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OBAMA PICKS BILL AYERS AS SECRETARY OF DEFENSE!<br><br>
(PU) Barak Hussein Obama, newly elected President of the <br>
People's Republic of America, today announced his choice of William
<br>
Ayers, a former leader of the 70s militant antiwar group, the
Weather <br>
Underground, for U.S. Secretary of Defense. The appointment allays
<br>
concerns of many peace movement progressives who had feared that
<br>
Defense Secretary Robert Gates, overseer of the military surge in
<br>
Iraq, would be asked to stay on.<br><br>
"Man, oh, man socialism has finally come to America!"
sobbed <br>
Mr. Ayers, when reached by telephone. "I've waited so long
now <br>
I'll show them who's washed up!"<br><br>
Mr. Ayers was referring to attacks by John McCain's <br>
presidential campaign, which alleged that Barak Obama harbored some
<br>
sort of nefarious, anti-American ties to the 63-year-old Ayers,
whose <br>
organization in the 1970s bombed government sites and staged <br>
confrontational rallies to stop America's war in Vietnam. As Mr.
<br>
McCain became more desperate for support, his insinuations of an
<br>
Ayers conspiracy became increasingly common. The final presidential
<br>
debate contains a McCain reference to Mr. Ayers as a
"washed-up <br>
terrorist."<br><br>
Bill Ayers is, in fact, an elementary education theorist who <br>
has spent his last few decades above ground, infiltrating the <br>
University of Illinois at Chicago as a Distinguished Professor of
<br>
Education and Senior University Scholar. In 1997, he won Chicago's
<br>
Citizen of the Year award for his work on a public school reform
<br>
project. Today, he says his past activism would make him the
perfect <br>
advisor to the President in matters of "armed
struggle."<br><br>
History, however, may prove that some Republican suspicions <br>
were correct. Bursting with post-election glee, Mr. Ayers revealed
<br>
that he has indeed been advising Barak Obama all along, even in
such <br>
matters as his election night appearance. "Who do you think
told <br>
Michelle to dress the whole family in red and black?" asked
Mr. <br>
Ayers. "Way to subliminally convey our radical egalitarian, <br>
anarcho- communist values!" <br><br>
Mr. Ayers says he looks forward to implementing <br>
further "right-on" changes.<br><br>
"Comrade Obama and I share a common dream," continued Mr.
<br>
Ayers. "We agree the only way to achieve true human dignity
and <br>
justice is by securing the United States as an iron-fisted,
free-love <br>
liberated zone. To that end, I shall recommend starting our <br>
administration off with a series of small property bombings of
our <br>
own military-industrial complex."<br><br>
Such a project would, according to Mr. Ayers,
effectively end <br>
the U.S. occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan and prevent further
<br>
encroachments into Pakistan. "First, we bring the boys and
girls <br>
home," explained Mr. Ayers. "Then we order them to blow up
Lockheed <br>
Martin, Blackwater, Raytheon, AIG all the major military <br>
contractors and implicated multinationals. Finally, we get them to
<br>
organize the masses so that, together, we turn these corporate/military
<br>
installations into daycare centers, food coops, legal <br>
clinics. Whoa, let's not forget the Capitol Building that
would <br>
make a great birthing center."<br><br>
Ever "unrepentant," Mr. Ayers added, "I feel we can't do
enough."<br><br>
President George W. Bush and Vice President Richard B. Cheney <br>
have not returned phone calls for several days. Anonymous sources
<br>
close to the President-elect say that Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney are
<br>
among several officials from the outgoing administration who are
<br>
being held incommunicado at socialist labor camps, newly
constructed <br>
for "the real washed-up terrorists."<br><br>
Experts are unable to predict how long it will take to <br>
accomplish the "People's liberation" of the U.S. defense
<br>
infrastructure. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell, who may
well <br>
be positioning himself for a role in the new administration, <br>
cheerfully conjectured: "We could be in this for
years."<br><br>
Reached by email, past presidential contender Hillary Rodham <br>
Clinton, who denies rumors of her own ambitions for an Obama
Cabinet <br>
post, nevertheless supported the Ayers appointment. "Let's
remember <br>
that Barak Obama is the first African-American to be elected <br>
President," wrote Ms. Clinton, whose current Senate webpage
photo <br>
shows her sporting an attractive blue headband with matching
fringed <br>
poncho. "No way is Barak going to play the Establishment game
and <br>
pull the same imperialist crap that would be so lame. Peace Out.
;)"<br><br>
Everyone in the so-called "red" states who voted for McCain
was <br>
unavailable for comment. However, the rest of America appears <br>
audacious enough to hope for real change.<br><br>
"I want to be able to tell my kids that everybody's equal, war
<br>
is bad, and the Earth should be saved without them thinking
I'm <br>
some whacked-out, post-hippie depressive," said Minerva
Blaustein, <br>
58, kindergarten teacher in Astoria, Queens. "I need to know
that <br>
things are getting better."<br><br>
Nineteen-year-old Ricky Sandoval of Brooklyn agrees. "Baby, I
<br>
could enlist, get my degree, and still be able to stay home and
<br>
protect my country from its own war economy," said Sandoval.
<br>
"Because, now that Obama's won, the LAST thing this country would
do <br>
is forget about the deaths we've already caused and send more
troops <br>
to the Middle East right? The last thing?"<br><br>
Details at 11:00. On the Weather channel.<br><br>
<br><br>
© Susie Day, 2008<br><br>
<br>
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