[News] Peace Movement Overthrows Government, Cheney Dies
news at freedomarchives.org
Fri Aug 24 11:19:55 EDT 2007
PEACE MOVEMENT OVERTHROWS GOVERNMENT, CHENEY DIES
(PU) Former Vice President Richard B.
Cheney was found dead today at the Daniel
Ellsberg Reeducation Center for War Criminals and
the Psychopathically Challenged. Using twine he
had pilfered from a macramé class, Mr. Cheney
apparently hanged himself after a particularly
grueling group therapy session in which
participants were asked to go deep within
themselves and explore their feelings about the phrase, "Give Peace a Chance."
Mr. Cheney's suicide is one more in a
distressingly long line of self-inflicted deaths
of Republican politicians, military contractors,
army officers, and rightwing pundits following
the recent nationwide, nonviolent Revolution. For
some as yet unknown reason, many free market
neoconservatives seem unwilling to go on living,
now that all forms of racial and ethnic
discrimination have ceased, gay marriage is
legal, U.S. troops are coming home to full
employment and psychological counseling, and the
end of global warming appears possible within 1-2 weeks.
"Dick's with Jesus, now," wept James
Dobson, chairman of the rightwing evangelical
group, Focus on the Family. Mr. Dobson was
recently sentenced to 2,500 years of community
service at an HIV/AIDS clinic for his part in
cutting off government funding to sex education
programs that did not promote abstinence-only.
"If you ask me, Dick Cheney didn't kill himself,"
Dobson continued. "He was murdered murdered by
those tree-hugging, all-you-need-is-love,
daisy-sniffing goons who took over our
government. Death to the fascist hippies that
prey on the life of Christian conservatives!"
From his cell at the Reeducation Center,
ex-President George W. Bush reflected on his
years with Mr. Cheney. "Me and Dick had some good
times. But after those peace-mongering terrorists
stormed the White House and took away our ability
to torture Arabs and dismantle the Constitution,
life lost its meaning for Dick. He got depressed,
seeing the children of illegal immigrants get
adequate health care. He was also upset that the
Che Guevara t-shirt they forced him to wear made
him look paunchy. Oh, Dick, Dick!" wailed Mr.
Bush, smashing a lava-lamp against the wall and
throwing himself on his government-issued
waterbed with the floral-printed, contoured
sheets. "Why did it have to be YOU? Why couldn't
it have been 500,000 more Iraqis?"
Newly elected President and Maximum Leader,
Cindy Sheehan, also expressed regret at hearing
of Mr. Cheney's demise. "That is a real bummer,"
she lamented. "Hey, does anybody know if I have
to dial '011' to call South Korea? I'd like to
get our troops out of there, too."
It is foreign policy like this that has
probably motivated right-wingers such as Rupert
Murdoch, Ann Coulter, and Alberto Gonzalez to
take their own lives. Mr. Murdoch, who drank nine
quarts of toner from a color printer, and Mr.
Gonzalez, who water-boarded himself to death,
selected quiet, almost humble, ways to shuffle off their mortal coils.
Ms. Coulter, in contrast, chose to dress in
the traditional garb of a devout Muslim woman and
blow herself up at the Brooklyn Society for
Ethical Culture, in order to demonstrate, her
suicide note read, "the terrorist faggotry
embedded in Enlightenment values." These deaths,
say remaining conservative pundits, might have
been avoided, had the Bush Administration taken
firmer control of the Internet.
"If millions of people hadn't been allowed
to click on all those goddamned Web petitions to
stop the war," remarked Rush Limbaugh, "Cindy
Sheehan would be salted away in some FEMA
detention camp by now. Every day, it gets worse.
Just a minute ago, I heard that that death-row
guy, Mumia Abu-Jamal, was appointed Attorney
General. You'll pardon me, now, while I take an overdose of OxyContin."
President Sheehan's Cabinet appointments
have, at times, stirred controversy, as when she
tapped singer Harry Belafonte for Secretary of
State, and anti-globalization activist Naomi
Klein for Chair of the Federal Reserve Board.
Public outcry, however, was quickly assuaged by
the new Secretary of Defense the Dalai Lama, and
by White House Press Secretary Amy Goodman who
gave out free Democracy Now! tote bags at a Washington press conference.
Politically, President Sheehan has had few
rivals, except, for a brief time, Representative
John Conyers (D-MI), who held a sit-in outside
the Oval Office to "pay her back" for Ms.
Sheehan's own pre-Revolutionary protest outside
Conyers' office in support of Bush's impeachment.
All ended happily in laughter, tears, and warm
hugs, however, when Ms. Sheehan admitted that she had been "an idiot."
Surprisingly, the most serious criticism of
the current Revolutionary administration has come
from the sectarian Left. "I guess I miss the
hatred," observed Cyrus Prolehammer, founder of
the Laborers Work Party, whose motto, "We Never
Met a Leftwing Dictator We Didn't Like," has
garnered the organization at least two-dozen
members. "A hundred years ago," Mr. Prolehammer
sighed, "Cheney wouldn't have had the white,
upper-class privilege of suicide. We would have
taken him down to the cellar and shot him, just
like with the Czar. Sadly, those days are gone. I
never realized the draconian repression that can
come from a truly egalitarian, anti-capitalist,
peace-loving Revolution they just won't let you do anything mean."
Mr. Cheney's body is presently on view in
the Capitol Rotunda, where nobody is lined up to
see it. His family would like to give him a
decent burial. However, in light of the
government's radical emphasis on preserving the
environment, newly appointed Secretary of the
Interior Daniel McGowan has suggested that Mr.
Cheney's body be thrown to an endangered species of wolves.
Whatever the outcome of this thorny issue,
it is sure to be decided harmoniously and fairly,
with an eye to the Greater Good of All.
© Susie Day, 2007
522 Valencia Street
San Francisco, CA 94110
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