[News] Honey, I Shrank the Military (Or, Who Put the "Pet" in "Petraeus"?)

[Anti-Imperialist News]

<http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/day210907.html>http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/day210907.html

Honey, I Shrank the Military (Or, Who Put the "Pet" in "Petraeus"?)
by Susie Day

Congratulations, peace-lover!  You have just purchased your first 
three-inch-high Top U.S. Military Commander!
These little Commanders make delightful pets -- provided they are no 
more than three inches tall.  Otherwise, these unruly pests can 
attack sovereign countries, overrun entire populations, and get hold 
of fissionable material, possibly blowing up the world.

We don't think it's good science to fight global warming with nuclear 
winter.  That is why we at 
<http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/roll_call_vote_cfm.cfm?congress=110&session=1&vote=00344>MoveOnYouMurderousThugs.org 
have given up our email petitions and phone-in campaigns, and are 
working with expert gene-splicers to save the earth, using 
state-of-the-art cuteness.  Our motto: "If Ya Can't Beat 'Em, Shrink 
'Em and Sell 'Em as Pets!"

It's fun and relaxing to observe the pugilistic antics of these tiny 
creatures, as they scream for help inside a glass jar with holes 
punched in the lid.  And so healthy, too!  Seeing your Commander 
finally out of the Middle East and under your control releases vital 
antioxidants into your bloodstream.

You'll look better, feel better, as you realize that you are no 
longer forced to stand helplessly by and watch the genocide of yet 
another non-Christian people.  So enjoy your wee warmonger, and look 
for our line of tiny, bio-engineered Congresspeople, military 
contractors, and Executive Branch higher-ups -- coming soon to pet 
shops near you!

GETTING ACQUAINTED

When you arrive home, your pet will probably be all tuckered out from 
"ordering" you to let it go.  Place it gently inside its cage and 
allow it to rest in total isolation for a few days.  Give it a few 
drops of water and lots of Drano in its treat cup.  Be sure and leave 
paper on the bottom of its cage.  Shredded copies of the Patriot Act will do.

TAMING YOUR PET

There is a popular myth that three-inch U.S. Military Commanders are 
difficult to tame -- nothing could be further from the truth!  Moving 
slowly and quietly, so as not to startle your pet, reach into its 
cage and attempt to stroke its medals.  Chances are your Commander 
will snap at you with hurtful epithets such as: "Unhand me, faggot," 
or "Bitch, you can forget all about that troop reduction timetable."

It is time to discipline your pet.  Grasping its torso firmly between 
the thumb and forefinger of your left hand, bring the little fellow 
out of its cage.  Now, slowly and gently crush its tiny head with the 
thumb of your right hand.  Uh-oh -- too hard!  Bring out the 
electrical tape and bandage your pet, then hook it up to healing 
electrodes.  Explain to it that thousands of American and Coalition 
troops are trying to get well in situations far worse than 
this.  Repeat discipline as necessary.

FUN WITH YOUR PET

Now you are ready to accessorize.  Buy a colorful plastic 
<http://www.animalinstinct.co.uk/acatalog/Pets_Products_Hamster_Cages_Habitrail_Playground_27.html>Habitrail 
and watch your Pentagon play-toy frolic, just like a real 
hamster.  Then there's the popular "Gitmo" terrarium, which offers a 
motivating environment in which your pet can endure life-changing 
encounters with tough GI-Joe guards.

Some owners get the most out of their action figures by putting their 
pets to work, making them run on little wheels that provide "green" 
power for cars and lawn mowers.  Other owners have trained their 
charges to perform tricks, such as standing for hours on coffee 
tables, holding amusing wires in their outstretched paws.  Still 
others have lent their Commanders to kids for science projects!  The 
little guys are so cute, trying to figure out which lever releases 
the pellet and which delivers the electric shock.

At the end of a hard day's work, turn on your kitchen blender, so 
your pet can relax in a stimulating whirlpool bath.  Microwave dry.

ESCAPE!

Always return your pet to its cage and secure the door tightly when 
you are finished playing.  And make sure the cage is made of 
reinforced steel.  Top U.S. Military Commanders have been known to 
gnaw through bars of lesser metal and get lost for weeks inside 
attics, basements, and old Frigidaires.  Nothing is more repulsive 
than seeing the wheezing head of some tiny war criminal pop out from 
your radiator, its tongue all blackened and dangling.  They really 
make a mess, too, if you step on them.

Caution: Escapees can be dangerous.  One pet Commander ran away from 
its home in Mission Hills, Kansas.  It showed up a week later, 
dressed in a tasteless Storm Trooper costume, and tried to murder 
everyone with a cheese grater.

DISPOSAL

Ridiculous urban legends abound of people who, tired of their tiny 
Commanders, flushed them down the toilet, where their pets grew into 
gigantic reptiles, returned through the plumbing, and bit off their 
owners' genitalia.  HA HA!

These stories are absolutely true.  If your pet has lost its cachet, 
please do not flush.  Neither should you donate it to live bait 
shops, as this could introduce harmful toxins into our lakes and streams.

The most ecological thing to do is to return your pet to our 
laboratories.  There, we will take your Top U.S. Military Commander 
down to our storage room, place it in a vault containing 655,000 
photos of the Iraqi dead, turn out the lights, close the door -- and leave.

(c)  Susie Day, 2007



Freedom Archives
522 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110

415 863-9977

www.Freedomarchives.org  
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://freedomarchives.org/pipermail/news_freedomarchives.org/attachments/20070926/2796bc70/attachment.htm>