[News] Peace Movement Overthrows Government, Cheney Dies

[Anti-Imperialist News]

PEACE MOVEMENT OVERTHROWS GOVERNMENT, CHENEY DIES

      (PU) Former Vice President Richard B. 
Cheney was found dead today at the Daniel 
Ellsberg Reeducation Center for War Criminals and 
the Psychopathically Challenged. Using twine he 
had pilfered from a macramé class, Mr. Cheney 
apparently hanged himself after a particularly 
grueling group therapy session in which 
participants were asked to go deep within 
themselves and explore their feelings about the phrase, "Give Peace a Chance."

      Mr. Cheney's suicide is one more in a 
distressingly long line of self-inflicted deaths 
of Republican politicians, military contractors, 
army officers, and rightwing pundits following 
the recent nationwide, nonviolent Revolution. For 
some as yet unknown reason, many free market 
neoconservatives seem unwilling to go on living, 
now that all forms of racial and ethnic 
discrimination have ceased, gay marriage is 
legal, U.S. troops are coming home to full 
employment and psychological counseling, and the 
end of global warming appears possible within 1-2 weeks.

      "Dick's with Jesus, now," wept James 
Dobson, chairman of the rightwing evangelical 
group, Focus on the Family. Mr. Dobson was 
recently sentenced to 2,500 years of community 
service at an HIV/AIDS clinic for his part in 
cutting off government funding to sex education 
programs that did not promote abstinence-only. 
"If you ask me, Dick Cheney didn't kill himself," 
Dobson continued. "He was murdered – murdered by 
those tree-hugging, all-you-need-is-love, 
daisy-sniffing goons who took over our 
government. Death to the fascist hippies that 
prey on the life of Christian conservatives!"

      From his cell at the Reeducation Center, 
ex-President George W. Bush reflected on his 
years with Mr. Cheney. "Me and Dick had some good 
times. But after those peace-mongering terrorists 
stormed the White House and took away our ability 
to torture Arabs and dismantle the Constitution, 
life lost its meaning for Dick. He got depressed, 
seeing the children of illegal immigrants get 
adequate health care. He was also upset that the 
Che Guevara t-shirt they forced him to wear made 
him look paunchy. Oh, Dick, Dick!" wailed Mr. 
Bush, smashing a lava-lamp against the wall and 
throwing himself on his government-issued 
waterbed with the floral-printed, contoured 
sheets. "Why did it have to be YOU? Why couldn't 
it have been 500,000 more Iraqis?"

      Newly elected President and Maximum Leader, 
Cindy Sheehan, also expressed regret at hearing 
of Mr. Cheney's demise. "That is a real bummer," 
she lamented. "Hey, does anybody know if I have 
to dial '011' to call South Korea? I'd like to 
get our troops out of there, too."

      It is foreign policy like this that has 
probably motivated right-wingers such as Rupert 
Murdoch, Ann Coulter, and Alberto Gonzalez to 
take their own lives. Mr. Murdoch, who drank nine 
quarts of toner from a color printer, and Mr. 
Gonzalez, who water-boarded himself to death, 
selected quiet, almost humble, ways to shuffle off their mortal coils.

      Ms. Coulter, in contrast, chose to dress in 
the traditional garb of a devout Muslim woman and 
blow herself up at the Brooklyn Society for 
Ethical Culture, in order to demonstrate, her 
suicide note read, "the terrorist faggotry 
embedded in Enlightenment values." These deaths, 
say remaining conservative pundits, might have 
been avoided, had the Bush Administration taken 
firmer control of the Internet.

      "If millions of people hadn't been allowed 
to click on all those goddamned Web petitions to 
stop the war," remarked Rush Limbaugh, "Cindy 
Sheehan would be salted away in some FEMA 
detention camp by now. Every day, it gets worse. 
Just a minute ago, I heard that that death-row 
guy, Mumia Abu-Jamal, was appointed Attorney 
General. You'll pardon me, now, while I take an overdose of OxyContin."

      President Sheehan's Cabinet appointments 
have, at times, stirred controversy, as when she 
tapped singer Harry Belafonte for Secretary of 
State, and anti-globalization activist Naomi 
Klein for Chair of the Federal Reserve Board. 
Public outcry, however, was quickly assuaged by 
the new Secretary of Defense the Dalai Lama, and 
by White House Press Secretary Amy Goodman who 
gave out free Democracy Now! tote bags at a Washington press conference.

      Politically, President Sheehan has had few 
rivals, except, for a brief time, Representative 
John Conyers (D-MI), who held a sit-in outside 
the Oval Office to "pay her back" for Ms. 
Sheehan's own pre-Revolutionary protest outside 
Conyers' office in support of Bush's impeachment. 
All ended happily in laughter, tears, and warm 
hugs, however, when Ms. Sheehan admitted that she had been "an idiot."

      Surprisingly, the most serious criticism of 
the current Revolutionary administration has come 
from the sectarian Left. "I guess I miss the 
hatred," observed Cyrus Prolehammer, founder of 
the Laborers Work Party, whose motto, "We Never 
Met a Leftwing Dictator We Didn't Like," has 
garnered the organization at least two-dozen 
members. "A hundred years ago," Mr. Prolehammer 
sighed, "Cheney wouldn't have had the white, 
upper-class privilege of suicide. We would have 
taken him down to the cellar and shot him, just 
like with the Czar. Sadly, those days are gone. I 
never realized the draconian repression that can 
come from a truly egalitarian, anti-capitalist, 
peace-loving Revolution – they just won't let you do anything mean."

      Mr. Cheney's body is presently on view in 
the Capitol Rotunda, where nobody is lined up to 
see it. His family would like to give him a 
decent burial. However, in light of the 
government's radical emphasis on preserving the 
environment, newly appointed Secretary of the 
Interior Daniel McGowan has suggested that Mr. 
Cheney's body be thrown to an endangered species of wolves.

      Whatever the outcome of this thorny issue, 
it is sure to be decided harmoniously and fairly, 
with an eye to the Greater Good of All.

                                    ©  Susie Day, 2007



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