[News] Second Coming Shocker! - Karl Marx Returns to Earth Instead of Jesus!

Anti-Imperialist News news at freedomarchives.org
Tue Apr 24 11:34:02 EDT 2012

Second Coming Shocker!
Karl Marx Returns to Earth Instead of Jesus!

by Susie Day

NEW YORK, NY -- Millennial Christians and godless communists alike 
were stunned when nineteenth-century economist and revolutionary Karl 
Marx suddenly returned from the dead about two hours ago to land, in 
bodily form, at the corner of Nassau and Wall Streets.

His appearance interrupted Occupy Wall Street protesters as they 
negotiated the preparations for an anticapitalist May 1 General 
Strike.  Seeming irritable and out of sorts, Mr. Marx sat glowering 
astride a fiery white horse amid apocalyptic clouds of glory, as 
hordes of journalists and OWS activists waving cell phones crushed in 
to record the event.

"HA HA!  You're undead!" laughed a cub reporter from The Wall Street 
Journal, pointing derisively at socialism's greatest sage.  "Where's 
your dialectical materialism now, huh?"

"Shut up, kid," grumbled Mr. Marx, massaging a carbuncle on his left buttock.

"Karl Marx!" cried CNN's Anderson Cooper, thrusting a microphone at 
the stern, famously bearded visage, "now that you've obviously come 
back from some sort of Afterlife, don't you think it's silly to 
explain existence in terms of social class and the means of 
production?  How about giving a little credit to the Man Upstairs?"

Karl Marx wrested the microphone from Mr. Cooper and declared to the 
multitudes, "Religion is still the opiate of the masses, you 
guys.  In fact, Jesus is so hopped up on opiates, he can't even see 
straight.  Furthermore, Jesus thinks you all suck."

The crowd gasped and shrank back.  "Burn him!" screamed a bevy of 
middle-aged tourists, sporting green foam Statue-of-Liberty crowns 
and carrying multiple shopping bags from Century 21.

Unruffled, Mr. Marx continued, "Hey, I tried to give you people a 
break.  I explained to Jesus that your bourgeois consumer fetishism 
was created by your alienating social conditions.  So Jesus said, 
'Fine, one bearded Jewish intellectual is as good as another -- you 
go down there and sort them out.'  I said, 'Bite me.'  Next thing I 
know, here I am.  True story."

Marxist scholars express doubt that the mortal being who formulated 
the paradigms of dialectical and historical materialism could have 
triumphed over death itself.  Dr. Harvey B. Papershredder, adjunct 
sociology professor at Sarah Lawrence College, represented the going 
academic consensus when he stated, "Because I have invited Marx into 
my heart as my personal savior, I believe he no longer 
exists.  Conversely, I exist.  So does my latest book on capitalist 
injustice, premised on the hard-hitting Marxian fact that, when 
oppressed workers die, they don't come back.  So please buy my book 
because we only live once and I want to feel good about myself before 
we all perish miserably in some capitalist-induced nuclear and/or 
global warming disaster.  It's also available on Nook and 
Kindle.  The book, not the disaster."

Other leftists, less empirically grounded, are joyfully celebrating 
Mr. Marx's return, saying they look forward to living in a promised 
classless society at the end of history.  Many, having prided 
themselves for years on living "politically correct" lives by 
eschewing fur and meat products, and demonstrating regularly against 
imperialist wars, have celebrated Marx's return with delirious blog 
entries, tweets, and pilgrimages to Lower Manhattan in the belief 
that the "End of History" has arrived, and the chosen will soon be 
raptured over to the Financial District to build a glorious "Worker's 

Meanwhile, at Union Square, devout progressives can purchase 
hand-lettered t-shirts sporting such slogans as "Better Dead AND Red" 
and "Prole-ier than Thou," along with political buttons emblazoned 
with the images of martyred radicals and political prisoners.  Even 
the local chapter of the Jehovah's Witnesses has switched from 
distributing its signature magazine "Watchtower" to giving out free 
copies of Mao's "Little Red Book."

But the transcendent atmosphere of jubilation was marred in the last 
hour or so, when a rumor was tweeted that Mr. Marx is preparing to 
condemn the entire Revolutionary Workers' Labor Party to hell for all 
eternity for the sin of infighting.

"Serves them right," remarked Milo Kronstadt of the anarchist Party 
Against Workers' Parties Party.  "Lousy bunch of middle-class 
Marxist-Leninist white liberal Stalinist so-called activists.  They 
should all die and rot."

Another so-called activist from a more hierarchical tendency then 
pointed out the "lameness" of an anti-authoritarian "dude" who 
expects justice from the ultimate Authority on Marxism, and a general 
melee broke out.  Fisticuffs finally abated about nine minutes ago 
when someone noticed that Mr. Marx was no longer to be seen.

Four minutes later, Mr. Marx was discovered at the pharmacy counter 
of the nearest Duane Reade, discussing the efficacy of Preparation H 
to treat his carbuncle.  He reportedly confiscated and damaged the 
cell phone of the OWS politico in the act of tweeting a photo of Mr. 
Marx's first back-to-earth purchase.  As of the last twelve seconds, 
Mr. Karl Marx remains inside the Duane Reade, refusing to come out.

Given the complex coordinates of time, space, and this exact 
dialectical moment in material History, no one -- as usual -- knows 
what will happen.  It remains for each and every one of the 99 
percent to keep watching the skies.

Freedom Archives
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