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<a href="http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/day210907.html">
http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/day210907.html</a><br><br>
</font><font face="Arial, Helvetica" size=5 color="#BF4741">Honey, I
Shrank the Military (Or, Who Put the "Pet" in
"Petraeus"?)<br>
</font><font face="Arial, Helvetica" size=5 color="#4D604C">by Susie
Day<br><br>
</font><font face="Times New Roman, Times" size=5 color="#2F3238">
Congratulations, peace-lover! You have just purchased your first
three-inch-high Top U.S. Military Commander!<br>
These little Commanders make delightful pets -- provided they are no more
than three inches tall. Otherwise, these unruly pests can attack
sovereign countries, overrun entire populations, and get hold of
fissionable material, possibly blowing up the world.<br><br>
We don't think it's good science to fight global warming with nuclear
winter. That is why we at
</font>
<a href="http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/roll_call_vote_cfm.cfm?congress=110&session=1&vote=00344">
<font face="Times New Roman, Times" size=5 color="#205753"><b>
MoveOnYouMurderousThugs.org</a></b></font>
<font face="Times New Roman, Times" size=5 color="#2F3238"> have given up
our email petitions and phone-in campaigns, and are working with expert
gene-splicers to save the earth, using state-of-the-art cuteness.
Our motto: "If Ya Can't Beat 'Em, Shrink 'Em and Sell 'Em as
Pets!"<br><br>
It's fun and relaxing to observe the pugilistic antics of these tiny
creatures, as they scream for help inside a glass jar with holes punched
in the lid. And so healthy, too! Seeing your Commander
finally out of the Middle East and under your control releases vital
antioxidants into your bloodstream.<br><br>
You'll look better, feel better, as you realize that you are no longer
forced to stand helplessly by and watch the genocide of yet another
non-Christian people. So enjoy your wee warmonger, and look for our
line of tiny, bio-engineered Congresspeople, military contractors, and
Executive Branch higher-ups -- coming soon to pet shops near
you!<br><br>
<b>GETTING ACQUAINTED<br><br>
</b>When you arrive home, your pet will probably be all tuckered out from
"ordering" you to let it go. Place it gently inside its
cage and allow it to rest in total isolation for a few days. Give
it a few drops of water and lots of Drano in its treat cup. Be sure
and leave paper on the bottom of its cage. Shredded copies of the
Patriot Act will do.<br><br>
<b>TAMING YOUR PET<br><br>
</b>There is a popular myth that three-inch U.S. Military Commanders are
difficult to tame -- nothing could be further from the truth!
Moving slowly and quietly, so as not to startle your pet, reach into its
cage and attempt to stroke its medals. Chances are your Commander
will snap at you with hurtful epithets such as: "Unhand me,
faggot," or "Bitch, you can forget all about that troop
reduction timetable."<br><br>
It is time to discipline your pet. Grasping its torso firmly
between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand, bring the little
fellow out of its cage. Now, slowly and gently crush its tiny head
with the thumb of your right hand. Uh-oh -- too hard! Bring
out the electrical tape and bandage your pet, then hook it up to healing
electrodes. Explain to it that thousands of American and Coalition
troops are trying to get well in situations far worse than this.
Repeat discipline as necessary.<br><br>
<b>FUN WITH YOUR PET<br><br>
</b>Now you are ready to accessorize. Buy a colorful plastic
</font>
<a href="http://www.animalinstinct.co.uk/acatalog/Pets_Products_Hamster_Cages_Habitrail_Playground_27.html">
<font face="Times New Roman, Times" size=5 color="#205753"><b>
Habitrail</a></b></font>
<font face="Times New Roman, Times" size=5 color="#2F3238"> and watch
your Pentagon play-toy frolic, just like a real hamster. Then
there's the popular "Gitmo" terrarium, which offers a
motivating environment in which your pet can endure life-changing
encounters with tough GI-Joe guards.<br><br>
Some owners get the most out of their action figures by putting their
pets to work, making them run on little wheels that provide
"green" power for cars and lawn mowers. Other owners have
trained their charges to perform tricks, such as standing for hours on
coffee tables, holding amusing wires in their outstretched paws.
Still others have lent their Commanders to kids for science
projects! The little guys are so cute, trying to figure out which
lever releases the pellet and which delivers the electric shock.<br><br>
At the end of a hard day's work, turn on your kitchen blender, so your
pet can relax in a stimulating whirlpool bath. Microwave
dry.<br><br>
<b>ESCAPE!<br><br>
</b>Always return your pet to its cage and secure the door tightly when
you are finished playing. And make sure the cage is made of
reinforced steel. Top U.S. Military Commanders have been known to
gnaw through bars of lesser metal and get lost for weeks inside attics,
basements, and old Frigidaires. Nothing is more repulsive than
seeing the wheezing head of some tiny war criminal pop out from your
radiator, its tongue all blackened and dangling. They really make a
mess, too, if you step on them.<br><br>
Caution: Escapees can be dangerous. One pet Commander ran away from
its home in Mission Hills, Kansas. It showed up a week later,
dressed in a tasteless Storm Trooper costume, and tried to murder
everyone with a cheese grater.<br><br>
<b>DISPOSAL<br><br>
</b>Ridiculous urban legends abound of people who, tired of their tiny
Commanders, flushed them down the toilet, where their pets grew into
gigantic reptiles, returned through the plumbing, and bit off their
owners' genitalia. HA HA!<br><br>
These stories are absolutely true. If your pet has lost its cachet,
please do not flush. Neither should you donate it to live bait
shops, as this could introduce harmful toxins into our lakes and
streams.<br><br>
The most ecological thing to do is to return your pet to our
laboratories. There, we will take your Top U.S. Military Commander
down to our storage room, place it in a vault containing 655,000 photos
of the Iraqi dead, turn out the lights, close the door -- and
leave.<br><br>
(c) Susie Day, 2007<br><br>
<br>
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