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<big><big><b><span class="style1">All the News That Doesn't Fit
Anywhere Else</span></b></big></big><br>
<span class="style2">by Susie Day</span>
<p><strong>NYPD to Racially Profile White Males<br>
</strong></p>
<p><strong><a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/2012/day051112.html">http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/2012/day051112.html</a><br>
</strong></p>
<p>New York, NY -- Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Police Commissioner
Raymond Kelly announced today in a joint press conference that,
following a recent study on race and "going-postal" homicides, the New
York City Police Department will revamp its Stop and Frisk crime
prevention policy by instructing officers to stop and frisk male
Caucasians.</p>
<p>Stating that their main concern was, per usual, the safety of the
average citizen, Mr. Bloomberg explained, "We did one of those
comprehensive studies where you get data and then you look at the data?
We wanted to find out who's most likely to gun down innocent New
Yorkers -- besides police officers just doing their job, I mean."</p>
<p>Commissioner Kelly cut in to elucidate. "We pored over decades of
public homicide cases, pinpointing <a
href="http://timelines.latimes.com/deadliest-shooting-rampages/"
class="style5">deranged shootings</a> in just the last couple of
years. The clear majority of perps were like that guy in Tucson who
shot 18 people including Gabrielle Giffords; or that guy in Wisconsin
who killed six people at that Sikh temple; or that guy in Colorado who
shot up that midnight showing of <em>Batman</em>; or that Norwegian
guy who killed 77 people, or, lest we forget, <a
href="http://www.cnn.com/2012/08/24/justice/new-york-empire-state/index.html"
class="style5">that guy here in Manhattan who shot an ex-coworker at
the Empire State Building</a>. The list goes on."</p>
<p>"Using science," Mayor Bloomberg added, "we were able to ascertain
that the shooters had two things in common: they were male and they
were pale." </p>
<p>According to noted forensic whitemanologists, recent laboratory
tests show that the hormone testosterone can undergo a pronounced
chemical exacerbation in those Caucasoids who possess the XY chromosome
and a relative dearth of the epidermal pigment melanin. If exposed to
certain socioeconomic factors, this condition can produce a
carbon-based, bilaterally symmetrical, rage-filled, dude-like organism
whose desire to be King of the Universe comes into direct conflict with
his inability to get a really good tan at the beach. His rage festers
until the white male organism feels that there is no alternative but to
buy a sunhat, get some guns, go out, and mow people down.</p>
<p>"We were blown away -- nonviolently, of course -- to learn that just
about every marauding psycho in our study was badass and beige," Mr.
Bloomberg concluded. "And there we were, assuming that the danger to
society was black and brown men. Was our face red."</p>
<p>"Henceforth, we pledge to use our white supremacy for good,"
declared Commissioner Kelly. "Also, we figure that if we start
racially profiling white people, the NAACP and the NY Civil Liberties
Union will finally stop dissing us."</p>
<p>As the Mayor went on to repeat the entire press conference in his
inimitable Spanish, Grover Boynton, a high school basketball coach who
happened to attend the event, expressed concern.</p>
<p>"I sure hope this doesn't mean that white folks will stop seeing
African American men as threatening," said Mr. Boynton. "White people
who avoid sitting next to me on the subway or who step away from me on
the street are about the only way society lets me know I exist. Yo, I
better go buy me another hoodie."</p>
<p><strong>Wikileaks: Hating Ahmadinejad Promotes Sound Ecology</strong></p>
<p>Washington, DC -- The rogue news source Wikileaks has released four
years of confidential emails consisting of some 50,000 interchanges
between President Barack Obama and representatives of various Western
governments. According to the main thread, world leaders -- depressed
that nine countries already possess about 22,000 nuclear weapons
capable at any moment of creating global Armageddon -- decided to
distract themselves and everybody else with <a
href="http://fcnl.org/issues/iran/us_israeli_intelligence_officials_iran_is_not_pursuing_nuclear_weapons/"
class="style5">inane quandaries over whether Iran is about to make a
nuclear bomb</a>.</p>
<p>"OMG guys," writes the newly elected President Obama in an email
dated January 26, 2009, "the American people have suffered so much from
this economy. How can I tell them that, given the unstable world
situation, they should *also* worry about thermonuclear war -- not to
mention nuclear waste disposal, power plant radiation leaks, climate
change, global warming, and the death of the Earth as we've known it?
:( :( :( "</p>
<p>An as yet unidentified UN ambassador responds: "Just do as our <em>gouvernement</em>
does when it is tired of defending its anti-Islamic ban on face-veils.
We accuse Iran of lying about its uranium enrichment and reprocessing
activities. <em>Le </em>LOL!"</p>
<p>A transcript of the ensuing discussion follows:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:Prez@whitehouse.gov:">Prez@whitehouse.gov:</a> But Iran signed the Nuclear
Non-Proliferation Treaty. Shouldn't we worry more about <a
href="http://www.policymic.com/articles/3867/u-s-wrongly-demonizes-iran-but-ignores-nuclear-weapons-countries-india-pakistan-and-israel"
class="style5">Pakistan, India, and Israel</a>? They never signed."</em></p>
<p><em><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:Bibi@netanyahoo.com:">Bibi@netanyahoo.com:</a> So what? A barbaric country like Iran
cannot be permitted to nuke civilized, freedom-loving countries, like
us. Whereas, a civilized country nuking barbaric dictatorships
protects our Freedom.</em></p>
<p><em><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:Prez@whitehouse.gov:">Prez@whitehouse.gov:</a> "Like when the U.S. nuked Japan?"</em></p>
<p><em><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:Frenchdude@UN.org:">Frenchdude@UN.org:</a> </em>Allons,<em> boys. Let us displace
our fear of planetary extinction with the evil of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Getting people to fear and hate him like he was Dracula will save the
Earth.</em></p>
<p><em><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:Prez@whitehouse.gov:">Prez@whitehouse.gov:</a> Yeah, well, I sure hate Dracula. vv
<-- get it? Fangs??? . . .</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>While the State Department expressed outrage at this unprecedented
revelation of sensitive communiqués, much of the general public, for
some reason, continues to fear and hate Iran's President, Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad.</p>
<p>"Thanks to that fascist Iranian vampire, we're way calmer than if
our news media were headlining <a
href="http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/hurricane-sandy-problems-nuke-plants/story?id=17598503#.UJfz-Wl25-5"
class="style5">nuclear dangers in our own backyard</a>," said Bernie
Blackout, vice-president of New Yorkers for Surviving Late Capitalism.
"Dangers like those <a
href="http://www.alternet.org/news-amp-politics/nuclear-trouble-16-reactors-path-hurricane-sandy"
class="style5">16 nuclear power plants in the path of Hurricane Sandy</a>?"</p>
<div class="moz-signature">-- <br>
Freedom Archives
522 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110
415 863.9977
<a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="http://www.freedomarchives.org">www.freedomarchives.org</a>
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