[News] An Open Letter to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Anti-Imperialist News
news at freedomarchives.org
Wed Apr 11 13:05:27 EDT 2007
http://www.counterpunch.org/day04112007.html
April 11, 2007
An Open Letter to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Peter Pace Porks a Peck of Pinko Perverts
By SUSIE DAY
As a lesbian, I often turn, in my quest for moral
guidance, to the Joint Chiefs of Staff. You,
Peter Pace, being Chairman of the JCS, are to me
a virtual guru of ethical enlightenment! So,
naturally, I was struck by your recent Chicago
Tribune interview, in which you said, "I believe
homosexual acts between two individuals are
immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts."
At first, your words threw me into a panic of
denial. Does this mean, I asked myself, that I am
basically good, and bad only when I am performing
acts of a homosexual nature? What if there were
more than two individuals getting it homosexually
on--if I were part of an orgy of, say, 3 to
11,847 people--would I be less immoral? And what
if I joined the Army and shot a lot of Iraqi
insurgents, along with a few innocent
civilians--would Peter Pace at last condone me?
Then I stopped bargaining with myself. I realized
that you, Peter Pace, are right. Just as I have
accepted the fact of my homosexuality, I now must
accept the fact that I am morally depraved. Thank
you for informing me of my innate evil. I will
try to keep this in mind the next time I engage
in acts of sordid, sin-soaked muff diving with my homosexual girlfriend.
I shall now endeavor to go on with my life, with
perhaps slightly lower self-esteem, but also with
joy in the knowledge that that you and I share a
common humanity. For you, too, Peter Pace, have
stood alone as an outcast, scorned and snickered
at by your peers. In 2005, you had the guts to
stand up to then-Secretary of Defense Donald
Rumsfeld, to argue that it was the duty of
American troops to prevent torture. Wow. It's one
thing to have humanitarian (or, "humo")
tendencies--but actually opposing torture in this
Administration must make you feel like some
noncom Army fag with his head stuffed into a barracks toilet.
Speaking of epithets, did you hear that, at the
Conservative Political Action Conference, pundit
Ann Coulter called Presidential hopeful John
Edwards a "faggot"? I'm sure she meant that in a
good way. In fact, in a recent appearance on
"Hannity and Colmes," Ann explained that her use
of the word "isn't offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gays."
Ann must mean that she sees John Edwards not as a
homosexual, but as an annoying, effete, wussy
kind of guy--a guy who possibly wouldn't like to
be tortured. After all, Ann is unwavering in her
anti-wuss position, and has made her name with
such actual, alpha-femme statements as: "I think
the government should be spying on all Arabs,
engaging in torture as a televised spectator
sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout
the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantánamo."
Ann is not pretty when she's mad. So I worry,
Peter Pace. I worry that Ann Coulter will find
out about your stance against torture and call
you, at some nationally-televised gathering, a
"faggot." I mean, we homosexuals can take it when
we're called names, but you people are more
delicate. It's good, then, that you reclaimed the
moral high ground with your defense of the use of
white phosphorous--an incendiary chemical that
burns down to the bone when exposed to oxygen--in
flushing out insurgents during the American siege
on Fallujah. "It is a legitimate tool of the military," you said.
I guess "legitimate," here, is a code word for
"moral." Which is a code word for "heterosexual."
Which is the preferred libidinal default of you
and God and Ann Coulter and all good people. It
is natural, then, that when we meet a person, we
assume she or he is heterosexual--or
"moral"--unless, of course, we ask and are then
told that the person we have just met is a godlessly debauched queer.
So, given that there are, according to the
Servicemembers Legal Defense Network,
approximately 65,000 gay men and lesbians serving
in our military, your endorsement of the "Don't
Ask, Don't Tell" policy makes perfect sense. I
feel truly proud, truly grateful, knowing that
none of our soldiers who caused the deaths of at
least 60,411 (and counting) Iraqi civilians were
immoral enough to admit that they were queer.
Perhaps, in order for us all to sleep nights,
Peter Pace, we Americans--straight and
gay--should apply the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
policy to you, as well. For instance, we won't
ask you just what the military did at Fallujah
and other places in Iraq, and you won't tell us,
OK? It's one way of maintaining our national morality at its current level.
Well, gotta go. My girlfriend wants to have sex
again. This time, she's asked me to dress up as
Ann Coulter. As if that could wash away the stain
Susie Day can be reached at: <mailto:sday at skadden.com>sday at skadden.com
© Susie Day, 2007
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