[News] Jesus Quits As Evangelical Savior: My Biggest Scoop Ever!

Wed Apr 2 11:01:01 EDT 2014

/Dedicated to the memory of Fred Phelps:/

      (New York, NY) At 11:00 EST last night, Jesus H. Christ 
interrupted regularly scheduled programs on every TV channel across the 
Western Hemisphere with a stunning simulcast announcement. Effective 
immediately, Jesus stated, "I resign My post as Lord and Savior at every 
evangelical church or Christian organization that sponsors antigay 
legislation or seeks to deny civil or human rights to LGBT communities."

      Attired in a tasteful three-piece suit discretely covering his 
stigmata, Jesus spake in sonorous, well-modulated tones as He listed 
each of the 38 African countries with draconic antigay legislation, 
including Uganda, whose recently signed "kill the gays" bill warrants 
life in prison if not the death penalty for "aggravated homosexuality." 
Jesus also described Russia's "gay propaganda" law, which, besides 
imprisoning people for "homosexual acts," may soon lead to government 
seizure of children from their LGBT parents.

      What is striking about these international "pro-family," antigay 
campaigns, Jesus continued – miraculously preempting commercial after 
commercial – is the fact that almost all have been influenced, guided, 
and funded by predominantly white, rightwing Christian groups based in 
the United States.

      "Woe unto you hypocrites, you purveyors of hate," thundered Jesus, 
citing in particular Scott Lively of the newly formed Coalition for 
Family Values and Larry Jacobs of the World Congress of Families. "For 
ye hast founded thy leprous movement upon the immoral, yea illegal use 
of My image."

      His luminous eyes seeming to follow millions of TV viewers around 
their living rooms, Jesus concluded: "I hereby revoke from said 
movement, all intellectual property rights to Christian logos, including 
but not limited to Jesus throw pillows, Last-Supper lunchboxes, fatuous 
Broadway musicals, glow-in-the-dark statuettes of Me, and, especially 
and retroactively, all usage of the Jesus trademark to justify slavery 
and/or colonialism."

      So saying, Jesus wafted somewhere off camera.

      Such an astounding "Divine Intervention" might be expected to 
change the course of Western religion. Strangely, however, no one seems 
to care, and leaders of Jesus' evangelical target groups are unperturbed.

      "OK by me; we just get another martyr," said Scott Lively when 
reached by telephone. "Maybe this time a broad, or some kid who's been 
to heaven. Actually, this is a relief. I always found it hard to 
engender homophobia by asking people to open their hearts to a guy in a 
robe and loincloth, who hung out with twelve other similarly attired 
guys talking about love. I mean, how queer is that?"

      Another evangelical pastor who preferred to remain anonymous also 
expressed relief. "Maybe this time we can find some figurehead who isn't 
Jewish," he said. "It'd sure make it easier to tell those backroom 
holocaust jokes."

      But this reporter – ever in search of the proper journalistic 
balance – decided to get Jesus' side of the story.

      I caught up with the unemployed messiah at the Washington Square 
Diner on West 4th Street. This time, He appeared in jeans and sandals, 
his long hair covering his eyes like so many dudes of the West Village. 
Jesus sat down and ordered a chocolate egg cream.

      "Sorry I'm late," He said. "I stayed for a group hug after my 
Codependents Anonymous meeting. You see, Susie, I've only just become 
aware of my problem. I have this centuries-old addiction to dying for 
other people's sins. "

      This reporter, though aghast, managed to ask objectively, "How 
does that make you feel?"

      "I’m struggling with guilt, Susie. But, I'm in recovery. As people 
in my twelve-step group remind me, I'm attracted to narcissists. It was 
Superman who made me see that."

      "Superman is codependent?" gasped this reporter.

      "Yeah, big time – uh-oh. You're not going to repeat that?"

      This reporter assured Jesus that she was a professional. "I've 
heard rumors that you were on Scott Lively's payroll. That you waited to 
resign until your Christmas bonus check cleared. True?"

      "Lies, Susie, all lies," sighed Jesus. "Although I will say they 
never let me observe casual Fridays."

      "For years," Jesus explained, "I forgave Christian leaders as they 
shored up their power in the U.S. by blaming queers for the world's 
ills. I forgave them as they took their campaigns to countries like 
Uganda and Russia. Maybe because I, as a lower-middle-class, 
many-gendered person of color, was vulnerable to being manipulated by a 
bunch of straight white guys."

      "Do you ever get jokes about being born in a barn?" asked this 
reporter, eager to trump Jesus' Identity card. But He seemed not to hear.

      "Then Scott Lively wrote a book called /The Pink Swastika/, about 
how gays inspired the worst Nazi atrocities. I hit rock bottom. I felt 
dirty, so used. One day in the marketplace, I ran into Krishna. He 
suggested I come to a meeting and surrender to some so-called higher 
power."

      "That saved you?"

      "Ha, good one, Susie. Yes, it did," said Jesus, swiping a couple 
of sugar packets. "I had the chance to hang out among other heroes and 
avatars with the same problem. I learned that we can't fix people."

      This reporter started to cry. "You can't?"

