[News] How to Avoid Being Labeled an Enemy Combatant
Anti-Imperialist News
news at freedomarchives.org
Thu Jan 10 12:20:35 EST 2013
*HOW TO AVOID BEING LABELED AN ENEMY COMBATANT
by Susie day
*
Remember when President Obama promised to close the Guantánamo detention
camp? Remember when he didn’t? Years later, we grow old and decrepit,
and there remain some 166 detainees at Guantánamo in much worse shape.
One hundred of these men have not been charged with a crime, and all of
them will probably remain at Gitmo without trial.
This is largely because Congress passed the National Defense
Authorization Act (NDAA) of 2012, which not only prevents transfer of
prisoners out of Guantánamo; it also specifies that anyone, including
U.S. citizens, can be indefinitely detained anywhere without trial.
In case you thought the year was starting out too pleasantly, Congress
recently passed the NDAA again for 2013, in pretty much the same
version, and President Obama signed it. Given that Guantánamo won’t
close for years now, and that many law-abiding people stand a greater
than ever chance of being labeled “enemy combatants,” it becomes
necessary to forgo lofty “human rights” ideals and make altruism work
for /us/. Here, then, are some tips on proving to the feds that you are
not the enemy:
✌ BECOME A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR
Hollywood celebrities rarely, if ever, spend years in Guantánamo without
charges, surrounded by barbed wire and vicious dogs. Their movies may
bomb, but they never do, thanks to the virulent Red Scares that purged
the motion picture industry of all terrorists, with the possible
exception of Mel Gibson.
When you become a famous movie star, you will receive: a dazzling smile,
affordable health insurance, and a rock-hard sense of self-esteem that
comes from millions of greedy, free-market consumers knowing who you
are. Push comes to shove and you are sent to a detention camp, guards
will treat you better. “Hey, isn’t that Angelina Jolie on that gurney? I
loved her in /Girl, Interrupted/. Maybe I’ll let her call her attorney.”
✌ EMIT NOXIOUS FUMES
No one will ever accuse you of Islamofascism as you proudly stand in
solidarity with our great multinational corporations and spew harmful
chemical, radioactive, and industrial waste into our ecosystem. By
polluting rivers, the air, and low-income neighborhoods, you’ll garner
lots of government perks, too, including military contracts and
tax-breaks you could only dream of as an ordinary, “stop-global-warming”
citizen. Best of all, your carcinogenic emissions will increase chances
that, among the thousands of people who die each year from
environmentally caused cancer, one or two will be terrorists.
✌ SCAPEGOAT SECULAR HUMANISTS
Stuck-up, egghead Secular Humanists like Chris Hayes and Katrina vanden
Heuvel say that Islamic extremists are not the real problem. They’re
right! The real problem is stuck-up, egghead Secular Humanists!
Secular Humanists have caused every major disaster for the last 5,000
years – and it’s our duty to stop them before they TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
/FACT/: These intellectual malcontents have turned from God and
home-schooling to the golden calf of “Humanities”!
/FACT/: Since the Crusades, Secular Humanists have stood at the center
of a vast, satanic plot to STOP God-ordained conquest and unite
humankind through Logic, Science, and Enlightenment!
/FACT/: Much of our U.S. Constitution was written by these depraved,
happiness-pursuing, library-card-holding “Enlightenati”! Would you want
one of these “created equal” degenerates to marry your sister?
Labeling these people terrorists and getting them sent to Guantánamo
will guarantee that /you /will never be sent there. Let’s show the world
that the only way to prevent another Third Reich is with another
Inquisition.
✌ DEVELOP AGORAPHOBIC CATATONIA
“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do
nothing.” A wise man said that in the 18th Century – a wise,
/stupid/ man. This man never looked ahead to the 21st Century, to see
that doing nothing would become the apogee of cutting-edge activism!
Remember the Afghanistan invasion? The Iraq invasion? All those meetings
and lectures you went to, where you became “informed” and had “doubts”
about WMD and Al Qaeda connections? All that peace marching – once, with
10,000,000 people all over the world, so the destruction of
millennia-old cultures and the slaughter of innocents wouldn’t happen?
It happened anyway.
It happened because /you/ left the house.
To prevent further mayhem, it is necessary to effect social change at
home, by nonviolently reading your email. Uh-oh: look at all those
listserves on torture and drone attacks and indefinite detention. They
force you to devise a new activist strategy: You must play Minesweeper
and Angry Birds for the next four hours.
Now, for direct action! Using psychological skills honed at your
computer, it is time to emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually
“shut down.” This allows you to do radical civil disobedience while
lying on your couch. As you remain in staunch protest, let global crises
simply wash over you.
While they are washing, turn on the TV. Look, there’s a /Law and Order
/rerun. Regard the state-of-the-art world of /us /vs. /them/;/ /good vs.
evil. Isn’t it comforting to see that cop punch in that wino’s face?
Weird, how Puerto Rican /independentistas/ and Occupy activists are
portrayed as unstable and dangerous.
No matter. All good. Now, try to picture some Gitmo interrogator
water-boarding Sam Waterston. You can’t.
At last: you have effected social change.
References:
Update on 166 prisoners at Guantánamo:
http://projects.nytimes.com/guantanamo
Facts & Figures for Guantánamo Detainees:
http://www.hrw.org/features/guantanamo-facts-figures
NDAA 2013 passes House, Senate:
http://fcw.com/articles/2012/12/21/ndaa-passes-house-senate.aspx
Lingering indefinite military detention provisions in 2013:
http://www.tnr.com/blog/plank/111357/the-war-terror-has-different-name-the-legal-justification-remain-the-same
Text of NDAA 2013:
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/112/hr4310/text
General conflict over Guantánamo Detainees:
http://theweek.com/article/index/237154/can-obama-still-close-guantanamo
ACLU Description/Criticism of NDAA:
http://www.aclu.org/blog/tag/ndaa
Susie Day <suzetski at gmail.com>
--
Freedom Archives 522 Valencia Street San Francisco, CA 94110 415
863.9977 www.freedomarchives.org
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