<html>
<body>
<tt><br><br>
<font face="Courier, Courier" size=3>PEACE MOVEMENT OVERTHROWS
GOVERNMENT, CHENEY DIES<br><br>
(PU) Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney was
found dead today at the Daniel Ellsberg Reeducation Center for War
Criminals and the Psychopathically Challenged. Using twine he had
pilfered from a macramé class, Mr. Cheney apparently hanged himself after
a particularly grueling group therapy session in which participants were
asked to go deep within themselves and explore their feelings about the
phrase, "Give Peace a Chance." <br><br>
Mr. Cheney's suicide is one more in a
distressingly long line of self-inflicted deaths of Republican
politicians, military contractors, army officers, and rightwing pundits
following the recent nationwide, nonviolent Revolution. For some as yet
unknown reason, many free market neoconservatives seem unwilling to go on
living, now that all forms of racial and ethnic discrimination have
ceased, gay marriage is legal, U.S. troops are coming home to full
employment and psychological counseling, and the end of global warming
appears possible within 1-2 weeks.<br><br>
"Dick's with Jesus, now," wept James
Dobson, chairman of the rightwing evangelical group, Focus on the Family.
Mr. Dobson was recently sentenced to 2,500 years of community service at
an HIV/AIDS clinic for his part in cutting off government funding to sex
education programs that did not promote abstinence-only. "If you ask
me, Dick Cheney didn't kill himself," Dobson continued. "He was
murdered – murdered by those tree-hugging, all-you-need-is-love,
daisy-sniffing goons who took over our government. Death to the fascist
hippies that prey on the life of Christian conservatives!"<br><br>
From his cell at the Reeducation Center,
ex-President George W. Bush reflected on his years with Mr. Cheney.
"Me and Dick had some good times. But after those peace-mongering
terrorists stormed the White House and took away our ability to torture
Arabs and dismantle the Constitution, life lost its meaning for Dick. He
got depressed, seeing the children of illegal immigrants get adequate
health care. He was also upset that the Che Guevara t-shirt they forced
him to wear made him look paunchy. Oh, Dick, Dick!" wailed Mr. Bush,
smashing a lava-lamp against the wall and throwing himself on his
government-issued waterbed with the floral-printed, contoured sheets.
"Why did it have to be YOU? Why couldn't it have been 500,000 more
Iraqis?"<br><br>
Newly elected President and Maximum Leader,
Cindy Sheehan, also expressed regret at hearing of Mr. Cheney's demise.
"That is a real bummer," she lamented. "Hey, does anybody
know if I have to dial '011' to call South Korea? I'd like to get our
troops out of there, too." <br><br>
It is foreign policy like this that has probably
motivated right-wingers such as Rupert Murdoch, Ann Coulter, and Alberto
Gonzalez to take their own lives. Mr. Murdoch, who drank nine quarts of
toner from a color printer, and Mr. Gonzalez, who water-boarded himself
to death, selected quiet, almost humble, ways to shuffle off their mortal
coils. <br><br>
Ms. Coulter, in contrast, chose to dress in the
traditional garb of a devout Muslim woman and blow herself up at the
Brooklyn Society for Ethical Culture, in order to demonstrate, her
suicide note read, "the terrorist faggotry embedded in Enlightenment
values." These deaths, say remaining conservative pundits, might
have been avoided, had the Bush Administration taken firmer control of
the Internet. <br><br>
"If millions of people hadn't been allowed
to click on all those goddamned Web petitions to stop the war,"
remarked Rush Limbaugh, "Cindy Sheehan would be salted away in some
FEMA detention camp by now. Every day, it gets worse. Just a minute ago,
I heard that that death-row guy, Mumia Abu-Jamal, was appointed Attorney
General. You'll pardon me, now, while I take an overdose of
OxyContin."<br><br>
President Sheehan's Cabinet appointments have,
at times, stirred controversy, as when she tapped singer Harry Belafonte
for Secretary of State, and anti-globalization activist Naomi Klein for
Chair of the Federal Reserve Board. Public outcry, however, was quickly
assuaged by the new Secretary of Defense the Dalai Lama, and by White
House Press Secretary Amy Goodman who gave out free Democracy Now! tote
bags at a Washington press conference. <br><br>
Politically, President Sheehan has had few
rivals, except, for a brief time, Representative John Conyers (D-MI), who
held a sit-in outside the Oval Office to "pay her back" for Ms.
Sheehan's own pre-Revolutionary protest outside Conyers' office in
support of Bush's impeachment. All ended happily in laughter, tears, and
warm hugs, however, when Ms. Sheehan admitted that she had been "an
idiot."<br><br>
Surprisingly, the most serious criticism of the
current Revolutionary administration has come from the sectarian Left.
"I guess I miss the hatred," observed Cyrus Prolehammer,
founder of the Laborers Work Party, whose motto, "We Never Met a
Leftwing Dictator We Didn't Like," has garnered the organization at
least two-dozen members. "A hundred years ago," Mr. Prolehammer
sighed, "Cheney wouldn't have had the white, upper-class privilege
of suicide. We would have taken him down to the cellar and shot him, just
like with the Czar. Sadly, those days are gone. I never realized the
draconian repression that can come from a truly egalitarian,
anti-capitalist, peace-loving Revolution – they just won't let you do
anything mean."<br><br>
Mr. Cheney's body is presently on view in the
Capitol Rotunda, where nobody is lined up to see it. His family would
like to give him a decent burial. However, in light of the government's
radical emphasis on preserving the environment, newly appointed Secretary
of the Interior Daniel McGowan has suggested that Mr. Cheney's body be
thrown to an endangered species of wolves.<br><br>
Whatever the outcome of this thorny issue, it is
sure to be decided harmoniously and fairly, with an eye to the Greater
Good of All. <br><br>
© Susie Day, 2007<br><br>
<br>
</font></tt><x-sigsep><p></x-sigsep>
<font size=3 color="#FF0000">Freedom Archives<br>
522 Valencia Street<br>
San Francisco, CA 94110<br><br>
</font><font size=3 color="#008000">415 863-9977<br><br>
</font><font size=3 color="#0000FF">
<a href="http://www.freedomarchives.org/" eudora="autourl">
www.Freedomarchives.org</a></font><font size=3> </font></body>
</html>