[News] Glen Beck wrecks second coming, offs Jesus
news at freedomarchives.org
Tue Sep 21 10:04:13 EDT 2010
Dear Gang -
Another breaking news story, censored by the mainstream media:
GLENN BECK WRECKS SECOND COMING, OFFS JESUS
(PU) After two thousand years of looking forward
to the return of Jesus Christ, Christians were
extremely disappointed today to learn that their
born-again Lord and Savior had died again, this
time at the hands of author, talk-show host, and
entrepreneur Glenn Beck. News of the
Messiah-cide leaked out this morning when Mr.
Beck was arraigned in federal district court in Manhattan.
Go ahead, give me the chair, screamed a flushed
and tearful Glenn Beck to the judge, while TV
cameras rolled and reporters crowded in. But I
did this country a favor. Americans thought Jesus
was about divine justice I found out hes for
social and economic justice. He wants total
socialist global domination over the entire
globe. May Day, May Day, theres a coup going down!
Using a chalkboard to illustrate his points, Mr.
Beck drew a goose-stepping stick figure of the
Son of God, sporting a Che Guevara mustache and
beret. He explained that, according to the plan
Jesus had imparted to him, the coming Millennium
would entail no Rapture, no eternal damnation;
only a Thousand-Year Plan of complete societal
and material equality. This rampant
egalitarianism, surmised Mr. Beck, would destroy
the profit motive and, with it, civilization itself.
You see? Those loaves and fishes? panted Mr.
Beck, beads of sweat popping over his round, pink
face as he scrawled overlapping circles to
signify the food items. Jesus gives a bunch of
welfare cheats free loaves and free fishes, and
the American people lose their homes. He heals
the sick, and YOU get socked paying health
insurance. He tells you, give away your private
property, help marauding foreigners find a better
life. But that only destroys the Constitution and
your God-given right to get rich. Face it, judge,
Jesus doesnt like white people.
Mr. Beck, who was raised Catholic and became a
Mormon in 1999, went on to say that, while
Americans should still be guaranteed freedom of
religion, the freedom of a real-life avatar to
dwell among Americans should be severely limited.
If everybody actually lived in a state of
enlightenment, our countrys place in the world
would go down the toilet, shouted Mr. Beck.
Stand up, America. Dont let some spiritual
brown-shirt tell you youre no better than the
average Pakistani drone-attack victim. Death is for losers, baby.
Asked to recount the events leading up to the
killing, Glenn Beck said that he first learned of
Jesus comeback a few weeks ago, sitting in his
living room, after becoming enraged at Rachel
Maddow on TV. I got so mad I kicked the leg off
my coffee table. Jesus Fucking Christ, I cried,
wheres a goddamn carpenter when you need one?
Mr. Beck then described a sudden radiance that
permeated the room, while a longhaired, bearded
Middle Eastern man took on physical form. At
first, I thought he was Al Qaeda, said Mr. Beck,
but after he healed the leg back on, I knew.
Mr. Beck spoke of his relationship with Jesus as
at first deeply fulfilling, with Jesus fixing
small things around the house in exchange for a
mattress in the garage. The two enjoyed moonlit
walks on the beach, marshmallow roasts, and
tickle-fights. But Mr. Beck began to sense that
Jesus was not interested in the good life when
he refused to put on a three-piece business suit
that Mr. Beck had bought for him. Then the
PC-thugs started dropping by. Jesus would hang
out in the garage with these weirdoes, talking
about supporting gay marriage and getting Troy
Davis off death row. I began to wonder if Jesus was a secret Muslim.
Noticing that Jesus spent hours on the phone, Mr.
Beck had the calls traced, and found that most
were to environmentalist and civil rights
activist Van Jones. I overheard them say how
they were going to drive out the money-changers
and abolish the capitalist system. There was lots
of giggling, I remember. I though, my God, how
could all those WWJD bracelets be so wrong?
Finally, Mr. Beck decided to reclaim the truth
and justice movement and made Jesus a poisoned
falafel sandwich. It was easy, he concluded.
No nails, no violence. He just looked at me sadly. Then he died. Chump.
At first, a tidal wave of rage and disbelief
convulsed the nation, as Americans heard Mr. Beck
confess that he had inconveniently re-slain a
savior who had already been pre-slain for their
convenience. Slowly, however, as the hours ticked
by and Mr. Becks testimony streamed live on the
Internet and TV, some people came to see a certain wisdom in Mr. Becks act.
Tea Party member Amy McPherson reflected, I had
wanted Jesus to wash away my sins and save me.
But then I thought, what if Mr. Do-Unto-Others
wouldnt let me carry my Luger? Thats a deal-breaker.
Even presiding judge Marvin Mandible expressed
cautious sympathy for Mr. Becks act. While the
court finds illegality in the re-murdering of a
loving spiritual entity, it nevertheless cannot
endorse the intent of the aforesaid entity to
prevent the court from refusing to hear cases
involving the extraordinary rendition of torture
victims. Lest we forget, terrorists are pure
evil. I dont think Jesus ever got that.
Despite his professed support for the death
penalty, Mr. Beck will probably face a sentence of life everlasting.
© Susie Day, 2010
522 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110
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