management and Human Resource Depletion, a
bipartisan think tank funded by Wal-Mart, it is
the downtrodden nature of employees themselves
that has forced companies to lay them off.
"These are good, solid American companies
that subscribe to the bootstrap model, where each
American is solely responsible for attaining
success beyond his or her wildest dreams," stated
Dr. Lars Lunchbucket, director of the Institute, at a Beltway mixer.
"Obviously, the problem wasn't the
employers," Dr. Lunchbucket continued, "so we
studied the folks they laid off. After deep
scientific analysis, we were able to ascertain
that each and every one of the 6.14 million
Americans now on the unemployment rolls I
believe mathematicians call this 100% had
failed to emulate this model of individual
self-actualization. In layman's terms, they got
dumped because they weren't rich and famous."
Conversely, Dr. Lunchbucket explained, in a
control group of movie stars, Nobel laureates,
fascist dictators, and illustrious dead people
such as Shakespeare and King Tutankhamen, there were absolutely no layoffs!
Treasury secretary Timothy F. Geithner
welcomed the Institute's findings. "I knew that
if we kept throwing unwarranted tax dollars at
rich and famous CEO's, sooner or later they'd
realize our economy can't bear the weight of
millions upon millions of competent, hardworking
Nobodies simply doing their jobs," stated
Geithner. "On the other hand, take someone like
Julia Roberts. She's rich, she's famous, she
really worked for what she has. Especially her
face. That girl could walk into any office or
factory in America and get any job she wants. Did
you see Erin Brockovich? Hell, I'd hire her in a second."
Jasper Phlegm, senior partner at the
heavy-hitting corporate law firm of Shingles,
Arse, Smegma, Merde & Beelzebub LLP, disagrees
about Julia Roberts, preferring the bygone,
halcyon days of Jimmy Stewart. However, Mr.
Phlegm says he feels vindicated by the study.
"We just laid off over 50 of our best
support staff," said Mr. Phlegm. "Why? Because
they pissed away their little lives buying
groceries, driving their kids to cello lessons,
paying the light bills. It's OK to play loveable
losers in the movies. I cried watching It's a
Wonderful Life, for god's sake. But to actually
live like that a Nobody from Nowheresville? Ghastly."
Ironically, the American public, comprised
largely of poor and obscure people who also
believe in rugged, bootstrap individualism,
appears to accept the study's findings. Except
for a few self-avowed "Bolsheviks" who adhere to
a rather arcane theory that the economic system
itself is at fault, Americans have demonstrated a
palpable lack of outrage at the hemorrhaging of
their jobs. Psychologists suggest this response
might indicate that, once individuals comprehend
that they are not, in reality, rich and famous,
they are likely to see themselves as "Nobody."
"I know I screwed up," said Biff
Longshoreman, 32, who recently lost his job as
word processor at Shingles, Arse. "My wife just
gave birth to our third kid, and he needs an
operation, so I was working 12-hour days when I
got downsized. They marched me out of that
building like I'd just been caught embezzling
what a wakeup call. All that time, I could have
been a contender. Instead of a bum. Let's face it, that's what I am."
Dr. Felicity Sack-Boot, eminent
psychologist and author of the bestseller I'm
Rich and Famous, You're Not OK, has argued that
self-hatred may actually play a healthy role in
helping the unemployed adjust to downward mobility.
"In order for the personality to mature
under current societal norms, people today would
be wise to embrace a whole new level of
hopelessness," said Dr. Sack-Boot. "We need to
learn how to crush our self-esteem to the point
where our biggest life goal is to possess the
same basic human rights that are typically
afforded the average multinational corporation."
Dr. Lunchbucket concurs, adding that the
increasingly popular "Nobody" identity seems to
be giving rise to a vibrant "folk" subculture
that is perfecting memes of self-expression, such
as family-style murder-suicides, squatting in
one's own, foreclosed home, and do-it-yourself kidney transplants.
While this may be acceptable behavior for
the unemployed, cautioned Dr. Lunchbucket, people
who still have their jobs should try to remain
"upbeat" and develop psychological defense
mechanisms that prevent depressive "bonding" with the jobless.
"When these people moan and sigh about how
they've wasted their lives," Dr. Lunchbucket
advised, "It's important to put their agony in
the proper perspective. You need to step up and
tell them: 'It's capitalism, stupid you're
supposed to waste your life.' Then turn away and
start visualizing yourself as really, really rich and famous."
© Susie Day, 2009
# # #
Baltimore Sun: 5.1 million jobs lost; 8.5% unemployment rate:
Reuters: mass layoffs highest on record; 6.14 million unemployment claims:
U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics:
Corporations with human rights: Joel Bakan, The
Corporation, (Simon & Schuster, 2005) p. 16:
522 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110
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