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POPPIN' FRESH DECLARES MARTIAL LAW<br><br>
Poppin' Fresh, chubby little standard-bearer for
the mass <br>
marketing of lip-smacking glutens, interrupted regularly scheduled
TV <br>
programming today at 8:46 a.m. to announce the imposition of
martial <br>
law across the continental United States.<br><br>
"Now, don't you folks go out of your homes,
and don't you try <br>
to stop those roundups in the streets we've suspended Mr. <br>
Constitution!" Poppin' Fresh giggled, his round, improbably blue
eyes <br>
twinkling merrily. "From now on, you'll be taking your cues from
ME. <br>
So, sit back and relax, as the good people at FOX shut down all the
<br>
other channels. In the meantime, let's go live to a a
typical <br>
American family who enjoys togetherness by water-boarding their
<br>
immigrant neighbors. M-m-m, so moist and delicious!"<br><br>
Millions of Americans, shocked by the abrupt
halt to their <br>
daily routine, nevertheless appear to be complying with the edicts
of <br>
Mr. Fresh who, Pentagon sources suggest, is a puppet of the Bush
<br>
Administration. An internal White House memo, obtained by this
<br>
reporter, states that the Defense Department negotiated a buyout of
<br>
the diminutive Doughboy's contract from Pillsbury for approximately
<br>
$1.8 billion in taxpayer funds.<br><br>
Recent news about the excesses of U.S. mercenary
armies in Iraq <br>
has alerted most Americans to the fact that free-market
corporations <br>
play a growing role in federal policy. Today's sudden crackdown,
<br>
however, reveals startling links between the implacable forces of
<br>
Homeland Security and long-beloved advertising mascots,
representing <br>
brand names consumers once thought they could trust. The extent of
<br>
this nexus has stunned even some pundits on the Left.<br><br>
"We all knew the police state was
coming," observed Patricia <br>
Patchouli, author of the acclaimed U.S. Military Contractors: How
to <br>
Avoid Clinical Depression While Reading Jeremy Scahill's Book on
<br>
Blackwater. "Now is our big chance to rush to the barricades
and <br>
storm the White House. But how do we rise up against Poppin' Fresh?
<br>
He's too cute. Which is really depressing, since his cuteness shows
<br>
once again how we buy into the myth of white male
supremacy."<br><br>
Piping hot tollhouse cookies were served at a
White House press <br>
conference at which President Bush announced his unqualified
support <br>
of Poppin Fresh's new regime. "You all do what the little
fellow <br>
says," enjoined the President. "Don't mind me. I'll be
protecting you <br>
from that Israel-hating Iran guy, by wiping him off the
map."<br><br>
A lone reporter from the recently impounded news
program <br>
Democracy Now voiced skepticism. "Mr. President, are you
suggesting <br>
further military action? If so, won't we increase regional <br>
destabilization, possibly encouraging a multi-lateral nuclear war?
<br>
How will we survive?"<br><br>
"Same way we got through the last four
years in Iraq," <br>
responded the President, choking on a cookie. "By watching TV
<br>
Grey's Anatomy, ER, Desperate Housewives… Then, the minute you
see <br>
footage of our pudgy little pilots, all decked out in their khaki
<br>
chef's hats and bandanas, chuckling sweetly as they fly over Tehran
<br>
you just get up and go to the fridge for a light snack."
The <br>
reporter was then escorted out the door, and, according to
anonymous <br>
sources, will be flown to a country where it is legal to force-feed
<br>
people bran muffins.<br><br>
Bill O'Reilly, veteran commentator of FOX News,
was among the <br>
majority of the press heartily agreeing with the President. "Aww,
who <br>
wouldn't enjoy the imposition of such an adorable and winsome
little <br>
dictatorship?" stated O'Reilly. "We're doing this so much
better than <br>
Myanmar or Pakistan it makes you proud to be an American."<br>
Marketing analysts say that military deployment
of Poppin' <br>
Fresh may be only the beginning of a new, improved, fresher-tasting
<br>
Executive Branch. Rumors are rife that the Morton Salt Girl, Ronald
<br>
McDonald, and Betty Crocker's red spoon are set to sign contracts
if <br>
needed for further government clampdowns.<br><br>
Mr. Fresh's rise to power, coming so close to
the impending <br>
Presidential election, has motivated Beltway insiders to
recalibrate <br>
their predictions. Many surmise that, if Republicans choose to run
<br>
Poppin' Fresh for President next year, the Democrats will forgo
<br>
frontrunner candidates Clinton and Obama in favor of the Michelin
Man.<br><br>
Meanwhile, on TV, Poppin' Fresh banged a tiny
dinner roll on <br>
his lectern, much like a spritely Nikita Khrushchev. "We will
bury <br>
you," shrieked Mr. Fresh happily, "with commercials! But first,
let's <br>
watch a re-run of Law and Order the one where they make the
queer <br>
activist look like a terrorist psycho-thug. Tasty and
nutritious!"<br><br>
Suddenly, as if to alert the cheery little
fellow to a possible <br>
security breach, an index finger, attached to a well-manicured hand
<br>
in a gray flannel suit, reached into the picture and poked Poppin'
<br>
Fresh in his belly. It then pointed in this direction, upon which
the <br>
fun-loving Mr. Fresh tittered, pulled out a wee, fully-loaded Uzi 9
<br>
mm sub-machine gun and shot this reporter in the<br><br>
<br><br>
© Susie Day, 2007<br><br>
<br>
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