      "You especially can't fix people who aren't broken, like queers. 
But you /can/ stand up and say No."

      "No to who?"

      "No to /whom/, Susie. You can say No to anyone who uses any 
religious icon to perpetuate fear and hatred."

      "What are your plans now, Jesus?" I gulped through my tears.

      Jesus stood up and put on his Mets cap. "Me, I'm going to clean 
out the garage, sit with my pain, maybe write that novel…"

      And He was gone. Leaving this reporter and her readers to face yet 
another deadline – and so many more demagogues. One day at a time.

/(c) susie day, 2014/

/
/

  # # #

References:

How (white) American evangelicals fund anti-gay hate and violence in Africa:

http://americablog.com/2013/01/how-white-american-evangelicals-fund-anti-gay-hate-and-violence-in-africa-video.html 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974805-americablog.com/2013/01/how-white-american-evangelicals-fund-anti-gay-hate-and-violence-in-africa-video.html?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

"From Uganda to Russia: Homophobia Spreading Worldwide":

http://www.newsweek.com/uganda-russia-homophobia-spreading-worldwide-230358 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974809-www.newsweek.com/uganda-russia-homophobia-spreading-worldwide-230358?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

Africa:

Uganda's Kill Gays Bill; homosexuality illegal in 38 African countries:

http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/24/world/africa/uganda-anti-gay-bill/ 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974813-www.cnn.com/2014/02/24/world/africa/uganda-anti-gay-bill/?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

"aggravated homosexuality":

http://www.nationaljournal.com/gay-washington/evangelicals-are-winning-the-gay-marriage-fight-in-africa-and-russia-20140123 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974817-www.nationaljournal.com/gay-washington/evangelicals-are-winning-the-gay-marriage-fight-in-africa-and-russia-20140123?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

http://www.globalpost.com/dispatches/globalpost-blogs/rights/uganda-gays-american- 
elicals-LGBT 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974821-www.globalpost.com/dispatches/globalpost-blogs/rights/uganda-gays-american-evangelicals-lgbt?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

"Uganda's anti-gay bill refocuses attention on US evangelical influence"

http://www.csmonitor.com/World/2014/0225/Uganda-s-anti-gay-bill-refocuses-attention-on-US-evangelical-influence-video 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974825-www.csmonitor.com/world/2014/0225/uganda-s-anti-gay-bill-refocuses-attention-on-us-evangelical-influence-video?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

Russia:

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/02/world-congress-families-russia-gay-rights 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974829-www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/02/world-congress-families-russia-gay-rights?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/02/world-congress-families-russia-gay-rights?page=2 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974833-www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/02/world-congress-families-russia-gay-rights?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/02/15/gays-in-russia/5372287/ 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974837-www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/02/15/gays-in-russia/5372287/?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

Scott Lively, report from Moscow:

http://www.scottlively.net/2013/10/18/report-from-moscow/ 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974841-www.scottlively.net/2013/10/18/report-from-moscow/?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

How US Evangelicals Helped Create Russia's Anti-Gay Movement

Meet the Fox News producer, the nightclub impresario, and the oligarchs 
who teamed up to write inequality into law:

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/02/world-congress-families-russia-gay-rights?page=2 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974833-www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/02/world-congress-families-russia-gay-rights?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

Larry Jacobs, World Congress of Families:

http://worldcongress.org 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974845-worldcongress.org/?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

Scott Lively, Coalition for Family Values:

http://www.washingtonblade.com/2014/02/21/anti-gay-advocates-launch-global-pro-family-group/ 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974849-www.washingtonblade.com/2014/02/21/anti-gay-advocates-launch-global-pro-family-group/?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/scott-lively-s-new-anti-gay-coalition-governments-should-suppress-lgbt-propaganda 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974853-www.rightwingwatch.org/content/scott-lively-s-new-anti-gay-coalition-governments-should-suppress-lgbt-propaganda?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

Lively, /The Pink Swastika/:

<< …we have accumulated a substantial amount of new documentation 
supporting our thesis that the Nazi Party was conceived, organized and 
controlled throughout its short history by masculine-oriented male 
homosexuals who hid their sexual proclivities from the public…">>

http://www.thepinkswastika.com 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974857-www.thepinkswastika.com/?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

http://www.defendthefamily.com 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974861-www.defendthefamily.com/?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

Phelps:

http://www.godhatesfags.com 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974865-www.godhatesfags.com/?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

ILGA international summary of countries with antigay laws:

http://76crimes.com/76-countries-where-homosexuality-is-illegal/ 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974869-76crimes.com/76-countries-where-homosexuality-is-illegal/?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

Codependence:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency 
<http://d1ej5r2t2cu524.cloudfront.net/snidelines/jesus-quits-as-evangelical-savior-my-biggest-scoop-ever/974873-en.wikipedia.org/wiki/codependency?c=6d81fb7a-3227-4ee1-9d3d-c0e8d025b1fb>

Snidelines <http://tinyletter.com/snidelines> by susie day

-- 
Freedom Archives 522 Valencia Street San Francisco, CA 94110 415 
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