[News] 2006: The Year in Horrorscopes

[Anti-Imperialist News]

2006: THE YEAR IN HORRORSCOPES

      The world scoffed in 1988 when it 
discovered that Nancy and Ronald Reagan consulted 
an astrologer. But the world was wrong; Ronnie 
and Mommie needed all the help they could get. 
Their only mistake was in relying on the tacky, 
low-class zodiac of the masses. I have therefore 
upgraded Western astrology, in keeping with the 
exalted needs of the hedonistically rich and 
irresponsibly powerful. A few examples ring in the New Year.

GEORGE W. BUSH - THE SPATULA
      Born under the sign of the Spatula, you 
have an innate smoothness and flexibility that 
encourages others to use you as a major tool, 
especially on Teflon-coated surfaces. You are 
friendly and outgoing, and enjoy making fun of 
people who are about to be executed.

      Tapped for success early in life, you are 
loyal to those who have helped you, overlooking 
their personal peccadilloes and occupational 
blunders that lead to the occasional terrorist 
attack. Although you are slow to take action in a 
crisis - possibly because of your need to prove 
to school children that you are capable of 
reading at their elementary grade level - you are 
relentless, once given a battle plan. You never 
retreat, no matter how much worse you make things!

      The New Year begins with relative calm, but 
by March, you could face some difficult moments, 
as Pluto backs out of the House of Disney to 
spend several years in your Doghouse. Criticism 
comes now from those close to home, but your Moon 
in Hyperbole allows you to laugh at death and 
disaster - reminding us that more sociopaths are 
born under Spatula than any other sign. This is 
definitely a year to watch your back - especially 
during public appearances, when those unseemly 
electronic bulges in your jacket could hint that 
your phraseology depends a little too much on Carl Rove and Radio Shack.

      Other Spatulans of note include Howdy 
Doody, Lynndie England, Caligula, and the Ebola 
Virus. You are compatible with the Cheese Grater 
and the Frigidaire; your opposite is Noam Chomsky. Gem: gravel.

DICK CHENEY - THE CHEESE GRATER
      Happy New Year, Cheese Graterian! 
Commonplace in appearance, yet painful when 
applied to soft tissues, you Cheese Graters are 
the empire builders of the zodiac! Because your 
element is Oil, your actions may at times appear 
a bit crude, resulting in harmful, gaseous 
emissions. Nevertheless, with your intelligence 
and capacity for hard work, you are destined to 
succeed beyond your wildest dreams - provided you 
can transcend your growing reputation as "War Criminal."

      Never one to play by the "rules," you are, 
however, extremely thoughtful and enjoy helping 
people, especially those with whom you share 
lucrative business contracts. Concerning the home 
and hearth, you are a devoted spouse and proud of 
your family, although you prefer to keep your 
lesbian daughter and her girlfriend under wraps, to avoid embarrassment.

      You are surprisingly broad-minded, however, 
in matters of international affairs, opening new 
vistas in the field of human and legal rights 
deprivation. Always thinking of others, you go 
out of your way to lobby for "cruel, inhuman and 
degrading" treatment of prisoners, as you gain 
world renown for proudly upholding the "vice" in "Vice President."

      For the next 12 months, Jupiter forms a 
T-square with the capitalist planet, Halliburton, 
and the anti-capitalist planet, Marx. You may, 
therefore, need to step out from behind the 
scenes, where you are most comfortable, to face 
thorny issues in a public way. More and more 
people are talking, Cheese Grater - about YOU! 
Are you, in fact, as former CIA director 
Stansfield Turner alleged, the "vice president 
for torture" - or do you simply enjoy inflicting 
physical pain on Muslim captives in a privatized, civilian capacity?

      Your fellow Cheese Graters include: Joan 
Crawford, Genghis Kahn, and Dracula. Compatible 
with the Spatula and the Meat Locker, your 
opposite is Mohandas Gandhi. Gem: Depleted Uranium.

REVEREND PAT ROBERTSON - THE DRANO CAN
      Humble, yet highly noxious, you are at home 
under the sink or simply hanging out around raw 
sewage. Roaches, rats, and other satanic 
creatures are comfortable in your presence, as 
you, with your ominous predictions of hellfire 
and apocalypse, remind them of the kind of Earth 
that they, as The Meek, are likely to inherit.

      This year promises big changes for those 
born under the powerful sign of Drano. Things 
have been a bit dull for you lately, but with the 
seductive planet Venus moving into your House of 
Ill-Repute, your love life could finally take 
off! Someone wonderful may enter your life this 
year - make that {several} someones - who could turn your world upside down!

      Charismatic by nature, you have always 
attracted people from America's corn-fed 
heartland. This year, however, some of their 
menfolk attract {you}, so get your mind out of 
the sewer and head for the barn, where you're 
sure to engage in lots of corn-fed, corn-holing fun! Yee-haw!

      Anything could happen, even 
 wedding 
bellss? Several of your planets align this year 
in what is called a "Grand Cross." This signifies 
that Jesus will return to earth sometime around 
late November in a fearsome cloud of fire and 
blood, causing you to rend your garment and rip 
off your eyelids, as you, true to form, expect 
the worst. However, in a redemptive gesture so 
like Jesus, you will be given the Divine 
Authority to perform gay marriages, plus two free 
tickets to {Brokeback Mountain}! Accept these 
gifts, and learn the meaning of true Salvation.

      Drano Cans of history include: Rasputin, 
Elmer Gantry, and Beelzebub. Your opposite is God. Gem: Brimstone.

                                    ©  Susie Day, 2006
Suzetski at aol.com


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