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MIRACLE ON PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE: SANTA CONFIRMED AS FBI HEAD<br><br>
(PU) After a brief debate, the Senate voted 98-0
today to <br>
confirm Santa Claus, bag-toting icon of festive home invasions, for
a <br>
lifetime term as director of the FBI. Upon learning of the
decision, <br>
Mr. Claus let out a triumphant "HO HO HO," shook his ample red
belly, <br>
and handed out gaily wrapped presents to all, senator and page
alike.<br><br>
Santa's appointment, along with the ouster of
current FBI chief <br>
Robert S. Mueller, is hoped to quell decades of accusations that
the <br>
Federal Bureau of Investigation abuses its power by spying on <br>
civilians. Last March, for example, the Inspector General's audit
<br>
found 22 possible breaches of internal FBI and Justice Department
<br>
regulations, when the FBI made thousands of secret demands for
<br>
private information on U.S. residents not suspected of
terrorism.<br><br>
"With Santa at the reins," said
President Bush, "no one can <br>
criticize U.S. intelligence again. Hey, what say we get Santa to
take <br>
the fall for destroying those CIA interrogation tapes?"<br><br>
During a half-hour confirmation hearing, Santa
argued that, as <br>
an archetype of Western Culture's bounty, with magic powers to look
<br>
into the hearts of every U.S. resident, he needs no permission to
<br>
monitor email, phone calls, or financial records. Simply by riding
<br>
around in his sleigh, says Santa, he can circumvent the courts in a
<br>
way previous FBI administrations could only dream of doing.<br><br>
Senate Judiciary Committee member Tom Coburn
(R-OK), reflected <br>
bi-partisan approval in stating, "The guy's an investigative
genius; <br>
he's also a pagan symbol, so the church-state-separation loonies
<br>
can't hammer us. Plus, Santa's so darn likeable, who could resist
<br>
him? Look he gave me this nifty HIV test kit."<br>
But Santa has a master plan, warn anonymous
Santa's Helpers <br>
concerned with a turn toward McCarthyism. In order to cut through
<br>
surveillance red tape, Santa is creating one all-encompassing List,
<br>
designating everyone as either "Naughty" or "Nice."
There are, say <br>
the Helpers, no legal safeguards to ensure that the List will be
<br>
checked once, let alone twice.<br><br>
Telephone companies, Internet service providers,
and banks have <br>
sometimes been reluctant to surrender client information to the
<br>
government. Now, in hopes of making the "Nice" list, most
appear <br>
eager to be shaken down by a merry fat man. However, reactions of
<br>
ordinary Americans are mixed.<br><br>
Clyde Lichtenloafer, sequin placement manager
for the Ice <br>
Capades, said he was delighted by Santa's appointment, which makes
<br>
routine intrusions into his privacy more appealing. "Now, whenever
I <br>
pick up the phone," said Mr. Lichtenloafer, "instead of the
usual <br>
nasty hums and clicks, I hear the distant jingle of sleigh
bells."<br><br>
But Memphis beautician Thelma Plattsburgh has
qualms. "I don't <br>
mind that Santa knows when I'm awake," said Plattsburgh.
"That's his <br>
job, to catch the terrorists and all. But I don't like that he can
<br>
see me when I'm sleeping. I mean, who is he Freddy Krueger?
Like, <br>
last night, I had a dream that tiny red and green demons kidnapped
me <br>
to the North Pole for interrogation. I woke up in a cold sweat,
<br>
screaming, 'I've been good, for goodness sake, stop HURTING
me!'"<br><br>
Prominent American intellectuals generally
support Santa's <br>
appointment, with the exception of the minority who employ irony
and <br>
sarcasm. Noam Chomsky spoke for the caustic few when he stated, "In
a <br>
country that seriously debates whether evolution should be taught
in <br>
our schools, it makes perfect sense that Santa Claus is appointed
<br>
head of the FBI."<br><br>
Chomsky, ever the current-events maven, cited
the case of <br>
plucky, 8-year-old Billy Wiggims of East Lansing, Michigan, who has
<br>
already been put on the "Naughty" list for writing a letter to
Santa <br>
saying that he wanted world peace more than a new catcher's mitt.
<br>
Billy was kicked out of the Cub Scouts and will be tried as an
adult <br>
on seven counts of terrorism and two counts of being a crybaby.<br><br>
Yet no one appears to doubt that Santa Claus's
law enforcement <br>
methods are far superior and kindlier than those se
traditionally <br>
used by the FBI. Since its inception, the agency has been known for
<br>
making wrongful arrests, illegally breaking into homes,
vandalizing, <br>
stealing evidence, and hounding social justice activists including
<br>
Albert Einstein, the Black Panther Party, and Dr. Martin Luther
King.<br><br>
Interestingly, denizens of the crime underworld,
who have <br>
cooperated with the FBI, are familiar with its new director. "Sure,
I <br>
know Santa," said Turdface the Snitch, minor drug dealer on
<br>
Manhattan's Lower East Side, who declined to give his real name.
<br>
"He's a bagman. Also known as Nick, alias 'Saint' Nick, alias
Pere <br>
Noel, alias Sinterklaas, alias Baba Christmas. Now, he's J. Edgar
<br>
Kringle. The dude's got a rap sheet as long as your arm."<br><br>
Meanwhile, because of Santa's busy new schedule,
deposed FBI <br>
chief Mueller has been asked to fill in at holiday venues. Mueller
<br>
currently appears as "Santa" at the Macy's on 34th Street,
dandling <br>
little children on his knee and emitting what has been described as
a <br>
strained and rather disappointing "heh-heh-heh."<br><br>
Ultimately, say Justice Department insiders,
until the <br>
government can put a jolly face on all its clandestine activities,
<br>
every good little American will be well advised to (a) watch out,
(b) <br>
not cry, (c) avoid pouting. Above all, cautions Turdface, "if
<br>
somebody sneaks into your house late at night and cleans you out of
<br>
everything, down to your very last cookie don't call the
cops."<br><br>
<br><br>
<suzetski@gmail.com> <br><br>
© Susie Day 2007<br><br>
<br>
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