[Ppnews] How to Stay Out of Gitmo - Get a Nuke

Political Prisoner News ppnews at freedomarchives.org
Fri Oct 20 12:41:34 EDT 2006


http://www.counterpunch.org/day10202006.html

Weekend Edition
October 20 / 22, 2006


Get a Nuke


How to Stay Out of Gitmo

By SUSIE DAY

In case you've been too stunned by other 
newsworthy disasters to pay proper attention, the 
Military Commissions Act of 2006 was just signed 
into law. This law gives the U.S. government 
legal permission to do things they've been doing 
sub-legally for years, such as: designate people 
as "unlawful enemy combatants"; deny these people 
the right of habeas corpus; detain them for years 
without charges; and obtain evidence through "coercion."

If it only affected immigrants and foreigners 
captured in battle, this law would be bad 
enough--but when we learn that it also permits 
U.S. citizens to be deemed "enemy combatants," 
it's time to ACT! Here, then, are some tips on 
proving to the feds that you are not the enemy:

1. BECOME A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR. Hollywood 
celebrities rarely, if ever, spend years in 
Guantánamo without charges, surrounded by barbed 
wire and vicious dogs. Their movies may bomb, but 
they never do, thanks to the virulent Red Scares 
that purged the motion picture industry of all 
terrorists, with the possible exception of Mel Gibson.

When you become a famous movie star, you will 
receive: a dazzling smile, affordable health 
insurance, and a rock-hard sense of self-esteem 
that comes from millions of 
government-indoctrinated nobodies knowing who you 
are. Push comes to shove and you are sent to a 
detention camp, guards will treat you better. 
"Hey, isn't that Julia Roberts on that gurney? I 
loved her in Erin Brockovich. Maybe I'll let her call her attorney..."

2. EMIT NOXIOUS FUMES. No one will ever accuse 
you of Islamofascism as you proudly stand in 
solidarity with our great multinational 
corporations and spew harmful chemical, 
radioactive, and industrial waste into our 
ecosystem. By polluting rivers, the air, and 
low-income neighborhoods, you'll garner lots of 
government perks, too, including military 
contracts and tax-breaks you could only dream of 
as an ordinary, "save-the-whales" citizen. Best 
of all, your carcinogenic emissions will increase 
chances that, among the thousands of Americans 
who die each year from environmentally caused 
cancer, one or two will be terrorists.

3. SCAPEGOAT SECULAR HUMANISTS. Stuck-up, egghead 
Secular Humanists like Frank Rich, Molly Ivins, 
and Noam Chomsky say that Islamic extremists are 
not the real problem. They're right! The real 
problem is stuck-up, egghead Secular Humanists!

Secular Humanists have caused terrorism, global 
warming, and every major disaster for the last 
5,000 years--and it's our duty to stop them before they TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

FACT: these intellectual malcontents have turned 
from God and home-schooling to the golden calf of 
"Humanities"! FACT: since the Crusades, Secular 
Humanists have stood at the center of a vast, 
satanic plot to STOP God-ordained conquest and 
unite humankind through Logic, Science, and 
Enlightenment! FACT: Much of our U.S. 
Constitution was written by these depraved, 
happiness-pursuing "Enlightenati"! Would you want 
one of these "created equal" degenerates to marry your sister?

Why are we waiting? Let's show them God's logic. 
Let's show them the only way to prevent another 
Third Reich is with another Inquisition.

4. ACQUIRE A NUCLEAR WEAPON. If you are not an 
Arab, Communist, or person of color, announcing 
that you have a nuclear weapon capable of mass 
destruction will make you an instant ally of the 
United States! A small NB about the WMD, however: 
Do NOT make the mistake of that silly Iranian 
President, who followed the Non-Proliferation 
Treaty, inquired through proper channels about 
legally obtaining nuclear technology for 
"peaceful" purposes, and was called "Hitler" for 
his efforts. Please show that you are thoughtful 
enough to handle your ability to create perpetual 
nuclear winter by obtaining your WMD before you 
inform the U.S. government. To make absolutely 
certain you're in good standing, insist that the 
U.S. government call you "France."

5. DEVELOP AGORAPHOBIC CATATONIA. "All that is 
necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to 
do nothing." A wise man said that in the 18th 
Century--a wise, stupid man. This man never 
looked ahead to the 21st Century, to see that 
doing nothing would become the apogee of cutting-edge activism!

Remember the Afghanistan invasion? The Iraq 
invasion? All those meetings and lectures you 
went to, where you became "informed" and had 
"doubts" about WMD and al Qaeda connections? All 
that peace marching--once, with 10,000,000 people 
all over the world, so the destruction of 
millennia-old cultures and the slaughter of 
innocents wouldn't happen? It happened anyway.

It happened because you left the house.

To prevent further mayhem, it is necessary to 
effect social change at home, by nonviolently 
reading your email. Uh-oh: look at all those 
listserves on murder and torture and indefinite 
detention. They force you to devise a new 
activist strategy: You must play "Minesweeper" 
and "Pac-Man" for the next four hours.

Now, for direct action! Using psychological 
skills honed at your computer, it is time to 
emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually 
"shut down." This allows you to do radical civil 
disobedience while lying on your couch. As you 
remain in staunch protest, allow crises such as 
Darfur, AIDS, and our war on Iran to roll over you.

While they are rolling, turn on TV. Look, there's 
a Sex and the City rerun. Enter the world of 
beautiful people with no real problems, lots of 
sex, and million-dollar hygiene. Why does New 
York City suddenly have so few Black people? 
Isn't that gay person being treated like a pet? 
Doesn't matter. All good. Now, try to picture 
somebody water-boarding Sarah Jessica Parker. You 
can't. Ah, finally--you have effected social change.

Susie Day can be reached at: <mailto:sday at skadden.com>sday at skadden.com

© Susie Day, 2006


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