[News] Poppin' Fresh Declares Martial Law

Anti-Imperialist News news at freedomarchives.org
Wed Nov 21 13:58:54 EST 2007


      Poppin' Fresh, chubby little standard-bearer for the mass
marketing of lip-smacking glutens, interrupted regularly scheduled TV
programming today at 8:46 a.m. to announce the imposition of martial
law across the continental United States.

      "Now, don't you folks go out of your homes, and don't you try
to stop those roundups in the streets ­ we've suspended Mr.
Constitution!" Poppin' Fresh giggled, his round, improbably blue eyes
twinkling merrily. "From now on, you'll be taking your cues from ME.
So, sit back and relax, as the good people at FOX shut down all the
other channels. In the meantime, let's go ­ live ­ to a  a typical
American family who enjoys togetherness by water-boarding their
immigrant neighbors. M-m-m, so moist and delicious!"

      Millions of Americans, shocked by the abrupt halt to their
daily routine, nevertheless appear to be complying with the edicts of
Mr. Fresh who, Pentagon sources suggest, is a puppet of the Bush
Administration. An internal White House memo, obtained by this
reporter, states that the Defense Department negotiated a buyout of
the diminutive Doughboy's contract from Pillsbury for approximately
$1.8 billion in taxpayer funds.

      Recent news about the excesses of U.S. mercenary armies in Iraq
has alerted most Americans to the fact that free-market corporations
play a growing role in federal policy. Today's sudden crackdown,
however, reveals startling links between the implacable forces of
Homeland Security and long-beloved advertising mascots, representing
brand names consumers once thought they could trust. The extent of
this nexus has stunned even some pundits on the Left.

      "We all knew the police state was coming," observed Patricia
Patchouli, author of the acclaimed U.S. Military Contractors: How to
Avoid Clinical Depression While Reading Jeremy Scahill's Book on
Blackwater. "Now is our big chance to rush to the barricades and
storm the White House. But how do we rise up against Poppin' Fresh?
He's too cute. Which is really depressing, since his cuteness shows
once again how we buy into the myth of white male supremacy."

      Piping hot tollhouse cookies were served at a White House press
conference at which President Bush announced his unqualified support
of Poppin Fresh's new regime. "You all do what the little fellow
says," enjoined the President. "Don't mind me. I'll be protecting you
from that Israel-hating Iran guy, by wiping him off the map."

      A lone reporter from the recently impounded news program
Democracy Now voiced skepticism. "Mr. President, are you suggesting
further military action? If so, won't we increase regional
destabilization, possibly encouraging a multi-lateral nuclear war?
How will we survive?"

      "Same way we got through the last four years in Iraq,"
responded the President, choking on a cookie. "By watching TV ­
Grey's Anatomy, ER, Desperate Housewives
 Then, the minute you  see
footage of our pudgy little pilots, all decked out in their khaki
chef's hats and bandanas, chuckling sweetly as they fly over Tehran
­ you just get up and go to the fridge for a light snack." The
reporter was then escorted out the door, and, according to anonymous
sources, will be flown to a country where it is legal to force-feed
people bran muffins.

      Bill O'Reilly, veteran commentator of FOX News, was among the
majority of the press heartily agreeing with the President. "Aww, who
wouldn't enjoy the imposition of such an adorable and winsome little
dictatorship?" stated O'Reilly. "We're doing this so much better than
Myanmar or Pakistan ­ it makes you proud to be an American."
      Marketing analysts say that military deployment of Poppin'
Fresh may be only the beginning of a new, improved, fresher-tasting
Executive Branch. Rumors are rife that the Morton Salt Girl, Ronald
McDonald, and Betty Crocker's red spoon are set to sign contracts if
needed for further government clampdowns.

      Mr. Fresh's rise to power, coming so close to the impending
Presidential election, has motivated Beltway insiders to recalibrate
their predictions. Many surmise that, if Republicans choose to run
Poppin' Fresh for President next year, the Democrats will forgo
frontrunner candidates Clinton and Obama in favor of the Michelin Man.

      Meanwhile, on TV, Poppin' Fresh banged a tiny dinner roll on
his lectern, much like a spritely Nikita Khrushchev. "We will bury
you," shrieked Mr. Fresh happily, "with commercials! But first, let's
watch a re-run of Law and Order ­ the one where they make the  queer
activist look like a terrorist psycho-thug. Tasty and nutritious!"

      Suddenly, as if to alert the cheery little fellow to a possible
security breach, an index finger, attached to a well-manicured hand
in a gray flannel suit, reached into the picture and poked Poppin'
Fresh in his belly. It then pointed in this direction, upon which the
fun-loving Mr. Fresh tittered, pulled out a wee, fully-loaded Uzi 9
mm sub-machine gun and shot this reporter in the

                               ©  Susie Day, 2007

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