[News] Obama Picks Bill Ayers as Secretary of Defense

[Anti-Imperialist News]

OBAMA PICKS BILL AYERS AS SECRETARY OF DEFENSE!

(PU) Barak Hussein Obama, newly elected President of the
People's Republic of America, today announced his choice of William
Ayers, a former leader of the 70s militant antiwar group, the Weather
Underground, for U.S. Secretary of Defense. The appointment allays
concerns of many peace movement progressives who had feared that
Defense Secretary Robert Gates, overseer of the military surge in
Iraq, would be asked to stay on.

"Man, oh, man ­ socialism has finally come to America!"  sobbed
Mr. Ayers, when reached by telephone. "I've waited so long ­ now
I'll show them who's washed up!"

Mr. Ayers was referring to attacks by John McCain's
presidential campaign, which alleged that Barak Obama harbored some
sort of nefarious, anti-American ties to the 63-year-old Ayers, whose
organization in the 1970s bombed government sites and staged
confrontational rallies to stop America's war in Vietnam. As Mr.
McCain became more desperate for support, his insinuations of an
Ayers conspiracy became increasingly common. The final presidential
debate contains a McCain reference to Mr. Ayers as a "washed-up
terrorist."

Bill Ayers is, in fact, an elementary education theorist who
has spent his last few decades above ground, infiltrating the
University of Illinois at Chicago as a Distinguished Professor of
Education and Senior University Scholar. In 1997, he won Chicago's
Citizen of the Year award for his work on a public school reform
project. Today, he says his past activism would make him the perfect
advisor to the President in matters of "armed struggle."

History, however, may prove that some Republican suspicions
were correct. Bursting with post-election glee, Mr. Ayers revealed
that he has indeed been advising Barak Obama all along, even in such
matters as his election night appearance. "Who do you think told
Michelle to dress the whole family in red and black?" asked Mr.
Ayers. "Way to subliminally convey our radical egalitarian,
anarcho- communist values!"

Mr. Ayers says he looks forward to implementing
further "right-on" changes.

"Comrade Obama and I share a common dream," continued Mr.
Ayers. "We agree the only way to achieve true human dignity and
justice is by securing the United States as an iron-fisted, free-love
liberated zone. To that end, I shall recommend starting our
administration off with a series of small property bombings ­ of  our
own military-industrial complex."

      Such a project would, according to Mr. Ayers, effectively end
the U.S. occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan and prevent further
encroachments into Pakistan. "First, we bring the boys and girls
home," explained Mr. Ayers. "Then we order them to blow up Lockheed
Martin, Blackwater, Raytheon, AIG ­ all the major military
contractors and implicated multinationals. Finally, we get them to
organize the masses so that, together, we turn these corporate/military
installations into daycare centers, food coops, legal
clinics. Whoa, let's not forget the Capitol Building ­ that  would
make a great birthing center."

Ever "unrepentant," Mr. Ayers added, "I feel we can't do enough."

President George W. Bush and Vice President Richard B. Cheney
have not returned phone calls for several days. Anonymous sources
close to the President-elect say that Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney are
among several officials from the outgoing administration who are
being held incommunicado at socialist labor camps, newly constructed
for "the real washed-up terrorists."

Experts are unable to predict how long it will take to
accomplish the "People's liberation" of the U.S. defense
infrastructure. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell, who may well
be positioning himself for a role in the new administration,
cheerfully conjectured: "We could be in this for years."

Reached by email, past presidential contender Hillary Rodham
Clinton, who denies rumors of her own ambitions for an Obama Cabinet
post, nevertheless supported the Ayers appointment. "Let's remember
that Barak Obama is the first African-American to be elected
President," wrote Ms. Clinton, whose current Senate webpage photo
shows her sporting an attractive blue headband with matching fringed
poncho. "No way is Barak going to play the Establishment game and
pull the same imperialist crap ­ that would be so lame. Peace  Out. ;)"

Everyone in the so-called "red" states who voted for McCain was
unavailable for comment. However, the rest of America appears
audacious enough to hope for real change.

"I want to be able to tell my kids that everybody's equal, war
is bad, and the Earth should be saved ­ without them thinking  I'm
some whacked-out, post-hippie depressive," said Minerva Blaustein,
58, kindergarten teacher in Astoria, Queens. "I need to know that
things are getting better."

Nineteen-year-old Ricky Sandoval of Brooklyn agrees. "Baby, I
could enlist, get my degree, and still be able to stay home and
protect my country from its own war economy," said Sandoval.
"Because, now that Obama's won, the LAST thing this country would do
is forget about the deaths we've already caused and send more troops
to the Middle East ­ right? The last thing?"

Details at 11:00. On the Weather channel.



© Susie Day, 2008



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