[News] Second Coming Shocker! - Karl Marx Returns to Earth Instead of Jesus!
news at freedomarchives.org
Tue Apr 24 11:34:02 EDT 2012
Second Coming Shocker!
Karl Marx Returns to Earth Instead of Jesus!
by Susie Day
NEW YORK, NY -- Millennial Christians and godless communists alike
were stunned when nineteenth-century economist and revolutionary Karl
Marx suddenly returned from the dead about two hours ago to land, in
bodily form, at the corner of Nassau and Wall Streets.
His appearance interrupted Occupy Wall Street protesters as they
negotiated the preparations for an anticapitalist May 1 General
Strike. Seeming irritable and out of sorts, Mr. Marx sat glowering
astride a fiery white horse amid apocalyptic clouds of glory, as
hordes of journalists and OWS activists waving cell phones crushed in
to record the event.
"HA HA! You're undead!" laughed a cub reporter from The Wall Street
Journal, pointing derisively at socialism's greatest sage. "Where's
your dialectical materialism now, huh?"
"Shut up, kid," grumbled Mr. Marx, massaging a carbuncle on his left buttock.
"Karl Marx!" cried CNN's Anderson Cooper, thrusting a microphone at
the stern, famously bearded visage, "now that you've obviously come
back from some sort of Afterlife, don't you think it's silly to
explain existence in terms of social class and the means of
production? How about giving a little credit to the Man Upstairs?"
Karl Marx wrested the microphone from Mr. Cooper and declared to the
multitudes, "Religion is still the opiate of the masses, you
guys. In fact, Jesus is so hopped up on opiates, he can't even see
straight. Furthermore, Jesus thinks you all suck."
The crowd gasped and shrank back. "Burn him!" screamed a bevy of
middle-aged tourists, sporting green foam Statue-of-Liberty crowns
and carrying multiple shopping bags from Century 21.
Unruffled, Mr. Marx continued, "Hey, I tried to give you people a
break. I explained to Jesus that your bourgeois consumer fetishism
was created by your alienating social conditions. So Jesus said,
'Fine, one bearded Jewish intellectual is as good as another -- you
go down there and sort them out.' I said, 'Bite me.' Next thing I
know, here I am. True story."
Marxist scholars express doubt that the mortal being who formulated
the paradigms of dialectical and historical materialism could have
triumphed over death itself. Dr. Harvey B. Papershredder, adjunct
sociology professor at Sarah Lawrence College, represented the going
academic consensus when he stated, "Because I have invited Marx into
my heart as my personal savior, I believe he no longer
exists. Conversely, I exist. So does my latest book on capitalist
injustice, premised on the hard-hitting Marxian fact that, when
oppressed workers die, they don't come back. So please buy my book
because we only live once and I want to feel good about myself before
we all perish miserably in some capitalist-induced nuclear and/or
global warming disaster. It's also available on Nook and
Kindle. The book, not the disaster."
Other leftists, less empirically grounded, are joyfully celebrating
Mr. Marx's return, saying they look forward to living in a promised
classless society at the end of history. Many, having prided
themselves for years on living "politically correct" lives by
eschewing fur and meat products, and demonstrating regularly against
imperialist wars, have celebrated Marx's return with delirious blog
entries, tweets, and pilgrimages to Lower Manhattan in the belief
that the "End of History" has arrived, and the chosen will soon be
raptured over to the Financial District to build a glorious "Worker's
Meanwhile, at Union Square, devout progressives can purchase
hand-lettered t-shirts sporting such slogans as "Better Dead AND Red"
and "Prole-ier than Thou," along with political buttons emblazoned
with the images of martyred radicals and political prisoners. Even
the local chapter of the Jehovah's Witnesses has switched from
distributing its signature magazine "Watchtower" to giving out free
copies of Mao's "Little Red Book."
But the transcendent atmosphere of jubilation was marred in the last
hour or so, when a rumor was tweeted that Mr. Marx is preparing to
condemn the entire Revolutionary Workers' Labor Party to hell for all
eternity for the sin of infighting.
"Serves them right," remarked Milo Kronstadt of the anarchist Party
Against Workers' Parties Party. "Lousy bunch of middle-class
Marxist-Leninist white liberal Stalinist so-called activists. They
should all die and rot."
Another so-called activist from a more hierarchical tendency then
pointed out the "lameness" of an anti-authoritarian "dude" who
expects justice from the ultimate Authority on Marxism, and a general
melee broke out. Fisticuffs finally abated about nine minutes ago
when someone noticed that Mr. Marx was no longer to be seen.
Four minutes later, Mr. Marx was discovered at the pharmacy counter
of the nearest Duane Reade, discussing the efficacy of Preparation H
to treat his carbuncle. He reportedly confiscated and damaged the
cell phone of the OWS politico in the act of tweeting a photo of Mr.
Marx's first back-to-earth purchase. As of the last twelve seconds,
Mr. Karl Marx remains inside the Duane Reade, refusing to come out.
Given the complex coordinates of time, space, and this exact
dialectical moment in material History, no one -- as usual -- knows
what will happen. It remains for each and every one of the 99
percent to keep watching the skies.
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San Francisco, CA 94110
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