[News] Glen Beck wrecks second coming, offs Jesus

[Anti-Imperialist News]

Dear Gang -
Another breaking news story, censored by the mainstream media:


GLENN BECK WRECKS SECOND COMING, OFFS JESUS

(PU) After two thousand years of looking forward 
to the return of Jesus Christ, Christians were 
extremely disappointed today to learn that their 
born-again Lord and Savior had died again, this 
time at the hands of author, talk-show host, and 
entrepreneur Glenn Beck. News of the 
“Messiah-cide” leaked out this morning when Mr. 
Beck was arraigned in federal district court in Manhattan.

“Go ahead, give me the chair,” screamed a flushed 
and tearful Glenn Beck to the judge, while TV 
cameras rolled and reporters crowded in. “But I 
did this country a favor. Americans thought Jesus 
was about divine justice – I found out he’s for 
social and economic justice. He wants total 
socialist global domination over the entire 
globe. May Day, May Day, there’s a coup going down!”

Using a chalkboard to illustrate his points, Mr. 
Beck drew a goose-stepping stick figure of the 
Son of God, sporting a Che Guevara mustache and 
beret. He explained that, according to the plan 
Jesus had imparted to him, the coming Millennium 
would entail no Rapture, no eternal damnation; 
only a “Thousand-Year Plan” of complete societal 
and material equality. This rampant 
egalitarianism, surmised Mr. Beck, would destroy 
the profit motive and, with it, civilization itself.

“You see? Those loaves and fishes?” panted Mr. 
Beck, beads of sweat popping over his round, pink 
face as he scrawled overlapping circles to 
signify the food items. “Jesus gives a bunch of 
welfare cheats free loaves and free fishes, and 
the American people lose their homes. He heals 
the sick, and YOU get socked paying health 
insurance. He tells you, give away your private 
property, help marauding foreigners find a better 
life. But that only destroys the Constitution and 
your God-given right to get rich. Face it, judge, 
Jesus doesn’t like white people.”

Mr. Beck, who was raised Catholic and became a 
Mormon in 1999, went on to say that, while 
Americans should still be guaranteed freedom of 
religion, the freedom of a real-life avatar to 
dwell among Americans should be severely limited.

“If everybody actually lived in a state of 
Jesus-endorsed ‘love-thy-neighbor-as-thyself’ 
enlightenment, our country’s place in the world 
would go down the toilet,” shouted Mr. Beck. 
“Stand up, America. Don’t let some spiritual 
brown-shirt tell you you’re no better than the 
average Pakistani drone-attack victim. Death is for losers, baby.”

Asked to recount the events leading up to the 
killing, Glenn Beck said that he first learned of 
Jesus’ comeback a few weeks ago, sitting in his 
living room, after becoming enraged at Rachel 
Maddow on TV. “I got so mad I kicked the leg off 
my coffee table. ‘Jesus Fucking Christ,’ I cried, 
‘where’s a goddamn carpenter when you need one?’”

Mr. Beck then described a sudden radiance that 
permeated the room, while a longhaired, bearded 
Middle Eastern man took on physical form. “At 
first, I thought he was Al Qaeda,” said Mr. Beck, 
“but after he healed the leg back on, I knew.”

Mr. Beck spoke of his relationship with Jesus as 
at first “deeply fulfilling,” with Jesus fixing 
small things around the house in exchange for a 
mattress in the garage. The two enjoyed moonlit 
walks on the beach, marshmallow roasts, and 
tickle-fights. But Mr. Beck began to sense that 
Jesus was not interested in “the good life” when 
he refused to put on a three-piece business suit 
that Mr. Beck had bought for him. “Then the 
PC-thugs started dropping by. Jesus would hang 
out in the garage with these weirdoes, talking 
about supporting gay marriage and getting Troy 
Davis off death row. I began to wonder if Jesus was a secret Muslim.”

Noticing that Jesus spent hours on the phone, Mr. 
Beck had the calls traced, and found that most 
were to environmentalist and civil rights 
activist Van Jones. “I overheard them say how 
they were going to drive out the money-changers 
and abolish the capitalist system. There was lots 
of giggling, I remember. I though, my God, how 
could all those ‘WWJD’ bracelets be so wrong?”

Finally, Mr. Beck decided to “reclaim the truth 
and justice movement” and made Jesus a poisoned 
falafel sandwich. “It was easy,” he concluded. 
“No nails, no violence. He just looked at me sadly. Then he died. Chump.”

At first, a tidal wave of rage and disbelief 
convulsed the nation, as Americans heard Mr. Beck 
confess that he had inconveniently re-slain a 
savior who had already been pre-slain for their 
convenience. Slowly, however, as the hours ticked 
by and Mr. Beck’s testimony streamed live on the 
Internet and TV, some people came to see a certain wisdom in Mr. Beck’s act.

Tea Party member Amy McPherson reflected, “I had 
wanted Jesus to wash away my sins and save me. 
But then I thought, what if Mr. Do-Unto-Others 
wouldn’t let me carry my Luger? That’s a deal-breaker.”

Even presiding judge Marvin Mandible expressed 
cautious sympathy for Mr. Beck’s act. “While the 
court finds illegality in the re-murdering of a 
loving spiritual entity, it nevertheless cannot 
endorse the intent of the aforesaid entity to 
prevent the court from refusing to hear cases 
involving the extraordinary rendition of torture 
victims. Lest we forget, terrorists are pure 
evil. I don’t think Jesus ever got that.”

Despite his professed support for the death 
penalty, Mr. Beck will probably face a sentence of life everlasting.



                                    © Susie Day, 2010



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