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</font><font face="Courier, Courier" size=2><b>2006: THE YEAR IN
HORRORSCOPES<br><br>
</b> The world scoffed in 1988 when it discovered
that Nancy and Ronald Reagan consulted an astrologer. But the world was
wrong; Ronnie and Mommie needed all the help they could get. Their only
mistake was in relying on the tacky, low-class zodiac of the masses. I
have therefore upgraded Western astrology, in keeping with the exalted
needs of the hedonistically rich and irresponsibly powerful. A few
examples ring in the New Year.<br><br>
<b>GEORGE W. BUSH - THE SPATULA<br>
</b> Born under the sign of the Spatula, you have
an innate smoothness and flexibility that encourages others to use you as
a major tool, especially on Teflon-coated surfaces. You are friendly and
outgoing, and enjoy making fun of people who are about to be executed.
<br><br>
Tapped for success early in life, you are loyal
to those who have helped you, overlooking their personal peccadilloes and
occupational blunders that lead to the occasional terrorist attack.
Although you are slow to take action in a crisis - possibly because of
your need to prove to school children that you are capable of reading at
their elementary grade level - you are relentless, once given a battle
plan. You never retreat, no matter how much worse you make things!
<br><br>
The New Year begins with relative calm, but by
March, you could face some difficult moments, as Pluto backs out of the
House of Disney to spend several years in your Doghouse. Criticism comes
now from those close to home, but your Moon in Hyperbole allows you to
laugh at death and disaster - reminding us that more sociopaths are born
under Spatula than any other sign. This is definitely a year to watch
your back - especially during public appearances, when those unseemly
electronic bulges in your jacket could hint that your phraseology depends
a little too much on Carl Rove and Radio Shack.<br><br>
Other Spatulans of note include Howdy Doody,
Lynndie England, Caligula, and the Ebola Virus. You are compatible with
the Cheese Grater and the Frigidaire; your opposite is Noam Chomsky. Gem:
gravel. <br><br>
<b>DICK CHENEY - THE CHEESE GRATER<br>
</b> Happy New Year, Cheese Graterian!
Commonplace in appearance, yet painful when applied to soft tissues, you
Cheese Graters are the empire builders of the zodiac! Because your
element is Oil, your actions may at times appear a bit crude, resulting
in harmful, gaseous emissions. Nevertheless, with your intelligence and
capacity for hard work, you are destined to succeed beyond your wildest
dreams - provided you can transcend your growing reputation as "War
Criminal."<br><br>
Never one to play by the "rules," you
are, however, extremely thoughtful and enjoy helping people, especially
those with whom you share lucrative business contracts. Concerning the
home and hearth, you are a devoted spouse and proud of your family,
although you prefer to keep your lesbian daughter and her girlfriend
under wraps, to avoid embarrassment. <br><br>
You are surprisingly broad-minded, however, in
matters of international affairs, opening new vistas in the field of
human and legal rights deprivation. Always thinking of others, you go out
of your way to lobby for "cruel, inhuman and degrading"
treatment of prisoners, as you gain world renown for proudly upholding
the "vice" in "Vice President."<br><br>
For the next 12 months, Jupiter forms a T-square
with the capitalist planet, Halliburton, and the anti-capitalist planet,
Marx. You may, therefore, need to step out from behind the scenes, where
you are most comfortable, to face thorny issues in a public way. More and
more people are talking, Cheese Grater - about YOU! Are you, in fact, as
former CIA director Stansfield Turner alleged, the "vice president
for torture" - or do you simply enjoy inflicting physical pain on
Muslim captives in a privatized, civilian capacity?<br><br>
Your fellow Cheese Graters include: Joan
Crawford, Genghis Kahn, and Dracula. Compatible with the Spatula and the
Meat Locker, your opposite is Mohandas Gandhi. Gem: Depleted Uranium.
<br><br>
<b>REVEREND PAT ROBERTSON - THE DRANO CAN<br>
</b> Humble, yet highly noxious, you are at home
under the sink or simply hanging out around raw sewage. Roaches, rats,
and other satanic creatures are comfortable in your presence, as you,
with your ominous predictions of hellfire and apocalypse, remind them of
the kind of Earth that they, as The Meek, are likely to inherit.
<br><br>
This year promises big changes for those born
under the powerful sign of Drano. Things have been a bit dull for you
lately, but with the seductive planet Venus moving into your House of
Ill-Repute, your love life could finally take off! Someone wonderful may
enter your life this year - make that {<i>several}</i> someones - who
could turn your world upside down! <br><br>
Charismatic by nature, you have always attracted
people from America's corn-fed heartland. This year, however, some of
their menfolk attract {<i>you}</i>, so get your mind out of the sewer and
head for the barn, where you're sure to engage in lots of corn-fed,
corn-holing fun! Yee-haw!<br><br>
Anything could happen, even … wedding bellss?
Several of your planets align this year in what is called a "Grand
Cross." This signifies that Jesus will return to earth sometime
around late November in a fearsome cloud of fire and blood, causing you
to rend your garment and rip off your eyelids, as you, true to form,
expect the worst. However, in a redemptive gesture so like Jesus, you
will be given the Divine Authority to perform gay marriages, plus two
free tickets to {<i>Brokeback Mountain}</i>! Accept these gifts, and
learn the meaning of true Salvation.<br><br>
Drano Cans of history include: Rasputin, Elmer
Gantry, and Beelzebub. Your opposite is God. Gem: Brimstone.<br><br>
© Susie Day, 2006<br>
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Suzetski@aol.com<br><br>
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