<html>
<body>
<div align="center"><font size=3><b>ECONOMY BLAMELESS! NO. 1 CAUSE OF
LAYOFFS: EMPLOYEES!<br><br>
</div>
Washington and Wall Street breathed a sigh of
relief today at news that the economic downturn is not, in fact,
responsible for a record 5.1 million job losses and an unemployment rate
of 8.5%. According to a report just released by the Institute for the
Advancement of Middle Management and Human Resource Depletion, a
bipartisan think tank funded by Wal-Mart, it is the downtrodden nature of
employees themselves that has forced companies to lay them off. <br><br>
"These are good, solid American companies
that subscribe to the bootstrap model, where each American is solely
responsible for attaining success beyond his or her wildest dreams,"
stated Dr. Lars Lunchbucket, director of the Institute, at a Beltway
mixer. <br><br>
"Obviously, the problem wasn't the
employers," Dr. Lunchbucket continued, "so we studied the folks
they laid off. After deep scientific analysis, we were able to ascertain
that each and every one of the 6.14 million Americans now on the
unemployment rolls – I believe mathematicians call this 100% – had failed
to emulate this model of individual self-actualization. In layman's
terms, they got dumped because they weren't rich and
famous."<br><br>
Conversely, Dr. Lunchbucket explained, in a
control group of movie stars, Nobel laureates, fascist dictators, and
illustrious dead people such as Shakespeare and King Tutankhamen, there
were absolutely no layoffs! <br><br>
Treasury secretary Timothy F. Geithner welcomed
the Institute's findings. "I knew that if we kept throwing
unwarranted tax dollars at rich and famous CEO's, sooner or later they'd
realize our economy can't bear the weight of millions upon millions of
competent, hardworking Nobodies simply doing their jobs," stated
Geithner. "On the other hand, take someone like Julia Roberts. She's
rich, she's famous, she really worked for what she has. Especially her
face. That girl could walk into any office or factory in America and get
any job she wants. Did you see Erin Brockovich? Hell, I'd hire her in a
second."<br><br>
Jasper Phlegm, senior partner at the
heavy-hitting corporate law firm of Shingles, Arse, Smegma, Merde &
Beelzebub LLP, disagrees about Julia Roberts, preferring the bygone,
halcyon days of Jimmy Stewart. However, Mr. Phlegm says he feels
vindicated by the study. <br><br>
"We just laid off over 50 of our best
support staff," said Mr. Phlegm. "Why? Because they pissed away
their little lives buying groceries, driving their kids to cello lessons,
paying the light bills. It's OK to play loveable losers in the movies. I
cried watching It's a Wonderful Life, for god's sake. But to actually
live like that – a Nobody from Nowheresville? Ghastly."<br><br>
Ironically, the American public, comprised
largely of poor and obscure people who also believe in rugged, bootstrap
individualism, appears to accept the study's findings. Except for a few
self-avowed "Bolsheviks" who adhere to a rather arcane theory
that the economic system itself is at fault, Americans have demonstrated
a palpable lack of outrage at the hemorrhaging of their jobs.
Psychologists suggest this response might indicate that, once individuals
comprehend that they are not, in reality, rich and famous, they are
likely to see themselves as "Nobody."<br><br>
"I know I screwed up," said Biff
Longshoreman, 32, who recently lost his job as word processor at
Shingles, Arse. "My wife just gave birth to our third kid, and he
needs an operation, so I was working 12-hour days when I got downsized.
They marched me out of that building like I'd just been caught embezzling
– what a wakeup call. All that time, I could have been a contender.
Instead of a bum. Let's face it, that's what I am."<br><br>
Dr. Felicity Sack-Boot, eminent psychologist and
author of the bestseller I'm Rich and Famous, You're Not OK, has argued
that self-hatred may actually play a healthy role in helping the
unemployed adjust to downward mobility. <br><br>
"In order for the personality to mature
under current societal norms, people today would be wise to embrace a
whole new level of hopelessness," said Dr. Sack-Boot. "We need
to learn how to crush our self-esteem to the point where our biggest life
goal is to possess the same basic human rights that are typically
afforded the average multinational corporation."<br><br>
Dr. Lunchbucket concurs, adding that the
increasingly popular "Nobody" identity seems to be giving rise
to a vibrant "folk" subculture that is perfecting memes of
self-expression, such as family-style murder-suicides, squatting in one's
own, foreclosed home, and do-it-yourself kidney transplants. <br><br>
While this may be acceptable behavior for the
unemployed, cautioned Dr. Lunchbucket, people who still have their jobs
should try to remain "upbeat" and develop psychological defense
mechanisms that prevent depressive "bonding" with the
jobless.<br><br>
"When these people moan and sigh about how
they've wasted their lives," Dr. Lunchbucket advised, "It's
important to put their agony in the proper perspective. You need to step
up and tell them: 'It's capitalism, stupid – you're supposed to waste
your life.' Then turn away and start visualizing yourself as really,
really rich and famous."<br><br>
<br><br>
© Susie Day, 2009<br><br>
</b><div align="center"># # #<br><br>
</div>
Baltimore Sun: 5.1 million jobs lost; 8.5% unemployment rate:<br><br>
<a href="http://www.baltimoresun.com/business/bal-jobless-claims0416,0,7168784.story">
http://www.baltimoresun.com/business/bal-jobless-claims0416,0,7168784.story</a>
<br><br>
Reuters: mass layoffs highest on record; 6.14 million unemployment
claims:<br><br>
<a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090423/ts_nm/us_usa_jobs_masslayoffs">
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090423/ts_nm/us_usa_jobs_masslayoffs</a><br>
<br>
U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics:<br><br>
<a href="http://www.bls.gov/mls/">http://www.bls.gov/mls/</a><br><br>
<a href="http://www.bls.gov/news.release/mmls.nr0.htm" eudora="autourl">
http://www.bls.gov/news.release/mmls.nr0.htm<br><br>
</a>Corporations with human rights: Joel Bakan, The Corporation, (Simon
& Schuster, 2005) p. 16:<br><br>
<a href="http://books.google.com/books?id=d3SOCcz2VQ8C&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+corporation#PPA16,M1">
http://books.google.com/books?id=d3SOCcz2VQ8C&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+corporation#PPA16,M1</a>
<br><br>
<br>
</font><x-sigsep><p></x-sigsep>
<font size=3 color="#FF0000">Freedom Archives<br>
522 Valencia Street<br>
San Francisco, CA 94110<br><br>
</font><font size=3 color="#008000">415 863-9977<br><br>
</font><font size=3 color="#0000FF">
<a href="http://www.freedomarchives.org/" eudora="autourl">
www.Freedomarchives.org</a></font><font size=3> </font></body>
</html>