[Ppnews] How to Stay Out of Gitmo - Get a Nuke
Political Prisoner News
ppnews at freedomarchives.org
Fri Oct 20 12:41:34 EDT 2006
http://www.counterpunch.org/day10202006.html
Weekend Edition
October 20 / 22, 2006
Get a Nuke
How to Stay Out of Gitmo
By SUSIE DAY
In case you've been too stunned by other
newsworthy disasters to pay proper attention, the
Military Commissions Act of 2006 was just signed
into law. This law gives the U.S. government
legal permission to do things they've been doing
sub-legally for years, such as: designate people
as "unlawful enemy combatants"; deny these people
the right of habeas corpus; detain them for years
without charges; and obtain evidence through "coercion."
If it only affected immigrants and foreigners
captured in battle, this law would be bad
enough--but when we learn that it also permits
U.S. citizens to be deemed "enemy combatants,"
it's time to ACT! Here, then, are some tips on
proving to the feds that you are not the enemy:
1. BECOME A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR. Hollywood
celebrities rarely, if ever, spend years in
Guantánamo without charges, surrounded by barbed
wire and vicious dogs. Their movies may bomb, but
they never do, thanks to the virulent Red Scares
that purged the motion picture industry of all
terrorists, with the possible exception of Mel Gibson.
When you become a famous movie star, you will
receive: a dazzling smile, affordable health
insurance, and a rock-hard sense of self-esteem
that comes from millions of
government-indoctrinated nobodies knowing who you
are. Push comes to shove and you are sent to a
detention camp, guards will treat you better.
"Hey, isn't that Julia Roberts on that gurney? I
loved her in Erin Brockovich. Maybe I'll let her call her attorney..."
2. EMIT NOXIOUS FUMES. No one will ever accuse
you of Islamofascism as you proudly stand in
solidarity with our great multinational
corporations and spew harmful chemical,
radioactive, and industrial waste into our
ecosystem. By polluting rivers, the air, and
low-income neighborhoods, you'll garner lots of
government perks, too, including military
contracts and tax-breaks you could only dream of
as an ordinary, "save-the-whales" citizen. Best
of all, your carcinogenic emissions will increase
chances that, among the thousands of Americans
who die each year from environmentally caused
cancer, one or two will be terrorists.
3. SCAPEGOAT SECULAR HUMANISTS. Stuck-up, egghead
Secular Humanists like Frank Rich, Molly Ivins,
and Noam Chomsky say that Islamic extremists are
not the real problem. They're right! The real
problem is stuck-up, egghead Secular Humanists!
Secular Humanists have caused terrorism, global
warming, and every major disaster for the last
5,000 years--and it's our duty to stop them before they TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
FACT: these intellectual malcontents have turned
from God and home-schooling to the golden calf of
"Humanities"! FACT: since the Crusades, Secular
Humanists have stood at the center of a vast,
satanic plot to STOP God-ordained conquest and
unite humankind through Logic, Science, and
Enlightenment! FACT: Much of our U.S.
Constitution was written by these depraved,
happiness-pursuing "Enlightenati"! Would you want
one of these "created equal" degenerates to marry your sister?
Why are we waiting? Let's show them God's logic.
Let's show them the only way to prevent another
Third Reich is with another Inquisition.
4. ACQUIRE A NUCLEAR WEAPON. If you are not an
Arab, Communist, or person of color, announcing
that you have a nuclear weapon capable of mass
destruction will make you an instant ally of the
United States! A small NB about the WMD, however:
Do NOT make the mistake of that silly Iranian
President, who followed the Non-Proliferation
Treaty, inquired through proper channels about
legally obtaining nuclear technology for
"peaceful" purposes, and was called "Hitler" for
his efforts. Please show that you are thoughtful
enough to handle your ability to create perpetual
nuclear winter by obtaining your WMD before you
inform the U.S. government. To make absolutely
certain you're in good standing, insist that the
U.S. government call you "France."
5. DEVELOP AGORAPHOBIC CATATONIA. "All that is
necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to
do nothing." A wise man said that in the 18th
Century--a wise, stupid man. This man never
looked ahead to the 21st Century, to see that
doing nothing would become the apogee of cutting-edge activism!
Remember the Afghanistan invasion? The Iraq
invasion? All those meetings and lectures you
went to, where you became "informed" and had
"doubts" about WMD and al Qaeda connections? All
that peace marching--once, with 10,000,000 people
all over the world, so the destruction of
millennia-old cultures and the slaughter of
innocents wouldn't happen? It happened anyway.
It happened because you left the house.
To prevent further mayhem, it is necessary to
effect social change at home, by nonviolently
reading your email. Uh-oh: look at all those
listserves on murder and torture and indefinite
detention. They force you to devise a new
activist strategy: You must play "Minesweeper"
and "Pac-Man" for the next four hours.
Now, for direct action! Using psychological
skills honed at your computer, it is time to
emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually
"shut down." This allows you to do radical civil
disobedience while lying on your couch. As you
remain in staunch protest, allow crises such as
Darfur, AIDS, and our war on Iran to roll over you.
While they are rolling, turn on TV. Look, there's
a Sex and the City rerun. Enter the world of
beautiful people with no real problems, lots of
sex, and million-dollar hygiene. Why does New
York City suddenly have so few Black people?
Isn't that gay person being treated like a pet?
Doesn't matter. All good. Now, try to picture
somebody water-boarding Sarah Jessica Parker. You
can't. Ah, finally--you have effected social change.
Susie Day can be reached at: <mailto:sday at skadden.com>sday at skadden.com
© Susie Day, 2006
The Freedom Archives
522 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110
(415) 863-9977
www.freedomarchives.org
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